Category Archives: Book Exerpt

Can’t Take It With You

July 29, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

We stood at the intersection looking down at my body, hit by a bus. How ridiculous! After all the times I stopped people on their phone gadgets from walking into traffic…and now this? I must have been daydreaming. What an idiot!

Cars were still swishing through the scene while a small crowd of cynical bystanders gathered to make snarky comments in hushed voices. The police arrived to push the crowd away and redirect traffic. One of them walked right through me…ugh! Weird!! I shuddered. My companion grinned.

I felt regret. It was a good body. I’d kept it fit and healthy, not too bad looking either, but now it was mangled and broken. There were scattered bits of gristle and a thick dark liquid splashed across the asphalt. One of my eyes hung down my cheek by a thread and my skull was split wide open like a busted watermelon. Hmmm, I always wondered what my own brains looked like. Eeeeeew!!!

My companion stepped over to me with a ‘we should go soon’ nudge. I must say, for a scythe wielding hippie weirdo in a medieval bathrobe, he seemed like a decent chap. He was kind enough to give me time to adjust. Finally, with a friendly clap on the shoulder he hissed, “Come along, son. You can’t take it with you.” We turned away and began walking off into the ether.

“Hey Grim!” I said, “You think I’ll come back as a sea slug or a tapeworm? I hope not…maybe I could be a hockey puck! Yeah! That’s where all the action is…” He shook his head and rolled his eye sockets. “Hey, can you introduce me to Jesus? No…ELVIS!!! Yeaaaah!”

***This combination of spot-image and story is featured on page 6 of our new book, “A Short Burst.” It is flash science fiction, which makes it very short and intense for people who have very little time, and is quite satisfying. It will be available to buy very soon at www.sallemander.com. Meanwhile, feel free to check out our first 3 books: www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Flash Fiction, Sci-Fi

Disarmament

July 22, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The disarmament was epic. Everyone embraced the idea…until it was over. Then there was no way to…embrace. The last ones needed to be pretty clever to get it done, but by then, starvation and disease was already setting in. People really hadn’t thought it through. It was bad enough that they could no longer feed themselves or drive…or text, but reality finally dawned when they started to defecate in their trousers. They certainly couldn’t embrace anything, or each other, without arms. And all those millions of disembodied arms lying about, decomposing in piles everywhere, led to all sorts of nasty airborne and waterborne illness. What a disaster!

When the aliens landed to study our dead culture a few years later, the sheer stupidity of it shocked them into insanity. They evacuated immediately, nuked the Earth from space, and made sure to purge it’s existence from galactic memory, lest it infect others. And all who came into contact were euthanized for safety.

***This is a new story with a new image for our new book, “A Short Burst.” I should have advance copies to sell soon, meanwhile, you can find my first 3 books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Flash Fiction, Sci-Fi

There Must Be Some Mistake

July 15, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The atmosphere in the ballroom went positively rancid the moment I walked in. People stopped dancing mid-step. The band struck a sour chord and shambled into silence. Drinks spilled. A waiter dropped a tray of dishes with a loud, lingering clatter. A woman fainted, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

Everyone in the place turned to look at me as if I had two heads. Something was ‘off’ about these people; I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

The groom, looking quite put out, detached himself from his bride and strolled elegantly toward me, the tails of his tuxedo brushing the onlookers as they parted to let him through. He handed me a scrap of paper with the neatly written words: “There must be some mistake” and gestured to a banner over the dais which read: “Congratulations to Headless Charlie and Sue the Body!”

That’s when I realized that it wasn’t my two heads that disturbed them…it was that I was the only freak in the room who had any head at all.

How embarrassing!

***Our new book – our 4th book – is nearly done. It is literally being printed now. The title is, “A Short Burst” a collection of flash science fiction. This story and image come from page 12. Most of what you find in this blog is a light dusting of what you’ll find in our books. Follow the links above to www.sallemander.com to buy them. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

TommyClown

July 1, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Tommy the Clown got sliced in half, to expose his charm and wit but all I could see as he came apart was maggoty chunks of shit.

***A page from “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks”, the finest example of clown literature ever published in America. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Gob the Clown

June 24, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Spartacus Spittle woke up the moment he hit the wall. What should have hurt like hell, only exhilarated him as he gasped his first breath and his first gooey thought shat through his brain bubbles. His brand new eyes popped open in time to spot his birth father tromping away in floppy, over-sized shoes, a bright orange wig and a baggy, polka dotted jumpsuit. Spartacus felt a wave of affection wash down his still unformed leg jizzle.

The impact with the wall spattered most of his foamy mass of phlegm in an impressive spread, but he was already retracting elastically into a sloppy infant form. Just below him, however, was the spittoon that his father was aiming for as he made his glorious journey; rumbling up from the lungs and simultaneously snorking down from the sinuses, commingling on the birth canal tongue…to be fired out of his silly painted gob with a convulsive “HORK!!”

As Spartacus clung to the wall for dear life – lest he fall into the spittoon and die – he felt confident that if he’d inherited his father’s bad aim he would probably miss the pot anyway.

