Tag Archives: cosplay

Fritz the Clown

fritz-the-clown-65There once was a clown named Fritz                                                                 with a festering face full of zits.                                                                               They filled up with goo                                                                                                  ’till they finally blew                                                                                                        in a fountain of putrefied bits.

This image and poem was published in our “Bludgeon the Clown” book, in the chapter on ‘procreation and birth’…yeah, it’s as fascinating as it is factual.  You need to read it.  John (my illustrator) and I finished our 3 year, Comic Con experiment in September.  We discovered that although they’re a lot of fun, they are a shit-show for anyone trying to sell or promote ORIGINAL concepts in art and publishing…if you aren’t trying to exploit somebody elses’ creative work.  They are a hive of bootleggers, thieves and hacks – and the knuckle-dragging fans who don’t give a shit what kind of crap they buy, as long as it has their batman or blue-haired anime chick in it.  You can find my original concept art and books and buy them at www.sallemander.com.  -Marsha

It’s All Speculation

Herbert had been prone to rashes since he was a kid.  He caught them all – like a rash magnet…it was inexplicable.  He had at least three rashes on any given day of his life.  As a sickly nerd, he never had friends…..so how the heck did he get chicken pox?  He never had sex, so where did he get crabs?  Hell, he had rashes no one ever heard of.  He was a spotty, itchy, miserable pariah (though he was a delight to his dermatologist).

Anyway, when the ‘Speckles’ showed up, Herbert was neither surprised nor alarmed…but when they became an infestation, weird stuff started happening.  All his old rashes now had a rash of their own.  The Speckles definitely did not respect other rashes’ turf.  His chicken pox grew feathers and beaks, his goose bumps grew long necks and started nipping and spitting at other rashes and his scarlet fever?…WOW!… well…lets just say that when she reached puberty…things got REALLY awkward.

The Speckles went on to occupy every inch of Herbert and ousted all his other rashes – which would have been good except that each Speckle became enormous, grew a face and took on a personality of its own.  They started talking amongst themselves – argued with each other constantly (about religion and politics, ugh!)  and sang bawdy songs at all hours.  It made things quite uncomfortable for Herbert, though not as bad as the realization that they’d become stronger, smarter and cooler than him.  It wasn’t long before Herbert diminished completely into the shadow of his own brilliant speculations…

***Oh, how this reminds me of my teenage years…though my speckles were quite amiable and we were into the same music.  This image comes from our “Creepy Clowns Coloring Book.”  You can find all our books at www.sallemander.com   -Marsha

Constant Craving

constant craving-13

“Constant gravy!?…did he say constant gravy?” but everyone was already busy writing and the professor’s response was garbled…but sure, constant gravy seemed right.  I was feeling pretty woozy since I cut myself shaving earlier and couldn’t make it stop bleeding.  It just gushed, thick and goopy…yeah, constant gravy…coool!

What began as a simple nick under my nose, got worse a few minutes later when blood started running down my cheek.  An hour later, it was dripping copiously.  In two hours it was a steady flow and by lunchtime I was squirting all over the place, soaking my clothes, the furniture and the walls and it was impossible to concentrate as the room kept spinning faster and faster…..

I must have spaced out for a while because when I woke, the stuff leaking out was no longer red.  Thankfully it was just cheese wizz leaking from the push nozzle on my head.  What?!…don’t you have a nozzle?…and what’s so weird about that?  Best of all, the harder I pumped the thicker it flowed…aaaaah, pretty…..

I must have spaced out for a while but was relieved to see that I wasn’t bleeding any more and it was actually gravy all along…and doesn’t everybody get their gravy from a cut on their face?  My gravy was really warm and rich, mmmmmmmm.  It was bluish green with vermillion streaks and had delightful lumps of darkish mauve.  Clear waxy bits of rice and corn changed into garbanzos and back.  There were gangly chunks of chicken and potatoes with a sprinkling of cayan pepper fins, oregano claws and ground curry scales.  Carrots, onions and celery swam serenely with a school of minced garlic on the aroma of steamed guacamole tails…oooooh!  I love a good stew with gravy, especially when I’m feeling so limp and cold…Just the thing to pick me up…..

I must have spaced out…what was I saying?…..

***This really happened.  It’s lucky that John got a good sketch of this guy at the writing workshop before things went sideways.  This post is an illustration from our BODY-ODDIES book, whose publication was just bumped to next year.  EEW Books decided to give John (the illustrator) more time to do a better quality job.  It’s a little weird, I never worked with a company who cared about quality or had any discernable integrity…  In the meantime, I am finishing up on an illustrated sci-fi/flash-fiction book, to be published first – this year.  You can find all of our current books at www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha

Birth of a Clown

Birth of a Clown-47The birth of a Clown is a sacred thing.                                                                 A blessed and joyous day.                                                                                               So pinch your nose and light a match                                                                    and try not to flush it away.

