Doug the Slug

November 19, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Doug felt sluggish sitting through another mind numbing meeting. Boring people – like him, in boring suits – like his, sat around the conference room table giving boring briefs on their departments. Doug’s section had nothing to report, he was only there to fill his boss’ seat while he was off golfing. They droned on and on like lazy bees; “Turn to page 68 and review diagram 123g…” and “good news in marketing assessment accounts payable, see the bar graph in addendum 6…” and Doug was too hyped up on caffeine to fall asleep like Bob from Legal.

Then…..he had a funny feeling. Not a laugh out loud feeling – a strange, funny feeling…and the last thing he heard before it all went sideways was another inane comment from Alice, the CFO; “…and sales were sluggish again last week…” and POW!!

A drip formed on the tip of Doug’s nose and slid off onto his tie, which he noticed was already flowing like liquid into his lap. He watched as his fingers dissolved into sludge and his hands turn to pulp. He felt his hair and eyebrows melt, his skin go flubbery and sag and finally his whole head collapse into an eggy mess down his torso before everything sploshed down into a viscous puddle of goo around his shoes (which didn’t take part in the transformation for some reason).

Funny thing is, he doubted that anybody in the meeting even noticed what had happened. Perhaps everyone there was melting like him…but he doubted it…he could still hear Alice droning and Bob snoring.

***I think melting in meetings was the best part of working in corporate America, surpassed only by exploding like a hamster in a microwave, just to see the mess all over everybody’s boring suits. This image is from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown” which you can find, with all our books, at www.sallemander.com -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction

Slack Jaw

November 12, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Father Rodriguez Domingo Emanuel Castillo stood on the dais before his congregation at Sunday mass, slack jawed and silent – as if in a trance. Everyone was (respectfully) baffled as he committed his minor, weekly spectacle. Intense prayers hissed through humid air, a mumbled chanting, eyes lolling, bodies swaying, swooning and barfing in awe as his lips and cheeks slackened and the agonizing minutes passed. A thick silence fell as his melting jaw splashed into a dribbley puddle at their feet. Nobody moved or said anything… everyone just stared, stupidly…because it must be a miracle… right?

***I love religion, such a rich source of popular entertainment, so irrational and blind. Someday, humans may become civilized enough to remember it fondly…like wearing diapers and learning to eat with a fork…if we survive the religion of Capitalism. Meanwhile, you can find our books at www.sallemander.com. Next weekend we will be at Philcon, The Philadelphia Sci-fi convention. Come find us under the EEW Books banner. -Marsha

Clowns, Political

Uncle Sammy the Clown

November 5, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Sammy the Clown thought he could fly so he threw himself off the roof and flapped his arms for eighty-nine floors ‘fore he realized his tragic goof.

***Even if Uncle Sammy here is only an inch or two off the ground it will still be a painful, messy landing. There isn’t much more to say about American politics today…except that we do real Clowns a disservice by associating them with politicians. It taints their integrity. This is a page from our book, ‘Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks’. You can find all our books at; www.sallemander.com -Marsha

Flash Fiction, Political

Making Speech

October 29, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Oh no! What are they doing? Are they going to talk now or…? Oh god! They’re about to make…..”SPEECH!” Oh, eeeeeew, its all over the podium, it even smells like speech.

Every time these political types get up in front of people, they speech and they speech and they speech, incessantly. Its the worst, the nastiest – sloppiest speech you ever heard. Like a big steaming pile of drunken speech stumbling about, speeching its filth everywhere.

Oh well, I guess its a sign of the times…but just look at the crowd gathering, its sickening – and they love it. Ooooh, now they’re spraying the stage with raw speech, projecting hot, sleazy speech all over everybody…..as they bath in it with relish. Oh, the humanity! And no matter how I try to avoid it, I end up covered in it too. It spatters my shoes, my clothes and gushes painfully from my ears.

I thought it might be different this time around. I thought we all might have a good healthy discussion like civilized people…..but all we got is more “speech”.

***Was that another clusterfuck debate? Is there ANY intelligent person willing to vote for one of those assholes? My god…we are soooooo screwed….. Meanwhile, this image is from our wonderful coloring book, which you can buy on our EEWbooks Etsy store/site, OR just use the link above to: www.sallemander.com -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction

Open Mike

October 22, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Mike stood on stage in the spotlight…..terrified. But, something about it seemed to be working for him. They probably found his trembling voice charming as he spoke sincerely about his life…his completely bizarre, absolutely strange, totally unlikely life…and the cynical way it came across. The crowd laughed at the tragic death of his wife in a mundane laundry incident. They howled at how the wind blew her ashes into everybody’s mouth at the funeral. And the five-day-old lasagna in a broken fridge, causing a vivid conversation with Lucifer, left them in stitches. Every word he spoke, every glib anecdote, felt like a hole being ripped open in his soul, allowing his demons to spill out – only to be consumed and obliterated in the laughter of the audience…and when it was over…Mike stood open and bloody and spent and…..completely relieved. It was better than therapy, better than liquor or sex or CHOCOLATE. And he walked off stage to a standing ovation feeling light as a feather.

***This post is an illustration from our ‘Body-Oddies’ book project and is available as an original art print at the Conventions and Book Fests we attend. The book is not scheduled for publication until 2019. You can, however, find our 3 current books at www.sallemander.com or search ‘EEW Books’ at Etsy.com and Amazon.com. The holidays are coming. They make a great gift. -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction, fragment

Splitting Headache

October 15, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Hey!… Do you remember that thing? You know…that THING?? Oh, you remember. We saw it the other day when we were doing the other thing…..what’s-is face was there. Oh, you know who I mean, the one from… oh gosh…from over yonder with the thing-ummy-thing on his who’s-is-what’s-it?…And we laughed and laughed about it the whole time? But he wasn’t so amused. He took the issue up with…oh, you know who, the one at the place…..um, the place right next door to the other MAIN place? And she went totally ballistic about everything, especially that one thing…..but not the thing I’m talking about. I meant the OTHER thing. Yeah! The thing with the thing-a-ma-jig…Yes!!! You know the thing! UGH!!! I seem to forget EVERY thing…but I definitely remember THAT!

***This conversation isn’t all that unusual. It happens more often than I’d care to admit. What amazes me is how often we completely understand each other whenever we do…..whoever it is. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Fritz the Clown

October 8, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

There once was a clown named Fritz with a festering face full of zits. They filled up with goo ’till they finally blew in a fountain of putrefied bits.

This image and poem was published in our “Bludgeon the Clown” book, in the chapter on ‘procreation and birth’…yeah, it’s as fascinating as it is factual. You need to read it. John (my illustrator) and I finished our 3 year, Comic Con experiment in September. We discovered that although they’re a lot of fun, they are a shit-show for anyone trying to sell or promote ORIGINAL concepts in art and publishing…if you aren’t trying to exploit somebody elses’ creative work. They are a hive of bootleggers, thieves and hacks – and the knuckle-dragging fans who don’t give a shit what kind of crap they buy, as long as it has their batman or blue-haired anime chick in it. You can find my original concept art and books and buy them at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction

It’s All Speculation

October 1, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Herbert had been prone to rashes since he was a kid. He caught them all – like a rash magnet…it was inexplicable. He had at least three rashes on any given day of his life. As a sickly nerd, he never had friends…..so how the heck did he get chicken pox? He never had sex, so where did he get crabs? Hell, he had rashes no one ever heard of. He was a spotty, itchy, miserable pariah (though he was a delight to his dermatologist).

Anyway, when the ‘Speckles’ showed up, Herbert was neither surprised nor alarmed…but when they became an infestation, weird stuff started happening. All his old rashes now had a rash of their own. The Speckles definitely did not respect other rashes’ turf. His chicken pox grew feathers and beaks, his goose bumps grew long necks and started nipping and spitting at other rashes and his scarlet fever?…WOW!… well…lets just say that when she reached puberty…things got REALLY awkward.

The Speckles went on to occupy every inch of Herbert and ousted all his other rashes – which would have been good except that each Speckle became enormous, grew a face and took on a personality of its own. They started talking amongst themselves – argued with each other constantly (about religion and politics, ugh!) and sang bawdy songs at all hours. It made things quite uncomfortable for Herbert, though not as bad as the realization that they’d become stronger, smarter and cooler than him. It wasn’t long before Herbert diminished completely into the shadow of his own brilliant speculations…

***Oh, how this reminds me of my teenage years…though my speckles were quite amiable and we were into the same music. This image comes from our “Creepy Clowns Coloring Book.” You can find all our books at www.sallemander.com -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction

Constant Craving

September 24, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

“Constant gravy!?…did he say constant gravy?” but everyone was already busy writing and the professor’s response was garbled…but sure, constant gravy seemed right. I was feeling pretty woozy since I cut myself shaving earlier and couldn’t make it stop bleeding. It just gushed, thick and goopy…yeah, constant gravy…coool!

What began as a simple nick under my nose, got worse a few minutes later when blood started running down my cheek. An hour later, it was dripping copiously. In two hours it was a steady flow and by lunchtime I was squirting all over the place, soaking my clothes, the furniture and the walls and it was impossible to concentrate as the room kept spinning faster and faster…..

I must have spaced out for a while because when I woke, the stuff leaking out was no longer red. Thankfully it was just cheese wizz leaking from the push nozzle on my head. What?!…don’t you have a nozzle?…and what’s so weird about that? Best of all, the harder I pumped the thicker it flowed…aaaaah, pretty…..

I must have spaced out for a while but was relieved to see that I wasn’t bleeding any more and it was actually gravy all along…and doesn’t everybody get their gravy from a cut on their face? My gravy was really warm and rich, mmmmmmmm. It was bluish green with vermillion streaks and had delightful lumps of darkish mauve. Clear waxy bits of rice and corn changed into garbanzos and back. There were gangly chunks of chicken and potatoes with a sprinkling of cayan pepper fins, oregano claws and ground curry scales. Carrots, onions and celery swam serenely with a school of minced garlic on the aroma of steamed guacamole tails…oooooh! I love a good stew with gravy, especially when I’m feeling so limp and cold…Just the thing to pick me up…..

I must have spaced out…what was I saying?…..

***This really happened. It’s lucky that John got a good sketch of this guy at the writing workshop before things went sideways. This post is an illustration from our BODY-ODDIES book, whose publication was just bumped to next year. EEW Books decided to give John (the illustrator) more time to do a better quality job. It’s a little weird, I never worked with a company who cared about quality or had any discernable integrity… In the meantime, I am finishing up on an illustrated sci-fi/flash-fiction book, to be published first – this year. You can find all of our current books at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Freaks

Birth of a Clown

September 17, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Birth of a Clown-47 The birth of a Clown is a sacred thing. A blessed and joyous day. So pinch your nose and light a match and try not to flush it away.

***They say “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar” – but even more with poop. This is a page from our first book, “Blue-ish Freaks.” Find all our books at www.sallemander.com or follow the links above. -Marsha