When the bear suddenly reared up on it’s hind legs by the campfire – it’s roar piercing my very soul – I was only briefly distracted by the warm, wet sensation spreading in my trousers. The funniest thought went through my head as I regained my senses, leapt up, and took off through the woods, howling like an injured bagpipe…I thought about the extra ten pounds I packed on last winter and what a porky, middle-aged schlubb I had become. But then I remembered how much fatter and stupider all my camping buddies had gotten…and how much more drunk they were right now…and that I really didn’t have to outrun the BEAR…..and my desperate howl simmered down to a pathetic sobbing squeal…with an ironic snark every 5th gasp or so, which I cannot explain.
***Yet another pair that probably won’t be in the new “Body-Oddies” book, at least not the way you see them. This version of the image is good and I like it, but the original version fits the theme of the spread much better. The written bit was eliminated from the project a while ago, before it went to the publisher. I decided to save it for something else…like a blog post. And now I can share it here. We’re still waiting on a print and release date, but as the plague abates, so the publishing and selling frenzy nears. -Marsha
***Aristocrat is part of an illustration featured in our “Bludgeon the Clown” book. It’s always a good one at election time…most people don’t get it. Find our shop on Etsy (search EEWbooks). Buy our books. There are four illustrated books now, with a new one coming out soon. -Marsha
***”Escape” is another tiny swatch from a page in our first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.” No silly story or poetry, we’re too busy getting our next book finished to post that shit…BUT, you can check out all our amazing books and stuff at etsy.com (search EEWbooks), or follow the links. -Marsha
***”Pail Blue Hand” is just a tiny swatch from an illustration in our third book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” I love it. It’s so artsy-fartsy, like a 1970’s still life painting of flowers and fruit and stuff…only different. You can find all four of our illustrated books at etsy.com (search EEWbooks). -Marsha
***This is Forlorn the Robot, a cropped inset from one of the illustrations in our latest book, “A Short Burst.” I guess if you want to see the rest of it (and read the story it goes with), you can just follow the links and buy the book!…or go to etsy.com and search EEWbooks. -Marsha
I am Joe’s big left toe nail. See me soar through the air like a demented boomerang. I know not where I shall land but I’ll probably miss the trash bin because Joe’s ability to aim the stuff he spits out is for shit.
I guess Joe finally got tired of my glorious reign, as master of all I surveyed, at the tip of his big toe. I must have threatened his manhood (or ruined the tips of too many socks). He once tried to clip me with a fingernail trimmer but I valiantly resisted – and broke it! So he got pissed off, sat down on the toilet, and ripped me right off with his teeth.
I say, ‘Good riddance to Joe!’ I shall become king of all the gross stuff next to his overflowing trash can, as I can see that I am already the mightiest of all the toe nails there and shall rule for all eternity, since Joe is far too lazy to clean his friggin’ bathroom, which smells like the squeaky ass end of a dead rhinoceros on a hot, sunny day.
***We have the cult classic, “Fight Club” to thank for the inspiration for this flash-fiction fragment. It originated as a prompt in our Saturday ‘Free-Write’ workshop with the Montclair NJ Write Group. I pilfered the red rough “Finger Nails” sketch from our Body-Oddies book. It doesn’t exactly fit…but kinda does, in a really cool way (according to John, the illustrator). Body-Oddies will be our 5th book and will be out early this year (as soon as John finishes the friggin’ illustrations!!!). -Marsha
Last Wednesday a dude walked into the bar with a REALLY long face. The barkeep looked up and grinned. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He opened his mouth to say…..but thought better of it and simply asked, “What’ll ya have, pal?” The horse, sitting at the end of the bar laughed hysterically.
***This is a rough sketch from what will be our 5th book, “Body-Oddies”…we’re hoping John will have the illustrations done by the first of the year, 2020, so we can have it out for sale by spring. Find all our books at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha
Hey!… Do you remember that thing? You know…that THING?? Oh, you remember. We saw it the other day when we were doing the other thing…..what’s-is face was there. Oh, you know who I mean, the one from… oh gosh…from over yonder with the thing-ummy-thing on his who’s-is-what’s-it?…And we laughed and laughed about it the whole time? But he wasn’t so amused. He took the issue up with…oh, you know who, the one at the place…..um, the place right next door to the other MAIN place? And she went totally ballistic about everything, especially that one thing…..but not the thing I’m talking about. I meant the OTHER thing. Yeah! The thing with the thing-a-ma-jig…Yes!!! You know the thing! UGH!!! I seem to forget EVERY thing…but I definitely remember THAT!
***This conversation isn’t all that unusual. It happens more often than I’d care to admit. What amazes me is how often we completely understand each other whenever we do…..whoever it is. -Marsha
Willy arrived at the party with his friend Willy and his other friend Willy. He was happy to be invited, he and his friends didn’t get many invites (they were kinda nerds) but it soon became apparent that this party would be another sausage fest. The prospects looked pretty gloomy when he saw that everybody there was a ‘Willy’. At least there was plenty of beer. After a while he noticed the place getting really hot and humid. There might as well have been flames licking up between the gratings in the floor…and all the Willies were getting some awkward, nasty looking tan lines – just like his – and they were drinking gallons of ice-cold beer to compensate for…
That’s when he realized…it was all a scam. This was a…..BAR-BE-QUE!!!
***Happy Labor Day! If you are a wealthy capitalist, today is a day of triumph. You’ve won the class war that most people still don’t seem to realize already happened. If you are a working person, don’t despair, sure the unions are mostly dead and your job is a shit-show, but from here there’s nowhere to go but up…HOORAY!!! This is one from our “Body-Oddies” project, a craptastic journey through the rancid mind of my artist, John Allemand. find and buy our books at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha