Captain’s Log: Oct. 31, 2017, 4:16 pm. Earth time.
Oh my…this is going to be SO easy! All that hard work preparing costumes and disguises for this mission…..completely unnecessary. Just look at this place. The natives here are CRAZY! All day since we landed they’ve been running around dressed up in outrageous costumes, as monsters and zombies and hookers and well…even aliens. I think we’re gonna fit in here, just fine. But hooo-boy, when I get back home, I’m going to tear the advanced team a new one. Their intelligence reports painted such a boring, conservative picture of this species…SHEEESH, were they wrong!? Why, just now I saw a tiny little demon girl approaching our safe-house door…..hang on…’DING—DONG!’…..”Trick or treat!!!”
***John’s illustration was originally published in the October 2014 issue of Analog Magazine for a story by Joyce and Stanley Schmidt. Stan is an old friend and was the editor of Analog for about 3 decades. You can find their orig. story in the archives at analogsf.com. This was originally posted on Halloween in 2015 (my 4th post ever), but most of you will have missed it. Happy Halloween! -Marsha
BLUDGEON THE CLOWN
“Bludgeon the Clown” is a fully illustrated ‘graphic novel’ exposing the grizzly details of our ongoing, nationwide clown conspiracy and cover-up. The material in this book could irrevocably alter life as we know it (for the better)…unless we’re really careful. Written by Marsha Mellow (with over 100 illustrations by John Allemand), it is 100 pages, perfect bound, stiff cover, 8.5x11in. size – of candy-coated, yummy clown-infected goodness. Price $29.95
***Hooray!!! Our new book is finally out. It’s big, it’s beautiful, tastes great and smells like filthy blue-ish nose crystals dipped in spleen juice, slathered in gooey irony and deep fried to a crispy hubris. Check it out on our website (linked above), as well as Etsy and Amazon. BUT…even if clowns aren’t your thing, it makes the perfect gift for your most annoying in-laws – or that estranged sibling you only ever argue with on the holidays. -Marsha
Spindle the Clown was really old, so he went to Miami for rest but drank more vodka than he could hold and collapsed with a pain in his chest.
He died that night in his hotel suit but not before fouling his shorts and hurling his lunch from his chest to his feet in retching, heaving, snorts.
Nobody knew he was there, by chance, having very few friends, to be sure, and his room was paid for the month in advance with “DO NOT DISTURB!” on the door.
So his body sat in the heat to bloat and his organs turned to soup and flies laid eggs in his nose and throat and beetles infested his poop.
Rats and roaches came up through the shower, the odors were pungent and fresh and feasted on Spindle for 93 hours, stripping his bones of flesh.
When housekeeping finally entered the room, hardly a crumb remained. Spindle the Clown was completely gone, except for his creepy brain.
***We met Spindle the Clown a few years ago while researching death rituals among the Clown species. We spent a week documenting his demise – only to witness him defy death in the end. Sadly, his brain grew up to be a corporate banker…..very tragic. John insisted that we use this image for our first post (back in Oct., 2015) for some strange symbolism that only idiotic artists understand. Whatever! We’re recycling some of our old favorites while everyone is busy setting up our websites and shows to make our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” available for sale. Contact me through www.sallemander.com if you want an advance copy (only $29.95). -Marsha
Oh man…not again! They are NOT going to be ready for dinner. Why do they DO this? Every time I marinate the steaks, THEY treat it like a wild hot-tub party. They invite their weirdo friends – honey ham, sausage links and chicken thigh – and make a gigantic sloppy mess of the fridge. They drink all my cold beer, they turn my soft tortillas into soggy pulp, using them as towels, getting in and out of the sauce all day…and the Mariachi Brother’s Hot Sauce breaks most of the glass bottles, blasting their ‘Cha-cha-cha’ music! I can’t even describe what they’re doing to my poor hotdogs and fresh vegetables, eeeeeew, but they are NOT going anywhere near MY mouth after that! This has gotten to be a high steaks problem. Those steaks are LIT! They’re high as a kite…again!? UGH!!
***We finally have advance copies of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” We were able to have them in time for the Lehigh Valley Comic Con on Saturday…it was amazing!!! E-mail me through our website (www.sallemander.com) if you want a copy. It’s only $29.95, 100 pages of full color clown delight (horror), and it explains…everything. Meanwhile, we’re working on getting the book posted up on our ‘buy it’ page, as well as onto Etsy and Amazon. We’ll also have new 4x4in stickers and a bunch of new original prints for sale, asap. WOO-HOO!!! I’m so excited. -Marsha
I do nothing all day but sit in my cell, chained to the wall in a puddle of rancid liquid. The place is filthy, the toilet hasn’t worked in weeks and that awful television box is my only form of entertainment. It screams at me and blathers their inane, selfish ‘culture’ all day, it’s all I can do to block it out, lest I lose my sanity. The only decent people I have to speak with are the cockroaches, who seem to come and go as they please…
They take me out twice a week to show me off to their military luminaries while their (so-called) scientists run ‘tests’. They mostly probe my anus and shock my genitals and laugh like lunatics as they torture me. I don’t understand their obsession with my junk – and I don’t get the reference to it as “payback”. My people have never visited this place before.
They are an ugly people. I don’t mean their pasty, bloated flesh, two meager eyes and stubby fingers that make them look like deformed infants. I’m referring to their brutish indifference to justice, authoritarian rule and the cognitive dissonance of the masses. The racist, nasty things they call me…well, I can’t even begin to repeat in polite company. This is certainly no way to treat an ambassador.
I would never have come to this primitive cesspool if it wasn’t for engine trouble – and a spread of ballistic missiles that took all the dignity out of my crash landing. These people ignored my distress calls and now refuse to honor my diplomatic immunity…..boy oh boy, when the mother ship gets here to rescue me, they are gonna FRY this place!
***This piece was first posted on Dec. 8th, 2015 as our 10th post. The image was a cover illustration that John did for Analog Magazine for the June, 2007 issue. We needed an easy break this week as we gear up to release our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” It’s with the printer now and we’re hoping to have advance copies to bring to the Lehigh Valley Comic Con on Oct. 7th, where John will be a featured guest artist. Come join us (I might be there too). -Marsha