Tag Archives: streetart

Freaky Uncle

We never spoke about Uncle Dixon.  Our whole family tip-toed around the subject…but I could tell there were powerful feelings just under everybody’s skin.  He was a horrible pariah.  The black sheep of the family.

We kept him in a straitjacket in one of the padded cells in the catacombs below our cabin.  He was never allowed out in the light of day (lest one of the neighbors spot him), only after midnight on stormy nights and always chained, gagged, and bound in one of those psycho metal hockey mask get-ups.  He got wheeled around in a steel cage on a hand truck under constant, heavily armed guard.

Worst of all…he was never allowed to go wilding with the rest of the family, never allowed to invade homes, to rape and burn and shoot folks in the face with shotguns or dismember them with his best machete before skinning and roasting them on the barbeque for the family feast…how sad and dull.

I felt bad for him.  What possible meaning could his life have?  I always wondered what awful thing he could have done to deserve such punishment, until I overheard Pappa Ripper telling old cousin Head-Stomper that Dixon was a pacifist, an atheist and a…vegetarian (whatever that was) and worst of all, he had NEVER murdered a baby in his whole life… actually refused to do it!!  Eeeeew!  What a Freak!

***This image and short story can be found on p.68 of our new book, “A Short Burst” a collection of flash science fiction.  It is 100 pages, 9×9 inches in size and packed with 64 illustrations and 73 short, intense stories.  You can find it (and buy it) on Amazon, but it is cheaper and easier if you go to etsy.com (search EEWbooks or just use the link in my website, above) you’ll find all my other merch: stickers, postcards and greeting cards as well as our other 3 illustrated books.  -Marsha

A Short Burst

“A short burst, gentlemen.”  Hollered the sergeant in his sharpest parade ground voice.  “Earth-Force Command wants a clean kill…center body mass and head-shots only!”  ‘Yeah,’ I thought, ‘same as last time…same as always.’  “Stay SHARP!” the sergeant yelled, as if he knew I was daydreaming.  I marched forward in the firing line as we approached the village.

“Lock and load!” sergeant yelled.  We all knew THAT was coming next.  Sgt. Matador was a big fan of historic Viet-Nam war films and this planet’s name, Ping-Dang-Fee, inspired him.  In reality, our plasma rifles fired pure energy beams, no clumsy clips or shells, but he figured his bravado might inspire us to fight… he was wrong.  Conscripts of a corporatocracy have no patriotism.

This whole invasion had me deeply conflicted.  Our enemy, the Plast, were an intelligent people, far more civilized than us.  They had renounced technology and war and embraced peace after a long history of violence and greed – not unlike ours.  Earth Force Command told us they were horrible, violent terrorists like the American Indians, determined to stop our God-given right to progress.  We knew better…we knew the Company just wanted the minerals in the soil of Ping-Dang-Fee and had decided it would be cheaper to exterminate these intelligent ‘pests’ than negotiate and actually ‘pay’ for their resources.

“Hold your fire ’till we reach the outer piquet!” shouted the sergeant. We could see the enemy now.  They stood together, unarmed, shoulder to shoulder… men, women and children.  They were tall and elegant and looked like a cross between a tarantula and those adorable orangutans the aristocrats kept for pets…..and they were unarmed.

Sergeant ordered us to the ready.  “Steady…!” he bellowed.  We stood silent and still.  I felt sick.  I could see the shame on the faces of my fellows’ as they realized what we were about to do…again.

“AIMMMMMM…!”

Without thinking, I stepped forward – out of the ranks – and in full view of the regiment, I threw down my weapon…which rattled noisily when it hit the dirt.

The sergeant was up in my face in seconds, bellowing, screeching, ordering me back into line with veins popping and spittle flying…I wasn’t listening.

He went on furiously about duty and service, cowardice and treason….until another weapon rattled as it hit the dirt…and another, and another and he pulled his sidearm and put it to my head and threatened the entire regiment…..but it was too late.  There were thousands of plasma rifles in the dirt and more dropping by the minute…and there would be no massacre today.  And I wondered, while the sergeant yammered on, with his gun to my head, if he still believed all that bullshit he was selling… until he put his weapon to his own head and pulled the trigger…..answering my question.

There were some heavy clashes in the capital city at the outset of the mutiny; nasty house-to-house fighting…but it was mostly among the officer corps.  The common soldiers held back.  The Plast had our sixes; for a peaceful people they were pretty formidable when it counted.  Eventually, our little mutiny spread to every Earth-Force unit.  The second wave never fired a shot.  We heard later that the third wave refused to deploy entirely.

The Corporation was desperate to suppress this mutiny, they were losing battalion after battalion without a fight.  It was getting too expensive.  We expected them to pull back and nuke us from space…..but the bombs never fell.

