Tag Archives: yucky

Boogey Man

Boogey Man Dan was alive and well                                                                        and couldn’t believe his good luck.                                                                      Up until now he lived up my nose                                                                      and was rather hopelessly stuck.                                                                      Now he’s stuck to my finger,                                                                                    like a glob of cold runny eggs.                                                                                    At least he got out in one solid piece                                                                    with all of his fingers and legs.                                                                              But what to do now?  Where should he go?                                                  His entire life lay ahead!                                                                                        …until I decided to knead him to bits                                                                and flick his corpse away…..dead.

***I’m travelling again and I’ve noticed that in every American airport there’s a special line for rich, rude, entitled people who pay loads of extra money so they can be first in line and feel important (I guess), even though we all get on the same plane, breathe the same air and arrive at the same time.  THEY get to be first, at the front, like the petty popular kids in grammar school…and I just have to  laugh at the silly people.  The last time I was in Moab, Ut., there was one such dignified, aristocratic fellow who spent the entire trip to Philadelphia picking his nose, which inspired me to write this little ditty on the plane.    -Marsha


Jack the Clown

I once met a clown named Jack                                                                           who shoved a grenade up his crack.                                                                  They recovered his penis                                                                                         halfway to Venus                                                                                                            and both of his balls in Iraq.

***Today we celebrate our ‘195th post’…and every195 posts we publish the most offensive dick-n-balls, exploding clown limerick we can find.  This one comes to us from Venus the Clown (a major contributor to our new book “Bludgeon the Clown”).  John (the artist) claims Venus lifted it from John’s notes and reworked it to put his own name in it.  He says he heard it a decade ago from an old friend, Robert Kopecky, when they worked on ‘Codename: Kids Next Door’ together.  I think John just hates my good friend Venus and likes to ruin my ‘195th post’ celebration…  -Marsha

*P.S.  The only problem with Venus’ limerick (besides being disgusting) is that you have to mispronounce Iraq like a typical American (eye-rack), for the rhyme to work properly.  Find our books, buy them all at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com.   -M 

Happy Valentines

I’m so very happy.  I know you are too.                                                     (Please don’t look at my dick.)                                                                                          I painted this face on my belly for you.                                                                (I said, don’t look at my dick.)                                                                                           I hope you will like it.  I very much do.                                                         (What is it with you and my dick?)                                                                                  I love you so much, I really love you.                                                        (Really?  Again?  Are you sick?)

***Best Valentines Day card ever…appropriate for every romantic condition.  Find all our greeting cards at our Etsy store (EEWbooks) or follow the links from www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha

Fritz the Clown

fritz-the-clown-65There once was a clown named Fritz                                                                 with a festering face full of zits.                                                                               They filled up with goo                                                                                                  ’till they finally blew                                                                                                        in a fountain of putrefied bits.

This image and poem was published in our “Bludgeon the Clown” book, in the chapter on ‘procreation and birth’…yeah, it’s as fascinating as it is factual.  You need to read it.  John (my illustrator) and I finished our 3 year, Comic Con experiment in September.  We discovered that although they’re a lot of fun, they are a shit-show for anyone trying to sell or promote ORIGINAL concepts in art and publishing…if you aren’t trying to exploit somebody elses’ creative work.  They are a hive of bootleggers, thieves and hacks – and the knuckle-dragging fans who don’t give a shit what kind of crap they buy, as long as it has their batman or blue-haired anime chick in it.  You can find my original concept art and books and buy them at www.sallemander.com.  -Marsha

Constant Craving

constant craving-13

“Constant gravy!?…did he say constant gravy?” but everyone was already busy writing and the professor’s response was garbled…but sure, constant gravy seemed right.  I was feeling pretty woozy since I cut myself shaving earlier and couldn’t make it stop bleeding.  It just gushed, thick and goopy…yeah, constant gravy…coool!

What began as a simple nick under my nose, got worse a few minutes later when blood started running down my cheek.  An hour later, it was dripping copiously.  In two hours it was a steady flow and by lunchtime I was squirting all over the place, soaking my clothes, the furniture and the walls and it was impossible to concentrate as the room kept spinning faster and faster…..

I must have spaced out for a while because when I woke, the stuff leaking out was no longer red.  Thankfully it was just cheese wizz leaking from the push nozzle on my head.  What?!…don’t you have a nozzle?…and what’s so weird about that?  Best of all, the harder I pumped the thicker it flowed…aaaaah, pretty…..

