Tag Archives: flash fiction

Winter Weather Advisory

thesanta-64It was June and sunny.  The first sunny day he’d seen in months.  Standing atop a 60 foot snow drift, Santa surveyed the landscape of Death Valley, Nevada. This was no way to spend his vacation.  Where were the buzzards and the fire ants?  Where were the salt flats and sand dunes?  This place looked too much like home this year…how awful!

Well, what did he expect?  This is where things like consumerism, waste, greed and stupidity get you – and he had to admit, he played his part.  Ever since they hired him to sell capitalism to the huddled masses, back in the 30’s and 40’s…..a snowpocalypse was inevitable.  Mother Nature swings like a sassy pendulum, knocking the idiots aside with the good ones.  Maybe the random survivors will come through smarter and better this time…but he doubted it.  Oh well, he still had to find sunscreen for Mrs. Clause or she’d have his head.

He got back into his sleigh and flew off in search of a frozen supermarket, hoping the looters left some Twinkies…or some milk duds…

THE SANTA: Arguably the greatest Christian icon in history, he is also the hardest fellow to meet.  When I flew to the North Pole for an interview I found nothing there but a giant peppermint flavored pole…and simply planning to intercept his holiday flight got me an angry visit from Homeland Security (again). Frankly, I couldn’t confirm he existed at all (I was crushed).  Yet somehow, he still manages to deliver the most fabulous gifts, each year, to the most affluent and entitled children in the world, (poor children are obviously “BAD”)…..maybe its just as well I didn’t meet this clown.  -Marsha

Doug the Slug

Doug the Slug-77 

Doug felt sluggish sitting through another mind numbing meeting.  Boring people – like him, in boring suits – like his, sat around the conference room table giving boring briefs on their departments.  Doug’s section had nothing to report, he was only there to fill his boss’ seat while he was off golfing.  They droned on and on like lazy bees;  “Turn to page 68 and review diagram 123g…” and “good news in marketing assessment accounts payable, see the bar graph in addendum 6…” and Doug was too hyped up on caffeine to fall asleep like Bob from Legal.

Then…..he had a funny feeling.  Not a laugh out loud feeling – a strange, funny feeling…and the last thing he heard before it all went sideways was another inane comment from Alice, the CFO;  “…and sales were sluggish again last week…” and POW!!

A drip formed on the tip of Doug’s nose and slid off onto his tie, which he noticed was already flowing like liquid into his lap.  He watched as his fingers dissolved into sludge and his hands turn to pulp.  He felt his hair and eyebrows melt, his skin go flubbery and sag and finally his whole head collapse into an eggy mess down his torso before everything sploshed down into a viscous puddle of goo around his shoes (which didn’t take part in the transformation for some reason).

Funny thing is, he doubted that anybody in the meeting even noticed what had happened.  Perhaps everyone there was melting like him…but he doubted it…he could still hear Alice droning and Bob snoring.

***I think melting in meetings was the best part of working in corporate America, surpassed only by exploding like a hamster in a microwave, just to see the mess all over everybody’s boring suits.  This image is from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown” which you can find, with all our books, at www.sallemander.com  -Marsha  

Slack Jaw

slackjaw-50     Father Rodriguez Domingo Emanuel Castillo stood on the dais before his congregation at Sunday mass, slack jawed and silent – as if in a trance. Everyone was (respectfully) baffled as he committed his minor, weekly spectacle.  Intense prayers hissed through humid air, a mumbled chanting, eyes lolling, bodies swaying, swooning and barfing in awe as his lips and cheeks slackened and the agonizing minutes passed.  A thick silence fell as  his melting jaw splashed into a dribbley puddle at their feet.  Nobody moved or said anything… everyone just stared, stupidly…because it must be a miracle… right?