***They say “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar” – but even more with poop.  This is a page from our first book, “Blue-ish Freaks.”  Find all our books at www.sallemander.com or follow the links above.   -Marsha

The Old City Square

Vacation: Day 1

Arrived in the city okay, it was an easy flight.  I booked a little Bed & Breakfast right off the central square, in the old part of the city.  It’s as beautiful as the pictures.  I love the architecture…but I seem to have arrived in the aftermath of some kind of protest or riot or something.  There were broken windows, burning debris and overturned cars.  I also saw injured people being carried away.  But…it was all cleared up in no time and the old city returned to its colorful, medieval charm.  I love the costumes they dress up in for the tourists.  Excited to begin exploring this place.

 

Vacation:  Day 3

There was a riot in the old city square again.  It was very scary…and exhilarating!  I had met some of the locals while shopping.  They seemed nice enough but looked suspiciously at me, as a foreigner, and were wound up waaaay too tight.  Events in the news had people on edge, but I managed to piece it together from gossip;

I seems they had a popular athlete who used his fame and fortune to protest the discrimination of his own minority (brown skinned) culture.  I noticed how they treated brown people in my brief interactions, so far, despite being the same species.  There had already been several ugly riots…not to end the injustice, but to keep the status quo, so people could enjoy their sports without feeling uncomfortable.  They smashed and looted brown skinned people’s businesses and burned the athlete’s swag and effigy in the old city square.  It sounded ridiculous…

This time people were upset because a prominent shoe company hired the same athlete to advertise their brand.  A little research showed that the company used child slave labor in their factories…but that didn’t bother people.  They just hated the brown people protesting.  The government and the wealthy used the media to whip everyone up into a frenzy…and they rioted.

People smashed and looted and gathered up all their shoes and burned them in the old city square.  This place is weird.

 

Vacation:  Day 6

There was another riot today.  No sooner had things settled down and I was able to get out to enjoy the city again, when new rumblings of trouble began among the locals.  This time it was political.  It took me about an hour of research to get the measure of their incredibly broken economic and political system;

So…the city’s last big election featured two grossly incompetent candidates.  The numerous crimes and scandals of the winner were already rich fodder for regular riots…but this time (with the help of elitist propaganda), instead of demonizing the source of uncomfortable information (as usual), they stirred people up against the press, the messengers of all the embarrassing and dangerous news.  Once whipped into a proper froth, the rioters smashed and looted, rounding up journalists and writers, beating them bloody and burning all the books and newspapers in the old city square…they also burned down the city library.

It’s too bad, it was a gorgeous building and some of their literature was extraordinary.

 

Vacation:  Day 10

I spent the last few days locked in my room.  The city wasn’t safe.  There was a minor riot yesterday, something about red haired people seemed to provoke a spontaneous fracas.  They’re happening more and more frequently.  This time ‘gingers’ were rounded up and beaten, they broke red stuff, looted red stores…oh, I don’t know!!!  I was too busy dying my hair black to get the details.  It doesn’t matter…there’s a new riot brewing now;

People just found out that their children are being raped and abused by priests…but they LOVE their religion.  I’m worried they might love it more than their children.  I have to get out of here before they start burning their children in the old city square.  This place is insane.  I was supposed to stay two more weeks but I really can’t take much more.  I’ve arranged for a flight out.  I leave tonight…wish me luck.

 ***This is a new short story I did, this week, for a new sci-fi/flash-fiction book I’m working on – with illustrations by John Allemand.  The working title is, “A Poke in the Eye.”  The image was originally a cover for the June, 2003 issue of Analog Magazine.  You can find our current books at www.sallemander.com (see the link above).   -Marsha

Sausage Fest

Willy arrived at the party with his friend Willy and his other friend Willy.  He was happy to be invited, he and his friends didn’t get many invites (they were kinda nerds) but it soon became apparent that this party would be another sausage fest.  The prospects looked pretty gloomy when he saw that everybody there was a ‘Willy’.  At least there was plenty of beer.  After a while he noticed the place getting really hot and humid.  There might as well have been flames licking up between the gratings in the floor…and all the Willies were getting some awkward, nasty looking tan lines – just like his – and they were drinking gallons of ice-cold beer to compensate for…

That’s when he realized…it was all a scam.  This was a…..BAR-BE-QUE!!!