***As much as I’d love to expound on all the fascinating data we’ve compiled on Clown reproduction and birth in our book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’, I’m even more excited about our ‘Creepy Clown Coloring Book’, which is where this week’s image comes from. Even better, we have an Etsy shop where you can find all our books and merch by searching “EEWbooks”…or just use the www.sallemander.com link above. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Flash Fiction, Sci-Fi

Not Again…

June 17, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Hans-talking-bear-82

“Oh man…not again.” said Francis under his breath, as Martin, his room-mate, stood over him, drooling.

His attack was so swift that Francis barely had time to flinch before being stuffed forcibly into Martin’s toothy maw and swallowed whole.

Francis knew he had a little time to think before the digestive process of Martin, who was a fully grown polar bear, kicked into gear, pushed him along it’s hour-long journey, and shat him out again. And really, what had begun as a quiet time for meditation was slowly turning sour as he wondered, more and more, if this little trip was really worth it.

He acknowledged that this WAS in his rental agreement, but seriously! When would Martin develop some self control with his munchies and go make himself a peanut butter sandwich or something? Everybody knew how bad the housing market was, and it was only getting worse, but this ‘fantastic journey’ through the body of a giant circus performer, twice a week, was really not worth affordable rent. He’d had some horrible roommate’s before, but this one was starting to take the cake…uh oh…here we go….. “Yeaaahhhhgh!!!” PFLOOP! “Oooooh, yuck!

***This illustration was originally commissioned for a story in Analog Magazine back in 2008. It was slated to be republished in our Bludgeon the Clown book with a cool (disgusting) poem, but the publisher cut it…it was good stuff, but not for THAT project. Now, along with a new short flash-fiction story (inspired by the art), it is ready for our new book, A Short Burst, which will finally be published in a matter of months. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Jack the Clown

June 10, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

I once met a clown named Jack who shoved a grenade up his crack. They recovered his penis halfway to Venus and both of his balls in Iraq.

***Today we celebrate our ‘195th post’…and every195 posts we publish the most offensive dick-n-balls, exploding clown limerick we can find. This one comes to us from Venus the Clown (a major contributor to our new book “Bludgeon the Clown”). John (the artist) claims Venus lifted it from John’s notes and reworked it to put his own name in it. He says he heard it a decade ago from an old friend, Robert Kopecky, when they worked on ‘Codename: Kids Next Door’ together. I think John just hates my good friend Venus and likes to ruin my ‘195th post’ celebration… -Marsha

*P.S. The only problem with Venus’ limerick (besides being disgusting) is that you have to mispronounce Iraq like a typical American (eye-rack), for the rhyme to work properly. Find our books, buy them all at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. -M

Book Exerpt, Clowns, robot, Sci-Fi

They Only Happen by Accident

June 3, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Excerpt from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 4, page 55.

They Only Happen by Accident

Cockeysville, Maryland. Until I met Jonny-Bot 5, I was often puzzled to encounter robot clowns….Jonny set me straight! As most of you know, clowns make some of the finest handmade toys in the world. They say that a little bit of their magic rubs off on them. It’s the only explanation we have for why so many of their products get so out of hand. Considering what happens to clown houses and cars, it stands to reason that a toy robot could become sentient. Robot clowns are pretty rare; they only happen by accident. Once they exist, however, clowns readily accept them into their culture. Military corporations like to kidnap them for secret dissection and weapons development…but the freak inside always clusterfucks their program. It’s a good thing they do, or we’d all be losing our corporate jobs to enhanced tech…..wait…

***Find our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. Thanks. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Class War

May 27, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 5, page 79.

Class War

“Tipping points are what clowns really look forward to.” said Zig-Zag the Clown, who was thrilled to offer his comments on a painting featuring his old friend, Thorgrind the Giant, beheading a sleazy medieval aristocrat; “In history’s rich pageant, tipping points are the main event…the height of entertainment…and the tipping point in our broken culture is inevitable.” He went on to say that; “Class war brings inequality and instability, which leads to revolution and transformation. It can take decades, even centuries for the oppressed to fester and pop, but they eventually rise up; they always have and they always will. The best we can hope for is that it happens with as little violence as possible.” I can agree with that.

Note: Since the Dark Ages, clown culture has consistently identified the giant as the embodiment of the population as a whole (the disenfranchised proletariat), while the knight represents the aristocracy. We found epic clown ditties documenting the tipping points of long-lost civilizations stretching back for eons.

***Another all-new, never before posted image from our latest book, “Bludgeon the Clown”. Why do I bother? …because I know that if you buy this book, it will poke you in the eye, kick your ass and completely diddle your whimsy. Buy it at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy .com. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

The Buttox Brothers

May 13, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The Buttox Brothers were unlucky chaps who answered to Rupert and Rory. Don’t ask me how they got this way, It’s a really disgusting story.

…but wait ’till you hear how we got ’em apart. It was bloody and smelly…and gory.

***Another all new image and poem from our spectacular book, “Bludgeon the Clown”. More than just literary wit and extraordinary illustrations, Bludgeon explores the fascinating and very REAL world of the clown race and their impact on our fetid American culture. Find it and all our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. -Marsha