Ugliest Man alive

ugliest-man-alive-56 Billy O’Banion had to be the ugliest man alive.   He was  monstrous to look at, an absolute fright and there was no hiding it.

Some liked to speculate that his father was a mutant clone or an alien invader.  There was even a vicious rumor that his mother took a demon into her bed.  Really though,  the O’Banions were perfectly respectable.  In fact, Billy’s birth was completely normal and he had a decent, happy childhood.  He’d never succumbed to any horrible illness or accident and was never bitten by an irradiated lab rat.  He simply started getting ugly at some point and kept getting uglier and uglier with each passing day.  He was an inexplicable freak of nature…an awful, tragic figure… sad!?

The funny thing about Billy, however, is that he seemed perfectly okay with his predicament.  He took it all in stride and made lemonade out of the rotten tomatoes he was dealt.  He figured he was a cross between Darth Maul and a Gothic dragon…cool!  See, Billy had an outrageous sense of humor that dwarfed his ugliness.  He was a clever practical joker and filled his days with gigantic gobs of fun.

Nothing tickled his tendrils more than slipping quietly into a mob on the street, disguised in a hoodie…only to burst out suddenly, flashing his most charming grin, yelling “Surprise!!!”  He could barely contain the giggles as they screamed, shat themselves and fainted (usually in that exact order).  It never got old.  He could clear a fast food joint or a movie theatre in seconds and never had trouble getting a good seat.

For a while, he made piles of money in the Mexican masked wrestling circuit but eventually retired on a generous pension provided by several New Jersey towns – “to stay the hell away!” These days, he lives quietly in a posh Hoboken penthouse where he writes creepy clown poetry and practices his banjo…but still gets a kick out of scaring the bajeebies out of solicitors, delivery boys and trick-or-treaters. He likes to leap out of the elevator and gobble them down whole.  Oh, don’t worry, he craps them out onto the carpet an hour later…completely unharmed (at least physically), after all, he always was a vegetarian.

***HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!…the best holiday of the year.  I wrote this in our Saturday ‘Montclair Write Group’ writing workshop with John’s image as the prompt.  Its good practice, good exercise and good inspiration.  John’s image was originally published in a 2010 issue of Analog Magazine.  -Marsha

My Favorite Place


I really can’t think of a favorite place                                                                    but I love the idea of flavored space,                                                                     which happens to rhyme with ‘baby face’                                                          like the horrible growth on my cheek.

I like the idea of an ‘open mic’                                                                                  as long as I’m never the Mike.                                                                                 Exposing my guts to a crowd if you like                                                             might make some people freak.

 I never accepted an open ‘Hand Shake’                                                               though I don’t mind a hand made cake.                                                              Swallowing fingers is awful to take                                                                        but easy to grasp – so to speak.

But my favorite place is up my nose                                                                        where adorable ‘nose hair’ grows,                                                                           which is usually better than ‘smelly toes’                                                             ’cause its cute and fuzzy and chic.

***Lets take a little break from the national disgrace of our elections for something light and adorable and wholesome.  This little ditty makes John giggle like a tickled toddler every time he reads it.   He’s done rough sketches of all the ‘Body-Oddies’ it mentions so far(even though we only used ‘baby face’ for this post).  Our EEWbooks Etsy store is getting some good sales and attention.  Go there, fave our shop and help us get it off to a solid launch.  Thanks.  -Marsha

Making “Speech”

making-speech-54      Oh no!  What are they doing?  Are they going to talk now or…?   Oh god!  They’re about to make…..”SPEECH!”  Oh, eeeeeew, its all over the podium, it even smells like speech.

Every time these political types get up in front of people, they speech and they speech and they speech, incessantly.  Its the worst, the nastiest – sloppiest speech you ever heard.  Like a big steaming pile of drunken speech stumbling about, speeching its filth everywhere.

Oh well, I guess its a sign of the times…but just look at the crowd gathering, its sickening – and they love it.  Ooooh, now they’re spraying the stage with raw speech, projecting hot, sleazy speech all over everybody… they bath in it with relish.  Oh, the humanity!  And no matter how I try to avoid it, I end up covered in it too.  It spatters my shoes, my clothes and gushes painfully from my ears.

I thought it might be different this time around.  I thought we all might have a good healthy discussion like civilized people…..but all we got is more “speech”.

***Was that another clusterfuck debate on Sunday?  Is there ANY intelligent person willing to vote for one of those two assholes?  My god…we are soooooo screwed…..  Meanwhile, Our image is from our wonderful new coloring book, which you can buy on our EEWbooks Etsy store/site.  Here’s the link…   -Marsha

Trousers and Clot

trousers-and-clot-53I once saw a Clown named Trousers                                                                   swallow a Juggler named Clot,                                                                               who didn’t quite like being swallowed                                                                (it was smelly inside and hot).                                                                                    So he kicked and hollered                                                                                           and squirmed and shoved                                                                                           and pushed and punched and swore,                                                                     ’till poor old Trousers burst at the seams                                                          dropping Clot (and his guts) on the floor.

***This one has a special political message…which I’m going to share with you in just one moment…..hang on…its coming, just stay right there and wait a bit……….  Meanwhile, we had a successful show this weekend up near Syracuse NY (a 5 hour drive because john drives like a little old lady).  Scare-A-Con 2016 was an amazing time, full of really amazing people – staff, fellow vendors and especially patrons.  Our next event will be the ‘Indy Author’s Day’ at the Montclair NJ library this coming Saturday, October 8th from 11am to 5pm.  We will be selling books while being entertained by readings, panels and lectures.  It is free to the public, so stop by if you’re in the area.  -Marsha