Mick was always an awkward fellow. He tried to be a regular dude like everybody else but it never really felt right. He did his best to dress normal, he had an average haircut, dated respectable girls…even got a boring middle management job in a large corporation, just as everybody expected, still, Mick was never quite comfortable. He had the constant urge to break out of the box, jump up and sing, to run about, dancing with joy to be free. He struggled with it every day…and sometimes he slipped; He would catch himself about to smear his face with lipstick and crack lewd jokes – or smash his bosses face down into the banana cream pie he accidentally brought to work – or pull out the condiment bottles he had in his trouser pockets (for some strange reason) and paste everyone in the board room with goopy ketchup and mustard. Worse, some days he would get all the way to work and realize he’d worn one striped sock and one plaid sock (weird). And every day it just got harder and harder to fight the urge to shred his dull grey business suit, to peel off his own mundane skin and release the amazing, passionate (spectacular) monster that was trapped inside…..and one day, when he no longer had a reason not to…he did just that.
***The first post of 2019. Scrape off all the crap and the crud and wash away the slime of last year so you can be clear headed and ready for the clusterfuck that’s coming. The image above was adapted from an Analog Magazine spread John did in 2013…then used as the BIO page illustration in our 3rd book,”Bludgeon the Clown” for EEW Books. Find our books at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha
It was June and sunny. The first sunny day he’d seen in months. Standing atop a 60 foot snow drift, Santa surveyed the landscape of Death Valley, Nevada. This was no way to spend his vacation. Where were the buzzards and the fire ants? Where were the salt flats and sand dunes? This place looked too much like home this year…how awful!
Well, what did he expect? This is where things like consumerism, waste, greed and stupidity get you – and he had to admit, he played his part. Ever since they hired him to sell capitalism to the huddled masses, back in the 30’s and 40’s…..a snowpocalypse was inevitable. Mother Nature swings like a sassy pendulum, knocking the idiots aside with the good ones. Maybe the random survivors will come through smarter and better this time…but he doubted it. Oh well, he still had to find sunscreen for Mrs. Clause or she’d have his head.
He got back into his sleigh and flew off in search of a frozen supermarket, hoping the looters left some Twinkies…or some milk duds…
THE SANTA: Arguably the greatest Christian icon in history, he is also the hardest fellow to meet. When I flew to the North Pole for an interview I found nothing there but a giant peppermint flavored pole…and simply planning to intercept his holiday flight got me an angry visit from Homeland Security (again). Frankly, I couldn’t confirm he existed at all (I was crushed). Yet somehow, he still manages to deliver the most fabulous gifts, each year, to the most affluent and entitled children in the world, (poor children are obviously “BAD”)…..maybe its just as well I didn’t meet this clown. -Marsha
Twas quarter past Christmas. We sat in despair. The eviction notice was posted with care. No money for food, no money for rent, what little we saved for presents was spent. Our jobs were in China, our taxes were due and the kids would be up in an hour or two…
When what to my wondering eyes should appear but a Holiday Clown with a menacing sneer. He carried a hammer, already slick, with the juice of that jolly elitist, Saint Nick. And he gave us a satchel of presents and cash that was meant for a gaggle of rich little brats. And he said with a laugh as he strode out of sight, “Merry Christmas to ALL…..and to all a good night!”
***This is the third in a set of 3 new snarky Christmas cards we posted at our EEWbooks Etsy store. We usually sell these for $4.99 each, at the book fests and comic cons, but you can get the set 3 for $12.00. Use the www.sallemander.com link above to our site and hit the Etsy link. Buy lots of them for…..stuff. Thanks. -Marsha
Clowns for Christmas? Fingers with Faces? Expecting reindeer and elves? Think that’s weird, go find a mirror and take a good look at yourselves!
***This is the second in a set of 3 snarky Christmas cards we’re posting up for sale at our Etsy store, EEWbooks. We usually sell them for $4.99 each at the book fests and comic cons, but you can get the set of 3 for $12.00. Follow the link to our site www.sallemander.com and click on the Etsy link (simple!). Buy them they’re fantastic. Thanks. -Marsha
Lester the Jester threw up his supper, emerging instead as a fool named Skupper who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob expelling another named Bob, who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile, appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle who stuck out his tongue and said with a leer “Happy Christmas to all and a Merry New Year.”
***This is the first in a set of 3 new snarky Christmas cards we’re posting up on our Etsy store for sale. We sell them at the book festivals and conventions for $4.99 each, but you can get the set of 3 for $12.00 at EEWbooks on Etsy (follow the www.sallemander.com link above to the Etsy link – easy!). Thanks. -Marsha