***I love religion, such a rich source of popular entertainment, so irrational and blind.  Someday, humans may become civilized enough to remember it fondly…like wearing diapers and learning to eat with a fork…if we survive the religion of Capitalism.  Meanwhile, you can find our books at www.sallemander.com.  Next weekend we will be at Philcon, The Philadelphia Sci-fi convention.  Come find us under the EEW Books banner.    -Marsha

Making Speech

making-speech-54      Oh no!  What are they doing?  Are they going to talk now or…?   Oh god!  They’re about to make…..”SPEECH!”  Oh, eeeeeew, its all over the podium, it even smells like speech.

Every time these political types get up in front of people, they speech and they speech and they speech, incessantly.  Its the worst, the nastiest – sloppiest speech you ever heard.  Like a big steaming pile of drunken speech stumbling about, speeching its filth everywhere.

Oh well, I guess its a sign of the times…but just look at the crowd gathering, its sickening – and they love it.  Ooooh, now they’re spraying the stage with raw speech, projecting hot, sleazy speech all over everybody…..as they bath in it with relish.  Oh, the humanity!  And no matter how I try to avoid it, I end up covered in it too.  It spatters my shoes, my clothes and gushes painfully from my ears.

I thought it might be different this time around.  I thought we all might have a good healthy discussion like civilized people…..but all we got is more “speech”.

***Was that another clusterfuck debate?  Is there ANY intelligent person willing to vote for one of those assholes?  My god…we are soooooo screwed…..  Meanwhile, this image is from our wonderful coloring book, which you can buy on our EEWbooks Etsy store/site, OR just use the link above to: www.sallemander.com   -Marsha

Open Mike

open-mike-63 Mike stood on stage in the spotlight…..terrified. But, something about it seemed to be working for him.  They probably found his trembling voice charming as he spoke sincerely about his life…his completely bizarre, absolutely strange, totally unlikely life…and the cynical way it came across.  The crowd laughed at the tragic death of his wife in a mundane laundry incident.  They howled at how the wind blew her ashes into everybody’s mouth at the funeral.   And the five-day-old lasagna in a broken fridge, causing a vivid conversation with Lucifer, left them in stitches.  Every word he spoke, every glib anecdote, felt like a hole being ripped open in his soul, allowing his demons to spill out – only to be consumed and obliterated in the laughter of the audience…and when it was over…Mike stood open and bloody and spent and…..completely relieved.  It was better than therapy, better than liquor or sex or CHOCOLATE.  And he walked off stage to a standing ovation feeling light as a feather.

***This post is an illustration from our ‘Body-Oddies’ book project and is available as an original art print at the Conventions and Book Fests we attend.  The book is not scheduled for publication until 2019.  You can, however, find our 3 current books at www.sallemander.com or search ‘EEW Books’ at Etsy.com and Amazon.com.  The holidays are coming.  They make a great gift.  -Marsha 

Splitting Headache

Splitting Headache-69 

Hey!… Do you remember that thing? You know…that THING??  Oh, you remember.  We saw it the other day when we were doing the other thing…..what’s-is face was there.  Oh, you know who I mean, the one from… oh gosh…from over yonder with the thing-ummy-thing on his who’s-is-what’s-it?…And we laughed and laughed about it the whole time?  But he wasn’t so amused.  He took the issue up with…oh, you know who, the one at the place…..um, the place right next door to the other MAIN place?  And she went totally ballistic about everything, especially that one thing…..but not the thing I’m talking about.  I meant the OTHER thing.  Yeah!  The thing with the thing-a-ma-jig…Yes!!!  You know the thing!  UGH!!!  I seem to forget EVERY thing…but I definitely remember THAT!

***This conversation isn’t all that unusual. It happens more often than I’d care to admit.  What amazes me is how often we completely understand each other whenever we do…..whoever it is.  -Marsha 

It’s All Speculation

Herbert had been prone to rashes since he was a kid.  He caught them all – like a rash magnet…it was inexplicable.  He had at least three rashes on any given day of his life.  As a sickly nerd, he never had friends…..so how the heck did he get chicken pox?  He never had sex, so where did he get crabs?  Hell, he had rashes no one ever heard of.  He was a spotty, itchy, miserable pariah (though he was a delight to his dermatologist).

Anyway, when the ‘Speckles’ showed up, Herbert was neither surprised nor alarmed…but when they became an infestation, weird stuff started happening.  All his old rashes now had a rash of their own.  The Speckles definitely did not respect other rashes’ turf.  His chicken pox grew feathers and beaks, his goose bumps grew long necks and started nipping and spitting at other rashes and his scarlet fever?…WOW!… well…lets just say that when she reached puberty…things got REALLY awkward.

The Speckles went on to occupy every inch of Herbert and ousted all his other rashes – which would have been good except that each Speckle became enormous, grew a face and took on a personality of its own.  They started talking amongst themselves – argued with each other constantly (about religion and politics, ugh!)  and sang bawdy songs at all hours.  It made things quite uncomfortable for Herbert, though not as bad as the realization that they’d become stronger, smarter and cooler than him.  It wasn’t long before Herbert diminished completely into the shadow of his own brilliant speculations…

***Oh, how this reminds me of my teenage years…though my speckles were quite amiable and we were into the same music.  This image comes from our “Creepy Clowns Coloring Book.”  You can find all our books at www.sallemander.com   -Marsha

Constant Craving

constant craving-13

“Constant gravy!?…did he say constant gravy?” but everyone was already busy writing and the professor’s response was garbled…but sure, constant gravy seemed right.  I was feeling pretty woozy since I cut myself shaving earlier and couldn’t make it stop bleeding.  It just gushed, thick and goopy…yeah, constant gravy…coool!

What began as a simple nick under my nose, got worse a few minutes later when blood started running down my cheek.  An hour later, it was dripping copiously.  In two hours it was a steady flow and by lunchtime I was squirting all over the place, soaking my clothes, the furniture and the walls and it was impossible to concentrate as the room kept spinning faster and faster…..

I must have spaced out for a while because when I woke, the stuff leaking out was no longer red.  Thankfully it was just cheese wizz leaking from the push nozzle on my head.  What?!…don’t you have a nozzle?…and what’s so weird about that?  Best of all, the harder I pumped the thicker it flowed…aaaaah, pretty…..

I must have spaced out for a while but was relieved to see that I wasn’t bleeding any more and it was actually gravy all along…and doesn’t everybody get their gravy from a cut on their face?  My gravy was really warm and rich, mmmmmmmm.  It was bluish green with vermillion streaks and had delightful lumps of darkish mauve.  Clear waxy bits of rice and corn changed into garbanzos and back.  There were gangly chunks of chicken and potatoes with a sprinkling of cayan pepper fins, oregano claws and ground curry scales.  Carrots, onions and celery swam serenely with a school of minced garlic on the aroma of steamed guacamole tails…oooooh!  I love a good stew with gravy, especially when I’m feeling so limp and cold…Just the thing to pick me up…..

I must have spaced out…what was I saying?…..

***This really happened.  It’s lucky that John got a good sketch of this guy at the writing workshop before things went sideways.  This post is an illustration from our BODY-ODDIES book, whose publication was just bumped to next year.  EEW Books decided to give John (the illustrator) more time to do a better quality job.  It’s a little weird, I never worked with a company who cared about quality or had any discernable integrity…  In the meantime, I am finishing up on an illustrated sci-fi/flash-fiction book, to be published first – this year.  You can find all of our current books at www.sallemander.com.   -Marsha

The Old City Square

Vacation: Day 1

Arrived in the city okay, it was an easy flight.  I booked a little Bed & Breakfast right off the central square, in the old part of the city.  It’s as beautiful as the pictures.  I love the architecture…but I seem to have arrived in the aftermath of some kind of protest or riot or something.  There were broken windows, burning debris and overturned cars.  I also saw injured people being carried away.  But…it was all cleared up in no time and the old city returned to its colorful, medieval charm.  I love the costumes they dress up in for the tourists.  Excited to begin exploring this place.

