Mom always said she had eyes in the back of her head. I always thought she was joking, but still, I never could get away with anything behind her back. It was uncanny. She was just really clever, right? She KNEW me so well she could always tell what I was up to…..right? WRONG!!
Yesterday she pulled me aside, angry that I tracked mud through her kitchen right behind her back and blamed my little sister for it. She parted the neat bun of hair and curlers behind her ears to reveal a creepy set of eyes. Wow! (did NOT see that coming) My knees gave out and I sat down hard in the puddle of mud on the floor. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I saw a hairy nose there too…but when a bearded mouth opened wide and berated me with the colorful expletives of a drunken sailor at the volume of a drill sergeant on parade…well, let’s just say that I suddenly had more to mop off the floor than a muddy set of footprints. (True story.)
***Another excerpt from our new book (our 4th book), “A Short Burst”…a collection of short, intense, flash science fiction. Find (and buy) all our books at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha
Last Wednesday a dude walked into the bar with a REALLY long face. The barkeep looked up and grinned. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He opened his mouth to say…..but thought better of it and simply asked, “What’ll ya have, pal?” The horse, sitting at the end of the bar laughed hysterically.
***This is a rough sketch from what will be our 5th book, “Body-Oddies”…we’re hoping John will have the illustrations done by the first of the year, 2020, so we can have it out for sale by spring. Find all our books at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha
“Worse day of my life…” began the hairy stranger at the bar, “…the day I lost my HEAD!” He stared at me oddly, chuckling. His words hung in the air for a while as I wondered who the heck he was and why he was chatting me up. There was something ‘off’ about him that I just couldn’t put my finger on, and he sounded absurd! “What?!” I asked, a little annoyed. “Yeah!” he continued, “It just tumbled off and rolled away. I couldn’t find it for a YEAR!” ‘How ridiculous’ I thought – but then, I remembered hearing about that sort of thing happening more and more these days. “I found it conjoined with some other dude’s left hand like a circus freak-show exhibit …awkward!”
I reached for my beer glass but knocked it over with the empty stump of my wrist. The stranger grinned at me and chuckled again knowingly. It seems that both my hands had quietly popped off and were crawling down the bar toward the attractive woman in the breasty, low cut blouse at the end…the one I was too shy to approach earlier. I didn’t know what they planned but I could just imagine what MY brainless hands might like to do with HER. That’s when I noticed the stranger’s collar – bolted tightly ‘round his neck. It looked positively medieval but locked his wayward head soundly to his torso. ‘How clever?!’ I thought.
The barkeep wiped up my spilled beer with a lovely pair of shapely, ladies arms –which did NOT match the rest of his otherwise burly, tattooed frame. He caught me staring but shrugged and nodded me in the direction of my hands as they broke into a run…..while the woman’s breasts leapt out of her blouse and took off in opposite directions.
***This image and story is featured on page 38 in our new book, “A Short Burst” which is available soon. To see (and buy) all our books, just follow the link above to www.sallemander.com. -Marsha
Clowns Are Nuts and leave them in gooey, nasty, sacks everywhere they go. Clowns shed nuts faster than toenails, which survive infancy more often than those spawned in poop, booger, zit, earwax, sweat, spit and severing. The hardiest of the species seem to come from the squashy, croquet-ball-sized nut, laid like an egg by an infected gazelle. People who find them often feel compelled to decorate them like fancy easter eggs. Some folks mistake them for gob-stoppers.
Clowns who leave their severed parts lying about often discover an unexpected bundle of joy. They know they can re-grow missing bits but forget that their parts can also regenerate. Sometimes they grow to be identical twins……or worse.
I’m reminded of a secret experiment conducted by the government, about a decade ago in Yonkers, in which clown parts were surgically transplanted onto human subjects (volunteer convicts) to test their possible military applications.
It all went bad from the outset. Each of the dissected clowns expired as soon as his various nose, hands or wiener was removed but worse, all thirteen human (victims) recipients went immediately bonkers, breaking out of their holding pens in a fiendish dancing frenzy. Most didn’t survive the week, gorging themselves on fast food,
***These are the elements that comprise page 39 of our brilliant book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” Everything in it is absolutely true and exhaustively researched. All our books can be found (to buy) at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha