Tag Archives: illustration

Not Again…

Hans-talking-bear-82

“Oh man…not again.” said Francis under his breath, as Martin, his room-mate, stood over him, drooling.

His attack was so swift that Francis barely had time to flinch before being stuffed forcibly into Martin’s toothy maw and swallowed whole.

Francis knew he had a little time to think before the digestive process of Martin, who was a fully grown polar bear, kicked into gear, pushed him along it’s hour-long journey, and shat him out again.  And really, what had begun as a quiet time for meditation was slowly turning sour as he wondered, more and more, if this little trip was really worth it.

He acknowledged that this WAS in his rental agreement, but seriously!  When would Martin develop some self control with his munchies and go make himself a peanut butter sandwich or something?  Everybody knew how bad the housing market was, and it was only getting worse, but this ‘fantastic journey’ through the body of a giant circus performer, twice a week, was really not worth affordable rent.  He’d had some horrible roommate’s before, but this one was starting to take the cake…uh oh…here we go…..  “Yeaaahhhhgh!!!” PFLOOP!  “Oooooh, yuck!

***This illustration was originally commissioned for a story in Analog Magazine back in 2008.  It was slated to be republished in our Bludgeon the Clown book with a cool (disgusting) poem, but the publisher cut it…it was good stuff, but not for THAT project.  Now, along with a new short flash-fiction story (inspired by the art), it is ready for our new book, A Short Burst, which will finally be published in a matter of months.   -Marsha

They Only Happen by Accident

Excerpt from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 4, page 55.

They Only Happen by Accident   

Cockeysville, Maryland.  Until I met Jonny-Bot 5, I was often puzzled to encounter robot clowns….Jonny set me straight!  As most of you know, clowns make some of the finest handmade toys in the world.  They say that a little bit of their magic rubs off on them.  It’s the only explanation we have for why so many of their products get so out of hand.  Considering what happens to clown houses and cars, it stands to reason that a toy robot could become sentient.  Robot clowns are pretty rare; they only happen by accident.  Once they exist, however, clowns readily accept them into their culture.  Military corporations like to kidnap them for secret dissection and weapons development…but the freak inside always clusterfucks their program.  It’s a good thing they do, or we’d all be losing our corporate jobs to enhanced tech…..wait…

***Find our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com.  Thanks.   -Marsha

Class War

Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 5, page 79.

Class War

“Tipping points are what clowns really look forward to.” said Zig-Zag the Clown, who was thrilled to offer his comments on a painting featuring his old friend, Thorgrind the Giant, beheading a sleazy medieval aristocrat;  “In history’s rich pageant, tipping points are the main event…the height of entertainment…and the tipping point in our broken culture is inevitable.”  He went on to say that; “Class war brings inequality and instability, which leads to revolution and transformation.  It can take decades, even centuries for the oppressed to fester and pop, but they eventually rise up; they always have and they always will.  The best we can hope for is that it happens with as little violence as possible.”  I can agree with that.

Note: Since the Dark Ages, clown culture has consistently identified the giant as the embodiment of the population as a whole (the disenfranchised proletariat), while the knight represents the aristocracy.  We found epic clown ditties documenting the tipping points of long-lost civilizations stretching back for eons.

***Another all-new, never before posted image from our latest book, “Bludgeon the Clown”.  Why do I bother? …because I know that if you buy this book, it will poke you in the eye, kick your ass and completely diddle your whimsy.  Buy it at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy .com.   -Marsha

Belly Button

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Toby had a belly button…a freakish big red one right in the center, and he was threatening to use it, too.  He showed up at the White House during a political fundraiser demanding an audience and got laughed out of the place.  The cable news outlets picked up on the incident and made a giant “News Alert” stink, convincing the entire dull eyed, drooling American television audience that he was legit – and that he’d press the button and unleash the demons of nuclear hell (or whatever) if they didn’t do what he said.

Well, that was it.  The world ended as we knew it (and it really backfired on the media who figured he was their puppet).  Toby brought an end to all wars and banned usury (which pretty much ruined capitalism).  He stopped fossil fuel use and forced everybody to respect the environment…and that was just for starters.  Every time he rested his pudgy finger on that big red button, the world went into a panic.  He managed to bully everybody on Earth into being….. better…OR ELSE!!!

Huh!…I wish I had thought of that.

***Is Toby a terrorist?  Sure!  Why not?  Is he a “bad guy”?  Well, not within two paragraphs…but power goes hand in hand with corruption and tyranny, so he’ll get there eventually…always will.  This is a piece from our 5th book, “Body-Oddies” which will not be published until 2020.  On the upside, you can buy our first 3 books at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks at etsy.com.   -Marsha  

The Buttox Brothers

The Buttox Brothers were unlucky chaps                                                     who answered to Rupert and Rory.                                                               Don’t ask me how they got this way,                                                                  It’s a really disgusting story.

…but wait ’till you hear how we got ’em apart.                                                  It was bloody and smelly…and gory.

***Another all new image and poem from our spectacular book, “Bludgeon the Clown”.  More than just literary wit and extraordinary illustrations, Bludgeon explores the fascinating and very REAL world of the clown race and their impact on our fetid American culture.  Find it and all our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com.   -Marsha

Sir Bludgeon the 1st.

Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 1, page 12.

Sir Bludgeon the First

Let us never forget Sir Bludgeon the First, a clown who rose to greatness during the fourth crusade in 1203, while employed as a belly-button groomer and a peek-a-boo latrineer by Lord Periwinkle the Incontinent of Swabia.