***Our new book, “A Short Burst” is finally out…and this is the cover story.  The book is 100 pages with 73 short, flash-fiction sci-fi stories and 64 illustrations, most of the art originally published in Analog and Asimov’s Sci-Fi Magazines.  It is our 4th book and the best one yet.  It is available for sale at www.sallemander.com, Amazon, and etsy .com (search; EEWbooks).      -Marsha

Eyes In The Back Of Her Head

Mom always said she had eyes in the back of her head.  I always thought she was joking, but still, I never could get away with anything behind her back.  It was uncanny.  She was just really clever, right?  She KNEW me so well she could always tell what I was up to…..right?  WRONG!!

Yesterday she pulled me aside, angry that I tracked mud through her kitchen right behind her back and blamed my little sister for it.  She parted the neat bun of hair and curlers behind her ears to reveal a creepy set of eyes.  Wow! (did NOT see that coming) My knees gave out and I sat down hard in the puddle of mud on the floor.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, I saw a hairy nose there too…but when a bearded mouth opened wide and berated me with the colorful expletives of a drunken sailor at the volume of a drill sergeant on parade…well, let’s just say that I suddenly had more to mop off the floor than a muddy set of footprints.  (True story.)

***Another excerpt from our new book (our 4th book), “A Short Burst”…a collection of short, intense, flash science fiction.  Find (and buy) all our books at www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha 

Why the Long Face?

why-the-long-face-59-copy 

Last Wednesday a dude walked into the bar with a REALLY long face. The barkeep looked up and grinned.  I knew exactly what he was thinking.  He opened his mouth to say…..but thought better of it and simply asked, “What’ll ya have, pal?”  The horse, sitting at the end of the bar laughed hysterically.

***This is a rough sketch from what will be our 5th book, “Body-Oddies”…we’re hoping John will have the illustrations done by the first of the year, 2020, so we can have it out for sale by spring.  Find all our books at www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha

Worst Day of My Life

“Worse day of my life…” began the hairy stranger at the bar, “…the day I lost my HEAD!” He stared at me oddly, chuckling. His words hung in the air for a while as I wondered who the heck he was and why he was chatting me up. There was something ‘off’ about him that I just couldn’t put my finger on, and he sounded absurd!  “What?!” I asked, a little annoyed. “Yeah!” he continued, “It just tumbled off and rolled away. I couldn’t find it for a YEAR!” ‘How ridiculous’ I thought – but then, I remembered hearing about that sort of thing happening more and more these days. “I found it conjoined with some other dude’s left hand like a circus freak-show exhibit …awkward!”

I reached for my beer glass but knocked it over with the empty stump of my wrist. The stranger grinned at me and chuckled again knowingly. It seems that both my hands had quietly popped off and were crawling down the bar toward the attractive woman in the breasty, low cut blouse at the end…the one I was too shy to approach earlier. I didn’t know what they planned but I could just imagine what MY brainless hands might like to do with HER. That’s when I noticed the stranger’s collar – bolted tightly ‘round his neck. It looked positively medieval but locked his wayward head soundly to his torso. ‘How clever?!’ I thought.

The barkeep wiped up my spilled beer with a lovely pair of shapely, ladies arms –which did NOT match the rest of his otherwise burly, tattooed frame. He caught me staring but shrugged and nodded me in the direction of my hands as they broke into a run…..while the woman’s breasts leapt out of her blouse and took off in opposite directions.

***This image and story is featured on page 38 in our new book, “A Short Burst” which is available soon.  To see (and buy) all our books, just follow the link above to www.sallemander.com.  -Marsha

Clown Parts

     Clowns Are Nuts and leave them in gooey, nasty, sacks everywhere they go.  Clowns shed nuts faster than toenails, which survive infancy more often than those spawned in poop, booger, zit, earwax, sweat, spit and severing.  The hardiest of the species seem to come from the squashy, croquet-ball-sized nut, laid like an egg by an infected gazelle.  People who find them often feel compelled to decorate them like fancy easter eggs.  Some folks mistake them for gob-stoppers.

Clowns who leave their severed parts lying about often discover an unexpected bundle of joy.  They know they can re-grow missing bits but forget that their parts can also regenerate.  Sometimes they grow to be identical twins……or worse.

I’m reminded of a secret experiment conducted by the government, about a decade ago in Yonkers, in which clown parts were surgically transplanted onto human subjects (volunteer convicts) to test their possible military applications.

It all went bad from the outset.  Each of the dissected clowns expired as soon as his various nose, hands or wiener was removed but worse, all thirteen human (victims) recipients went immediately bonkers, breaking out of their holding pens in a fiendish dancing frenzy.  Most didn’t survive the week, gorging themselves on fast food,

***These are the elements that comprise page 39 of our brilliant book, “Bludgeon the Clown.”  Everything in it is absolutely true and exhaustively researched.  All our books can be found (to buy) at www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha 

Can’t Take It With You

We stood at the intersection looking down at my body, hit by a bus.  How ridiculous!  After all the times I stopped people on their phone gadgets from walking into traffic…and now this?  I must have been daydreaming.  What an idiot!

