Tag Archives: freaks

There Must Be Some Mistake

July 15, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The atmosphere in the ballroom went positively rancid the moment I walked in. People stopped dancing mid-step. The band struck a sour chord and shambled into silence. Drinks spilled. A waiter dropped a tray of dishes with a loud, lingering clatter. A woman fainted, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

Everyone in the place turned to look at me as if I had two heads. Something was ‘off’ about these people; I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

The groom, looking quite put out, detached himself from his bride and strolled elegantly toward me, the tails of his tuxedo brushing the onlookers as they parted to let him through. He handed me a scrap of paper with the neatly written words: “There must be some mistake” and gestured to a banner over the dais which read: “Congratulations to Headless Charlie and Sue the Body!”

That’s when I realized that it wasn’t my two heads that disturbed them…it was that I was the only freak in the room who had any head at all.

How embarrassing!

***Our new book – our 4th book – is nearly done. It is literally being printed now. The title is, “A Short Burst” a collection of flash science fiction. This story and image come from page 12. Most of what you find in this blog is a light dusting of what you’ll find in our books. Follow the links above to www.sallemander.com to buy them. -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks, Political

Bladder the Clown

July 8, 2019 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

Bladder the Clown had really bad aim, though he did his best to foil it, the bottle of booze he guzzled each day would give him the shakes and spoil it. He tried once or twice to widen his stance and hold his dick really tight, but doused his shoes and sprinkled his pants and still couldn’t hit the toilet.

***We’re breaking all the rules this week by posting a political one. Yeah! This one’s political, specially picked for early July. What…you don’t get it? That’s okay, its a tricky one. Leave me an angry comment if you get it. I hope you didn’t blow your friggin’ hands off playing with fireworks. This is an image and poem that didn’t make it into “Bludgeon the Clown”…so this is probably the last time you’ll ever see it. Farewell Bladder. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

TommyClown

July 1, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Tommy the Clown got sliced in half, to expose his charm and wit but all I could see as he came apart was maggoty chunks of shit.

***A page from “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks”, the finest example of clown literature ever published in America. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Gob the Clown

June 24, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Spartacus Spittle woke up the moment he hit the wall. What should have hurt like hell, only exhilarated him as he gasped his first breath and his first gooey thought shat through his brain bubbles. His brand new eyes popped open in time to spot his birth father tromping away in floppy, over-sized shoes, a bright orange wig and a baggy, polka dotted jumpsuit. Spartacus felt a wave of affection wash down his still unformed leg jizzle.

The impact with the wall spattered most of his foamy mass of phlegm in an impressive spread, but he was already retracting elastically into a sloppy infant form. Just below him, however, was the spittoon that his father was aiming for as he made his glorious journey; rumbling up from the lungs and simultaneously snorking down from the sinuses, commingling on the birth canal tongue…to be fired out of his silly painted gob with a convulsive “HORK!!”

As Spartacus clung to the wall for dear life – lest he fall into the spittoon and die – he felt confident that if he’d inherited his father’s bad aim he would probably miss the pot anyway.

***As much as I’d love to expound on all the fascinating data we’ve compiled on Clown reproduction and birth in our book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’, I’m even more excited about our ‘Creepy Clown Coloring Book’, which is where this week’s image comes from. Even better, we have an Etsy shop where you can find all our books and merch by searching “EEWbooks”…or just use the www.sallemander.com link above. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Flash Fiction, Sci-Fi

Not Again…

June 17, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Hans-talking-bear-82

“Oh man…not again.” said Francis under his breath, as Martin, his room-mate, stood over him, drooling.

His attack was so swift that Francis barely had time to flinch before being stuffed forcibly into Martin’s toothy maw and swallowed whole.

Francis knew he had a little time to think before the digestive process of Martin, who was a fully grown polar bear, kicked into gear, pushed him along it’s hour-long journey, and shat him out again. And really, what had begun as a quiet time for meditation was slowly turning sour as he wondered, more and more, if this little trip was really worth it.

He acknowledged that this WAS in his rental agreement, but seriously! When would Martin develop some self control with his munchies and go make himself a peanut butter sandwich or something? Everybody knew how bad the housing market was, and it was only getting worse, but this ‘fantastic journey’ through the body of a giant circus performer, twice a week, was really not worth affordable rent. He’d had some horrible roommate’s before, but this one was starting to take the cake…uh oh…here we go….. “Yeaaahhhhgh!!!” PFLOOP! “Oooooh, yuck!