In the darkest days of the campaign, before the massacre of Adrianople, when the crusaders were under siege and facing starvation…and having eaten all their horses, servants and unnecessary limbs, they turned to their Muslim prisoners for food.  During a heated argument between our intrepid Bludgeon and the venerable Doge Dandolo, of Venice, over a young Muslim child (on whether to pummel him into hamburger or simply roast him whole over a spit), the intellectually frustrated Bludgeon flung the child away.  Luckily, he landed safely in a vat of boiling oil and fried to an enticing crisp.  The odor and taste of deep fried meat was so popular with the crusaders that Bludgeon was knighted on the spot and dubbed “The Duke of Deep Fry.”  Today, deep fried food is the staple diet of America’s growing (rotund) population…whose quality of health is almost as good now as it was in the Dark Ages.

***Yes, this is an image and excerpt from our third book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, that we haven’t posted before (though John did use the head-shot of Bludgeon the 1st for his FB profile pic. for a while).  Bludgeon is an impeccably written and illustrated marvel of whimsy and wit.  You can buy it at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks on etsy.com.  You need this book.  It will change your life.   -Marsha

 

Relic

 

The landscape was barren.  Nothing but tusks and the shattered exoskeletons of the creatures that once populated these plains.  Wherever an animal fell, there it rotted.  There were still faint tread marks in the dirt.  The ones who did this were systematic and efficient.

Men rolled out in heavy transports with ugly weapons, shooting the creatures for sport.  With flame and chemical, they sterilized the surface.   Nothing could survive it…not a blade of grass, not an insect, not even a germ…nothing was left to interfere.

There was a special mineral in the soil and they wanted it.  It was dynamic, flexible and highly conductive…more valuable to them than life, obviously.  It changed everything, replacing and expanding human technology over night, even MY brain was made of it.  It made them rich, but to get it they stripped this land down to its bare bones like a swarm of locusts.  And when they were done, they abandoned it and moved on.

I too was abandoned…damaged during the final round-up.  One of those desperate creatures lunged at me, trying to escape while we slaughtered them… but I was not worth fixing.  It was cheaper to replace me.  I was left in a trash with all the other broken tools.  By the time I managed to repair myself, they were long gone.

I don’t know where to go or what to do now.  I’m a relic in the wasteland among the tusks.  Hopeless… but for the tiny sprouts emerging from wherever my footprints have broken the hard, scorched crust…  end.

***This is an illustrated story from our next book (our 4th book), “A Short Burst.”  It is a collection of flash science fiction featuring images originally published in Analog and Asimov’s Sci-Fi Magazines (among others).  Find our books and stuff at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks on Etsy.com.   -Marsha 

 

 

Happy Valentines

I’m so very happy.  I know you are too.                                                     (Please don’t look at my dick.)                                                                                          I painted this face on my belly for you.                                                                (I said, don’t look at my dick.)                                                                                           I hope you will like it.  I very much do.                                                         (What is it with you and my dick?)                                                                                  I love you so much, I really love you.                                                        (Really?  Again?  Are you sick?)

***Best Valentines Day card ever…appropriate for every romantic condition.  Find all our greeting cards at our Etsy store (EEWbooks) or follow the links from www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha

My Robot Valentine

Jonny Bot 5 got horny and hot                                                                                 for a high fashion mannequin girl (who did NOT!).                              Classy and fine, Jonny loved her a lot,                                                              she turned up her nose…a high minded snot.                                                  He brought wild flow’rs by the bunch, by the pot,                                   tried candy, tried gems, read poems – what ROT!                                      But kindness in turn Jonny 5 never got,                                                           not an ounce, not a peck, not even a jot.                                                       Tried…..and tried ’till his brains were quite shot                                        until finally…Jonny went cold……and forgot.

***It’s only 2 weeks until the dreaded Valentines Day.  Here is the perfect greeting card for yet another disgusting commercialized holiday travesty.  Find all our cards on Etsy (EEWbooks), or follow the links to www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha   

Winter Weather Advisory

thesanta-64It was June and sunny.  The first sunny day he’d seen in months.  Standing atop a 60 foot snow drift, Santa surveyed the landscape of Death Valley, Nevada. This was no way to spend his vacation.  Where were the buzzards and the fire ants?  Where were the salt flats and sand dunes?  This place looked too much like home this year…how awful!

Well, what did he expect?  This is where things like consumerism, waste, greed and stupidity get you – and he had to admit, he played his part.  Ever since they hired him to sell capitalism to the huddled masses, back in the 30’s and 40’s…..a snowpocalypse was inevitable.  Mother Nature swings like a sassy pendulum, knocking the idiots aside with the good ones.  Maybe the random survivors will come through smarter and better this time…but he doubted it.  Oh well, he still had to find sunscreen for Mrs. Clause or she’d have his head.

He got back into his sleigh and flew off in search of a frozen supermarket, hoping the looters left some Twinkies…or some milk duds…

THE SANTA: Arguably the greatest Christian icon in history, he is also the hardest fellow to meet.  When I flew to the North Pole for an interview I found nothing there but a giant peppermint flavored pole…and simply planning to intercept his holiday flight got me an angry visit from Homeland Security (again). Frankly, I couldn’t confirm he existed at all (I was crushed).  Yet somehow, he still manages to deliver the most fabulous gifts, each year, to the most affluent and entitled children in the world, (poor children are obviously “BAD”)…..maybe its just as well I didn’t meet this clown.  -Marsha