Cars were still swishing through the scene while a small crowd of cynical bystanders gathered to make snarky comments in hushed voices.  The police arrived to push the crowd away and redirect traffic.  One of them walked right through me…ugh!  Weird!!  I shuddered. My companion grinned.

I felt regret.  It was a good body.  I’d kept it fit and healthy, not too bad looking either, but now it was mangled and broken.  There were scattered bits of gristle and a thick dark liquid splashed across the asphalt.  One of my eyes hung down my cheek by a thread and my skull was split wide open like a busted watermelon.  Hmmm, I always wondered what my own brains looked like.  Eeeeeew!!!

My companion stepped over to me with a ‘we should go soon’ nudge.  I must say, for a scythe wielding hippie weirdo in a medieval bathrobe, he seemed like a decent chap.  He was kind enough to give me time to adjust.  Finally, with a friendly clap on the shoulder he hissed, “Come along, son.  You can’t take it with you.”  We turned away and began walking off into the ether.

“Hey Grim!” I said, “You think I’ll come back as a sea slug or a tapeworm?  I hope not…maybe I could be a hockey puck!  Yeah!  That’s where all the action is…”  He shook his head and rolled his eye sockets.  “Hey, can you introduce me to Jesus?  No…ELVIS!!! Yeaaaah!”

***This combination of spot-image and story is featured on page 6 of our new book, “A Short Burst.”  It is flash science fiction, which makes it very short and intense for people who have very little time, and is quite satisfying.  It will be available to buy very soon at www.sallemander.com.  Meanwhile, feel free to check out our first 3 books: www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha 

 

Disarmament

 

The disarmament was epic.  Everyone embraced the idea…until it was over.  Then there was no way to…embrace.  The last ones needed to be pretty clever to get it done, but by then, starvation and disease was already setting in.  People really hadn’t thought it through.  It was bad enough that they could no longer feed themselves or drive…or text, but reality finally dawned when they started to defecate in their trousers.  They certainly couldn’t embrace anything, or each other, without arms.  And all those millions of disembodied arms lying about, decomposing in piles everywhere, led to all sorts of nasty airborne and waterborne illness.  What a disaster!

When the aliens landed to study our dead culture a few years later, the sheer stupidity of it shocked them into insanity.  They evacuated immediately, nuked the Earth from space, and made sure to purge it’s existence from galactic memory, lest it infect others. And all who came into contact were euthanized for safety.

***This is a new story with a new image for our new book, “A Short Burst.”  I should have advance copies to sell soon, meanwhile, you can find my first 3 books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com.   -Marsha

There Must Be Some Mistake

 

The atmosphere in the ballroom went positively rancid the moment I walked in.  People stopped dancing mid-step.  The band struck a sour chord and shambled into silence.  Drinks spilled.  A waiter dropped a tray of dishes with a loud, lingering clatter.  A woman fainted, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

Everyone in the place turned to look at me as if I had two heads.  Something was ‘off’ about these people; I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

The groom, looking quite put out, detached himself from his bride and strolled elegantly toward me, the tails of his tuxedo brushing the onlookers as they parted to let him through.  He handed me a scrap of paper with the neatly written words: “There must be some mistake” and gestured to a banner over the dais which read: “Congratulations to Headless Charlie and Sue the Body!”

That’s when I realized that it wasn’t my two heads that disturbed them…it was that I was the only freak in the room who had any head at all.

How embarrassing!

***Our new book – our 4th book – is nearly done.  It is literally being printed now.  The title is, “A Short Burst” a collection of flash science fiction.  This story and image come from page 12.  Most of what you find in this blog is a light dusting of what you’ll find in our books.  Follow the links above to www.sallemander.com to buy them.   -Marsha

Bladder the Clown

Bladder the Clown had really bad aim,                                                              though he did his best to foil it,                                                                              the bottle of booze he guzzled each day                                                            would give him the shakes and spoil it.                                                            He tried once or twice                                                                                                  to widen his stance                                                                                                       and hold his dick really tight,                                                                                    but doused his shoes                                                                                                      and sprinkled his pants                                                                                                    and still couldn’t hit the toilet.

***We’re breaking all the rules this week by posting a political one.  Yeah!  This one’s political, specially picked for early July.  What…you don’t get it?  That’s okay, its a tricky one.  Leave me an angry comment if you get it.  I hope you didn’t blow your friggin’ hands off playing with fireworks.  This is an image and poem that didn’t make it into “Bludgeon the Clown”…so this is probably the last time you’ll ever see it.  Farewell Bladder.  -Marsha