 

Vacation:  Day 3

There was a riot in the old city square again.  It was very scary…and exhilarating!  I had met some of the locals while shopping.  They seemed nice enough but looked suspiciously at me, as a foreigner, and were wound up waaaay too tight.  Events in the news had people on edge, but I managed to piece it together from gossip;

I seems they had a popular athlete who used his fame and fortune to protest the discrimination of his own minority (brown skinned) culture.  I noticed how they treated brown people in my brief interactions, so far, despite being the same species.  There had already been several ugly riots…not to end the injustice, but to keep the status quo, so people could enjoy their sports without feeling uncomfortable.  They smashed and looted brown skinned people’s businesses and burned the athlete’s swag and effigy in the old city square.  It sounded ridiculous…

This time people were upset because a prominent shoe company hired the same athlete to advertise their brand.  A little research showed that the company used child slave labor in their factories…but that didn’t bother people.  They just hated the brown people protesting.  The government and the wealthy used the media to whip everyone up into a frenzy…and they rioted.

People smashed and looted and gathered up all their shoes and burned them in the old city square.  This place is weird.

 

Vacation:  Day 6

There was another riot today.  No sooner had things settled down and I was able to get out to enjoy the city again, when new rumblings of trouble began among the locals.  This time it was political.  It took me about an hour of research to get the measure of their incredibly broken economic and political system;

So…the city’s last big election featured two grossly incompetent candidates.  The numerous crimes and scandals of the winner were already rich fodder for regular riots…but this time (with the help of elitist propaganda), instead of demonizing the source of uncomfortable information (as usual), they stirred people up against the press, the messengers of all the embarrassing and dangerous news.  Once whipped into a proper froth, the rioters smashed and looted, rounding up journalists and writers, beating them bloody and burning all the books and newspapers in the old city square…they also burned down the city library.

It’s too bad, it was a gorgeous building and some of their literature was extraordinary.

 

Vacation:  Day 10

I spent the last few days locked in my room.  The city wasn’t safe.  There was a minor riot yesterday, something about red haired people seemed to provoke a spontaneous fracas.  They’re happening more and more frequently.  This time ‘gingers’ were rounded up and beaten, they broke red stuff, looted red stores…oh, I don’t know!!!  I was too busy dying my hair black to get the details.  It doesn’t matter…there’s a new riot brewing now;

People just found out that their children are being raped and abused by priests…but they LOVE their religion.  I’m worried they might love it more than their children.  I have to get out of here before they start burning their children in the old city square.  This place is insane.  I was supposed to stay two more weeks but I really can’t take much more.  I’ve arranged for a flight out.  I leave tonight…wish me luck.

 ***This is a new short story I did, this week, for a new sci-fi/flash-fiction book I’m working on – with illustrations by John Allemand.  The working title is, “A Poke in the Eye.”  The image was originally a cover for the June, 2003 issue of Analog Magazine.  You can find our current books at www.sallemander.com (see the link above).   -Marsha

Sausage Fest

Willy arrived at the party with his friend Willy and his other friend Willy.  He was happy to be invited, he and his friends didn’t get many invites (they were kinda nerds) but it soon became apparent that this party would be another sausage fest.  The prospects looked pretty gloomy when he saw that everybody there was a ‘Willy’.  At least there was plenty of beer.  After a while he noticed the place getting really hot and humid.  There might as well have been flames licking up between the gratings in the floor…and all the Willies were getting some awkward, nasty looking tan lines – just like his – and they were drinking gallons of ice-cold beer to compensate for…

That’s when he realized…it was all a scam.  This was a…..BAR-BE-QUE!!!

***Happy Labor Day!  If you are a wealthy capitalist, today is a day of triumph.  You’ve won the class war that most people still don’t seem to realize already happened.  If you are a working person, don’t despair, sure the unions are mostly dead and your job is a shit-show, but from here there’s nowhere to go but up…HOORAY!!!  This is one from our “Body-Oddies” project, a craptastic journey through the rancid mind of my artist, John Allemand.  find and buy our books at www.sallemander.com.    -Marsha