***Happy Labor Day!  If you are a wealthy capitalist, today is a day of triumph.  You’ve won the class war that most people still don’t seem to realize already happened.  If you are a working person, don’t despair, sure the unions are mostly dead and your job is a shit-show, but from here there’s nowhere to go but up…HOORAY!!!  This is one from our “Body-Oddies” project, a craptastic journey through the rancid mind of my artist, John Allemand.  find and buy our books at www.sallemander.com.    -Marsha

Old Wives’ Tail

Old-wives-tail-44

Last night she came in through the bathroom window…the one up on the third floor.  At this point I’m too numb to be surprised.  Last week, before bed, she reached up to take her glasses off and her whole head came away.  She paid it no mind, just set it down on the nightstand next to her spittoon and went to sleep – I slept on the couch that night.

Three days ago she came home from a visit with her mother dragging a massive, spiked tail behind her as if nothing was amiss (talk about an old wives tail).  The dogs were pretty upset.  I spent the night ‘working’ in my office with a bottle of scotch and a joint.

So, the bathroom window thing last night was hardly a bother – and the mystery of how she managed the climb was solved when I noticed her folding leathery bat wings up under her coat.  What those long curly tusks could possibly be used for, I cannot guess…..but I think I’ll sleep out in the car tonight.

***This is a true story.  It happened to a guy I knew…well actually the next door neighbor of a second cousin, twice removed of my best friend’s cubicle mate’s mother-in-law (from her old job).  It’s really sad how people drift apart but its inevitable and sometimes we just have to adapt to the new paradigm.  This is another unofficial ‘red rough’ sketch from our upcoming book “Body-Oddies” which I’m forbidden to post…but what John (my illustrator) doesn’t know won’t kill him.  Find our books at www.sallemander.com    -Marsha

 

Handyman

handyman-image-06

Darryl woke up with that feeling again – impossible to describe but all too familiar at this point. He kept his eyes closed for a while longer, savoring the dream he was having about his old, normal life…before all the changes…before every morning became a horror show, wondering if he would find another growth.

He did his best to soothe his anxiety, tried to make lemonade out of the lemons that seemed to be smothering him.  After all, how could yet another, extra hand possibly be all that bad for a skilled craftsman who worked with his hands?  Each one seemed to have all his talent and strength.  His productivity tripled, he was making money hand-over-fist (no pun intended) and for the first time in his life, people found him “kinda” interesting…..

But…waking up every few days with another fully formed hand growing out of some empty patch of his flesh was really starting to effect his insanity.

***This was a tough image to pull out of John’s thick head, but with an iron skillet and a power drill I finally managed it (long story).  It comes from our new book project, “Body-Oddies,” now scheduled for publication in 2019.   -Marsha

Red State Blue State

red-state-blue-state-58-copyDemocrat?  Republican?  Who can fuckin’ tell?                                          Red state, Blue state?  Die and go to Hell!                                                    Argue ’bout it all you want, knock each other out.                                 ‘Right-Left’ bullshit ain’t what its about.

***All over the country (and especially social media) stupid people are still arguing over inane political ‘issues’.  Pull your heads out of your asses, we live in a broken, corporatized society.  It is broken on purpose.  It is the natural result of Capitalism.  It’s not about right vs. left, it’s about rich vs. poor.   We owe it to those who come after us to do more than just argue, pointlessly over ‘D’ or ‘R’ like “Good Germans”.  We owe it to them to get off our lazy asses and resist the corporate state…then get out, join a movement and rebel.  This page is from our first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.”  Find it by following the link above to www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha Mellow

She Tasted Like Blue

tasted-like-blue-57 All speckled and fuzzy, she tasted like blue                                                      with spiny black tendrils of yellowish goo.                                                         She dribbled and hissed in licorice throes                                                           and sang like a frog-apple shoved up her nose.                                               Shredded and pulpy and gnawing in heat                                                           while her farts were so pungently sweet.                                                            flailing in fancy with peppermint splashes,                                                        her mango-bat claws left slashes.                                                                             And when she was salty she prattled and leapt                                              and when she was orange she slept.                                                                        And when she was rancid, with droplets of dew,                                          she definitely tasted like blue.

***I didn’t write this drivel.  Even my artist, John, in all his bizarre idiocy couldn’t compose this kind of brilliant shat.  But, as I recall…I think it was the mutant tiger chick and her kinky prey who did it.  Well, read it again and try to find the clever hidden meaning to it – then buy my books (find them at www.sallemander.com).  John’s illustration was first licensed for use as the Jan/Feb 2009 cover for Analog Magazine, for a story by Rajnar Vajra (one of John’s favorite authors)  -Marsha