Clowns for Christmas? Fingers with Faces? Expecting reindeer and elves? Think that’s weird, go find a mirror and take a good look at yourselves!
***This is the second in a set of 3 snarky Christmas cards we’re posting up for sale at our Etsy store, EEWbooks. We usually sell them for $4.99 each at the book fests and comic cons, but you can get the set of 3 for $12.00. Follow the link to our site www.sallemander.com and click on the Etsy link (simple!). Buy them they’re fantastic. Thanks. -Marsha
Lester the Jester threw up his supper, emerging instead as a fool named Skupper who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob expelling another named Bob, who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile, appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle who stuck out his tongue and said with a leer “Happy Christmas to all and a Merry New Year.”
***This is the first in a set of 3 new snarky Christmas cards we’re posting up on our Etsy store for sale. We sell them at the book festivals and conventions for $4.99 each, but you can get the set of 3 for $12.00 at EEWbooks on Etsy (follow the www.sallemander.com link above to the Etsy link – easy!). Thanks. -Marsha
I really can’t think of a favorite place but I love the idea of flavored space, which happens to rhyme with ‘baby face’ like the horrible growth on my cheek.
I like the idea of an ‘open mic’ as long as I’m never the Mike. Exposing my guts to a crowd if you like might make some people freak.
I never accepted an open ‘Hand Shake’ though I don’t mind a hand made cake. Swallowing fingers is awful to take but easy to grasp – so to speak.
But my favorite place is up my nose where adorable ‘nose hair’ grows, which is usually better than ‘smelly toes’ ’cause its cute and fuzzy and chic.
***Lets take a little break from our holiday shopping frenzy for something adorable and wholesome. This little ditty makes John giggle like a tickled toddler every time he reads it. He’s done rough sketches of all the ‘Body-Oddies’ it mentions so far (even though we only used ‘baby face’ for this post). Even though “Body-Oddies won’t be out until next year, you can buy our 3 already published books at our EEWbooks Etsy store or by following the link above to www.sallemander.com. Thanks. -Marsha
The birth of a Clown is a sacred thing. A blessed and joyous day. So pinch your nose and light a match and try not to flush it away.
***They say “You can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar” – but even more with poop. This is a page from our first book, “Blue-ish Freaks.” Find all our books at www.sallemander.com or follow the links above. -Marsha
Democrat? Republican? Who can fuckin’ tell? Red state, Blue state? Die and go to Hell! Argue ’bout it all you want, knock each other out. ‘Right-Left’ bullshit ain’t what its about.
***All over the country (and especially social media) stupid people are still arguing over inane political ‘issues’. Pull your heads out of your asses, we live in a broken, corporatized society. It is broken on purpose. It is the natural result of Capitalism. It’s not about right vs. left, it’s about rich vs. poor. We owe it to those who come after us to do more than just argue, pointlessly over ‘D’ or ‘R’ like “Good Germans”. We owe it to them to get off our lazy asses and resist the corporate state…then get out, join a movement and rebel. This page is from our first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.” Find it by following the link above to www.sallemander.com. -Marsha Mellow
The Clowns rose up in anger one day deciding enough was enough. They poured out into the streets en masse, yelling and juggling stuff.
They wanted ‘equal rights’, they said, to be ‘taken seriously’. An end to random giggles and leers. They wanted respect, you see.
Snarling traffic with mini Clown cars, squirtling flowers and ties, their strike turned into a riot (of sorts) pelting police with pies.
They overwhelmed the barricades, storming the walls and ditches and made their way up to capital hill, leaving the cops in stitches.
But as they breached the chamber doors, their smiles turned into frowns, for the senate was already occupied by Idiots, Mimes and Clowns.
I wrote this piece (and John illustrated it) almost two decades ago. I thought, for sure, things MUST change for the better by now. Anyway, it finally got published in our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown”…which you can find (and buy) following the www.sallemander.com link at the top. -Marsha
BLUDGEON THE CLOWN
“Bludgeon the Clown” is a fully illustrated ‘graphic novel’ exposing the grizzly details of our ongoing, nationwide clown conspiracy and cover-up. The material in this book could irrevocably alter life as we know it (for the better)…unless we’re really careful. Written by Marsha Mellow (with over 100 illustrations by John Allemand), it is 100 pages, perfect bound, stiff cover, 8.5x11in. size – of candy-coated, yummy clown-infected goodness. Price $29.95
***Hooray!!! Our new book is finally out. It’s big, it’s beautiful, tastes great and smells like filthy blue-ish nose crystals dipped in spleen juice, slathered in gooey irony and deep fried to a crispy hubris. Check it out on our website (linked above), as well as Etsy and Amazon. BUT…even if clowns aren’t your thing, it makes the perfect gift for your most annoying in-laws – or that estranged sibling you only ever argue with on the holidays. -Marsha
Wazu the Clown had trouble at home; His girlfriend kept getting fatter. The fact that she was due to give birth, just didn’t seem to matter. SHE wanted him to get married, but he wasn’t going along. He’d never marry a blow-up-doll, ’cause that would be “morally wrong.”
***We’re busy…really busy. Here is an image from our “Blue-ish Freaks” book, to pass the time. The poem didn’t make it into that book, nor will it be in the new one…..Oh well. -Marsha
Hans discovered that he could speak with a bear who turned up in his flat last week, as once he got past his initial dread, he understood all that he said. They hit it right off, like lickety-split, just laughing and joking and shootin’ the shit… ’till the bear got hungry and ate his head and now poor Hans is dead.
***This is another illustration/poem that didn’t make the cut for our new book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’. It’s easy to see why the image didn’t make it (it’s not very good). It was originally commissioned for a story in Analog Magazine back in 2008…but I had hoped the publisher would find a way to keep my amazing poem in the book. Oh well, that’s out of my hands – and the whole thing is coming along splendidly. -Marsha
Tepid the Clown had really bad gas. He made ’em strong, and made ’em to last. He could fly around town propelled by his ass, could leap a tall building with just one blast.
But ran out of luck with a wet squirty one and at ten thousand feet he was done and hit the street like a jelly-filled bun but, by golly! Wasn’t that fun?!!
***I may have posted this one last year but here is again…see, the darndest thing happened recently when the owners of The Rectangle Studio & Gallery invited us to be part of their inaugural ‘Art and Poetry HAHA!’ show. I figured they must be crazy people if they liked John’s horrible clown illustrations…but John will be reading a piece or two of My work too, so they obviously have good taste. The show is on Saturday, Feb. 25th at The Rectangle Studio & Gallery, 540A Freeman St., Orange, NJ 07050. Open mike is at 6:30p (RSVP only) and open house is from 7:30p to 10p with froo-froo wine and snacks. Find it online at http://www.therectanglestudio.com/. -Marsha