I must have spaced out for a while but was relieved to see that I wasn’t bleeding any more and it was actually gravy all along…and doesn’t everybody get their gravy from a cut on their face?  My gravy was really warm and rich, mmmmmmmm.  It was bluish green with vermillion streaks and had delightful lumps of darkish mauve.  Clear waxy bits of rice and corn changed into garbanzos and back.  There were gangly chunks of chicken and potatoes with a sprinkling of cayan pepper fins, oregano claws and ground curry scales.  Carrots, onions and celery swam serenely with a school of minced garlic on the aroma of steamed guacamole tails…oooooh!  I love a good stew with gravy, especially when I’m feeling so limp and cold…Just the thing to pick me up…..

I must have spaced out…what was I saying?…..

***This really happened.  It’s lucky that John got a good sketch of this guy at the writing workshop before things went sideways.  This post is an illustration from our BODY-ODDIES book, whose publication was just bumped to next year.  EEW Books decided to give John (the illustrator) more time to do a better quality job.  It’s a little weird, I never worked with a company who cared about quality or had any discernable integrity…  In the meantime, I am finishing up on an illustrated sci-fi/flash-fiction book, to be published first – this year.  You can find all of our current books at www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha

Birth of a Clown

Birth of a Clown-47The birth of a Clown is a sacred thing.                                                                 A blessed and joyous day.                                                                                               So pinch your nose and light a match                                                                    and try not to flush it away.

***They say “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar” – but even more with poop.  This is a page from our first book, “Blue-ish Freaks.”  Find all our books at www.sallemander.com or follow the links above.   -Marsha

Lester the Jester


Lester the Jester threw up his supper,                                                   emerging instead as a fool named Skupper                                                  who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob                                      expelling another named Bob,                                                                             who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile,                                                        appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle                                                               who turned to his mates and stuck out his tongue saying,                         “Better off here… than out Lester’s bung.”

***He must have eaten something funny.  This is from our new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.”  Buy the book.  It will transform your life.  Visit our website (find the link at the top of the page);  www.sallemander.com   -Marsha 

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen


Food was scarce.  People were struggling.  The war was taking it’s toll as there were shortages of everything from fuel to toilet paper to empathy.  Rationing was severe and people were showing signs of stress.  There was unemployment, hunger and daily violent protests against the corporate government who caused this blowback war after decades of capitalist conquest.  There was no sign of improvement on the horizon and…..food was scarce.

Leon’s Bar and Grill, however, seemed to be an exception to the misery. Leon, the proprietor, had a brilliant (desperate) idea a few months back when he realized he had too many cooks in the kitchen and not enough food to serve.  Seeing his business on the brink of failure, he did the only logical thing;  He ‘fired’ all his cooks and took over in the kitchen personally.  He posted a new menu featuring ‘Chef’s specials’ like Chef’s Stew, Chef Pot Pie and Roasted Leg of Chef.  He fired them all… in the big convection oven (though a few got deep fried, stewed…or grilled…..and one guy got sautéed in a wok) and his business has been thriving ever since.

Funny thing, though…once he solved his cook problem, he settled an old issue with that annoying waitress, Marge and finally took care of that pesky neighborhood Clown who always annoyed his customers as they came and went.

These days, ‘Leon’s’ is the only establishment in town with a ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the window…and I hear the food’s really good.

***We thought a little cannibalism this week would be a welcome break from what has become the norm in America;  Illegal war, torture, kidnapping, rape, assassination, terrorism, corruption, torture  usury, inequality and a massive political freak show.  Hmmmm…..eating people’s got nothin’ on Corporate America – bon appetit!  (This is another page from our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.”  Find it – and buy it – by following the www.sallemander.com link above.)  -Marsha


handyman-image-06     Darryl woke up with that feeling again – impossible to describe but all too familiar at this point. He kept his eyes closed for a while longer, savoring the dream he was having about his old, normal life…before all the changes…before every morning became a horror show, wondering if he would find another growth.

He did his best to soothe his anxiety, tried to make lemonade out of the lemons that seemed to be smothering him.  After all, how could yet another, extra hand possibly be all that bad for a skilled craftsman who worked with his hands?  Each one seemed to have all his talent and strength.  His productivity tripled, he was making money hand-over-fist (no pun intended) and for the first time in his life, people found him kinda interesting…..

But…waking up every few days with another fully formed hand growing out of some empty patch of his flesh was really starting to effect his sanity.

***This was a tough image to pull out of John’s thick head but with an iron skillet and a power drill I finally managed it (long story) and it lead to a new book project called “Body-Oddies” (which won’t be done for at least a year).  -Marsha



There once was a Clown named Fudge,                                                     whose bowels refused to budge.                                                                       He’d sit and he’d sit                                                                                                         but just couldn’t shit,                                                                                                       not even a gob or a smudge.

***Fudge was the first ‘REAL’ Clown we ever interviewed who we regard with some affection as he exploded shortly after John sketched out this scene.  He turned out okay but destroyed a strip mall along with 27 cars and pasted us all in fudge…we laughed…..and laughed…  -Marsha