They came for me in the dead of night, grabbed me forcibly and shoved a black sack over my head. They took me to an undisclosed location, locked me in a room with nothing in it but a table and chair and set a plate of food in front of me. Weird. They told me I could leave…..but only if I finished everything on my plate. I wasn’t hungry.
I tried to reason with them but they ignored me. I ranted and raged and pounded my fists in a heroic hissy fit. I even begged…but they ignored me and by then, hours later, I WAS getting hungry.
The plate of food was still sitting there but I didn’t recognize any of it. It looked like it could be some kind of exotic vegetables. It certainly didn’t smell so good – like farts in a moldy sleeping bag. I resisted.
A few hours later I was famished. I took a closer look at the food. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad – but just then, something twitched. I squeemed with the heebie-jeebies!!…..and looking again, I could swear it was breathing. I thought I would puke but had nothing to give, then it all started to stir and writhe and become agitated – it was REALLY weird (but I was sooooooo hungry).
I grabbed a piece off the plate, wrestled it into my mouth and down my throat. It resisted, kicking and screaming all the way down. That’s when I puked…but as it limped away angrily, I caught it again, ripped it apart with my teeth and ate it. I managed to round up every single piece of those awful, jabbering bits of freakish vegetables….and I must say, it was the best meal I’d had in ages. In fact, I was looking and feeling much more like my old self again. Man! Best Thanksgiving EVER!!!
***Now that THAT’s over and we are well into the corporate buying frenzy marked by the high holy day of ‘Black Friday’, I can shamelessly plug my books. With all the garbage out there you COULD buy to purchase the affections of your loved ones for the year, I stand behind my books for their quality, cynicism and sheer awfulness. They make the best possible Christmas gift for those you love AND those you can’t stand. They’ll help you get laid, enhance your penis and put luster in your stringy hair while that extra ten pounds you’ve been trying to shed will come right off…but be careful, you may become more popular than you can handle. Available on Amazon and Etsy, you can find the links at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha
Stigma the Clown was a master of wit. His gift was ‘the awkward and creepy’. On the corner, at night, he’d stand (or he’d sit) upsetting the neighborhood deeply.
He wasn’t a violent, dangerous bloke, never groped or ran about naked, was never obnoxious or rude when he spoke but some people just couldn’t take it.
Just stood on the corner, creepy and proud, toying with people’s prejudice. A few of us ‘got it’ and laughed out loud but everyone else was incredulous.
“He’s a leech! He’s a thief!! He’s disturbing the peace!” “He’s exposing our kids to his DICK!!!” And once they started to call the police, things got really bad…quick.
“YOU should stay in your OWN neighborhood!” “Your kind aren’t welcome here!” And they chased him down and shot him, for good out of bigotry, hatred and fear.
Stigma continued his terrorist reign form St. Patties’ Day to Thanksgiving. Wherever he went they reacted the same, ’cause this is the ‘Merica we live in.
***I wrote this lovely little ditty to commemorate ‘The Great Clown Scare of 2016’ while John and I were at the Scranton Comic Con this weekend. We had an amazing time – as we always do. Another successful show with our two new books and orig. art prints. Now I get to hibernate for the winter while we finish our next book, “Bludgeon The Clown”. EEW Books plans to publish it in time for the spring Comic Con season. Happy Thanksgiving. -Marsha
Last Wednesday a dude walked into the bar with a REALLY long face. The barkeep looked up and grinned. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He opened his mouth to say…..but thought better of it and simply asked, “What’ll ya have, pal?”
***Everything you were afraid might happen is pretty much already happening. Your craptastic election doesn’t change much. Take a minute or two to get your shit together, then pull up your big boy pants, get off your lazy asses and come join the rest of us in the revolution. Whatever you think or believe, its time to quit your bellyaching and rise up. -Marsha
Democrat? Republican? Who can fuckin’ tell? Red state, Blue state? Die and go to Hell! Argue ’bout it all you want, knock each other out. ‘Right-Left’ bullshit ain’t what its about.
***”We must remember that when we choose the lesser of two evils, we still choose evil” (-Hannah Arendt). I won’t vote for evil… for neither the corporate Democrat, nor the corporate Republican. All the fear mongering, doom and gloom they project to insure our compliance in their bankrupt system is already a reality. Pull your head out of your ass, we live in a broken society. We owe it to those who come after us to do more than just vote ‘D’ or ‘R’ like “Good Germans”. We owe it to them to get off our lazy asses and resist the corporate state. Vote your conscience…and then get out, join a movement and rebel. -Marsha Mellow
All speckled and fuzzy, she tasted like blue with spiny black tendrils of yellowish goo. She dribbled and hissed in licorice throes and sang like a frog-apple shoved up her nose. Shredded and pulpy and gnawing in heat while her farts were so pungently sweet. flailing in fancy with peppermint splashes, her mango-bat claws left slashes. And when she was salty she prattled and leapt and when she was orange she slept. And when she was rancid, with droplets of dew, she definitely tasted like blue.
***I didn’t write this drivel. Even my artist, John, in all his bizarre idiocy couldn’t compose this kind of brilliant shat. But, as I recall…I think it was the mutant tiger chick and her kinky prey who did it. Well, read it again and try to find the clever hidden meaning to it – then buy my books (find them at www.sallemander.com). John’s illustration was first licensed for use as the Jan/Feb 2009 cover for Analog Magazine, for a story by Rajnar Vajra (one of John’s favorite authors) -Marsha