***This illustration was originally commissioned for a story in Analog Magazine back in 2008. It was slated to be republished in our Bludgeon the Clown book with a cool (disgusting) poem, but the publisher cut it…it was good stuff, but not for THAT project. Now, along with a new short flash-fiction story (inspired by the art), it is ready for our new book, A Short Burst, which will finally be published in a matter of months. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Jack the Clown

June 10, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

I once met a clown named Jack who shoved a grenade up his crack. They recovered his penis halfway to Venus and both of his balls in Iraq.

***Today we celebrate our ‘195th post’…and every195 posts we publish the most offensive dick-n-balls, exploding clown limerick we can find. This one comes to us from Venus the Clown (a major contributor to our new book “Bludgeon the Clown”). John (the artist) claims Venus lifted it from John’s notes and reworked it to put his own name in it. He says he heard it a decade ago from an old friend, Robert Kopecky, when they worked on ‘Codename: Kids Next Door’ together. I think John just hates my good friend Venus and likes to ruin my ‘195th post’ celebration… -Marsha

*P.S. The only problem with Venus’ limerick (besides being disgusting) is that you have to mispronounce Iraq like a typical American (eye-rack), for the rhyme to work properly. Find our books, buy them all at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. -M

Book Exerpt, Clowns, robot, Sci-Fi

They Only Happen by Accident

June 3, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Excerpt from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 4, page 55.

They Only Happen by Accident

Cockeysville, Maryland. Until I met Jonny-Bot 5, I was often puzzled to encounter robot clowns….Jonny set me straight! As most of you know, clowns make some of the finest handmade toys in the world. They say that a little bit of their magic rubs off on them. It’s the only explanation we have for why so many of their products get so out of hand. Considering what happens to clown houses and cars, it stands to reason that a toy robot could become sentient. Robot clowns are pretty rare; they only happen by accident. Once they exist, however, clowns readily accept them into their culture. Military corporations like to kidnap them for secret dissection and weapons development…but the freak inside always clusterfucks their program. It’s a good thing they do, or we’d all be losing our corporate jobs to enhanced tech…..wait…

***Find our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. Thanks. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Class War

May 27, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 5, page 79.

Class War

“Tipping points are what clowns really look forward to.” said Zig-Zag the Clown, who was thrilled to offer his comments on a painting featuring his old friend, Thorgrind the Giant, beheading a sleazy medieval aristocrat; “In history’s rich pageant, tipping points are the main event…the height of entertainment…and the tipping point in our broken culture is inevitable.” He went on to say that; “Class war brings inequality and instability, which leads to revolution and transformation. It can take decades, even centuries for the oppressed to fester and pop, but they eventually rise up; they always have and they always will. The best we can hope for is that it happens with as little violence as possible.” I can agree with that.

Note: Since the Dark Ages, clown culture has consistently identified the giant as the embodiment of the population as a whole (the disenfranchised proletariat), while the knight represents the aristocracy. We found epic clown ditties documenting the tipping points of long-lost civilizations stretching back for eons.

***Another all-new, never before posted image from our latest book, “Bludgeon the Clown”. Why do I bother? …because I know that if you buy this book, it will poke you in the eye, kick your ass and completely diddle your whimsy. Buy it at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy .com. -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction

Belly Button

May 20, 2019 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

Toby had a belly button…a freakish big red one right in the center, and he was threatening to use it, too. He showed up at the White House during a political fundraiser demanding an audience and got laughed out of the place. The cable news outlets picked up on the incident and made a giant “News Alert” stink, convincing the entire dull eyed, drooling American television audience that he was legit – and that he’d press the button and unleash the demons of nuclear hell (or whatever) if they didn’t do what he said.

Well, that was it. The world ended as we knew it (and it really backfired on the media who figured he was their puppet). Toby brought an end to all wars and banned usury (which pretty much ruined capitalism). He stopped fossil fuel use and forced everybody to respect the environment…and that was just for starters. Every time he rested his pudgy finger on that big red button, the world went into a panic. He managed to bully everybody on Earth into being….. better…OR ELSE!!!

Huh!…I wish I had thought of that.

***Is Toby a terrorist? Sure! Why not? Is he a “bad guy”? Well, not within two paragraphs…but power goes hand in hand with corruption and tyranny, so he’ll get there eventually…always will. This is a piece from our 5th book, “Body-Oddies” which will not be published until 2020. On the upside, you can buy our first 3 books at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks at etsy.com. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

The Buttox Brothers

May 13, 2019 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The Buttox Brothers were unlucky chaps who answered to Rupert and Rory. Don’t ask me how they got this way, It’s a really disgusting story.

…but wait ’till you hear how we got ’em apart. It was bloody and smelly…and gory.

***Another all new image and poem from our spectacular book, “Bludgeon the Clown”. More than just literary wit and extraordinary illustrations, Bludgeon explores the fascinating and very REAL world of the clown race and their impact on our fetid American culture. Find it and all our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. -Marsha