Book Exerpt, Flash Fiction, Sci-Fi

Not Again…

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Hans-talking-bear-82

“Oh man…not again.” said Francis under his breath, as Martin, his room-mate, stood over him, drooling.

His attack was so swift that Francis barely had time to flinch before being stuffed forcibly into Martin’s toothy maw and swallowed whole.

Francis knew he had a little time to think before the digestive process of Martin, who was a fully grown polar bear, kicked into gear, pushed him along it’s hour-long journey, and shat him out again.  And really, what had begun as a quiet time for meditation was slowly turning sour as he wondered, more and more, if this little trip was really worth it.

He acknowledged that this WAS in his rental agreement, but seriously!  When would Martin develop some self control with his munchies and go make himself a peanut butter sandwich or something?  Everybody knew how bad the housing market was, and it was only getting worse, but this ‘fantastic journey’ through the body of a giant circus performer, twice a week, was really not worth affordable rent.  He’d had some horrible roommate’s before, but this one was starting to take the cake…uh oh…here we go…..  “Yeaaahhhhgh!!!” PFLOOP!  “Oooooh, yuck!

***This illustration was originally commissioned for a story in Analog Magazine back in 2008.  It was slated to be republished in our Bludgeon the Clown book with a cool (disgusting) poem, but the publisher cut it…it was good stuff, but not for THAT project.  Now, along with a new short flash-fiction story (inspired by the art), it is ready for our new book, A Short Burst, which will finally be published in a matter of months.   -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Jack the Clown

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I once met a clown named Jack                                                                           who shoved a grenade up his crack.                                                                  They recovered his penis                                                                                         halfway to Venus                                                                                                            and both of his balls in Iraq.

***Today we celebrate our ‘195th post’…and every195 posts we publish the most offensive dick-n-balls, exploding clown limerick we can find.  This one comes to us from Venus the Clown (a major contributor to our new book “Bludgeon the Clown”).  John (the artist) claims Venus lifted it from John’s notes and reworked it to put his own name in it.  He says he heard it a decade ago from an old friend, Robert Kopecky, when they worked on ‘Codename: Kids Next Door’ together.  I think John just hates my good friend Venus and likes to ruin my ‘195th post’ celebration…  -Marsha

*P.S.  The only problem with Venus’ limerick (besides being disgusting) is that you have to mispronounce Iraq like a typical American (eye-rack), for the rhyme to work properly.  Find our books, buy them all at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com.   -M 

Book Exerpt, Clowns, robot, Sci-Fi

They Only Happen by Accident

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Excerpt from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 4, page 55.

They Only Happen by Accident   

Cockeysville, Maryland.  Until I met Jonny-Bot 5, I was often puzzled to encounter robot clowns….Jonny set me straight!  As most of you know, clowns make some of the finest handmade toys in the world.  They say that a little bit of their magic rubs off on them.  It’s the only explanation we have for why so many of their products get so out of hand.  Considering what happens to clown houses and cars, it stands to reason that a toy robot could become sentient.  Robot clowns are pretty rare; they only happen by accident.  Once they exist, however, clowns readily accept them into their culture.  Military corporations like to kidnap them for secret dissection and weapons development…but the freak inside always clusterfucks their program.  It’s a good thing they do, or we’d all be losing our corporate jobs to enhanced tech…..wait…

***Find our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com.  Thanks.   -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Class War

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Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 5, page 79.

Class War

“Tipping points are what clowns really look forward to.” said Zig-Zag the Clown, who was thrilled to offer his comments on a painting featuring his old friend, Thorgrind the Giant, beheading a sleazy medieval aristocrat;  “In history’s rich pageant, tipping points are the main event…the height of entertainment…and the tipping point in our broken culture is inevitable.”  He went on to say that; “Class war brings inequality and instability, which leads to revolution and transformation.  It can take decades, even centuries for the oppressed to fester and pop, but they eventually rise up; they always have and they always will.  The best we can hope for is that it happens with as little violence as possible.”  I can agree with that.

Note: Since the Dark Ages, clown culture has consistently identified the giant as the embodiment of the population as a whole (the disenfranchised proletariat), while the knight represents the aristocracy.  We found epic clown ditties documenting the tipping points of long-lost civilizations stretching back for eons.

***Another all-new, never before posted image from our latest book, “Bludgeon the Clown”.  Why do I bother? …because I know that if you buy this book, it will poke you in the eye, kick your ass and completely diddle your whimsy.  Buy it at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy .com.   -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction

Belly Button

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Toby had a belly button…a freakish big red one right in the center, and he was threatening to use it, too.  He showed up at the White House during a political fundraiser demanding an audience and got laughed out of the place.  The cable news outlets picked up on the incident and made a giant “News Alert” stink, convincing the entire dull eyed, drooling American television audience that he was legit – and that he’d press the button and unleash the demons of nuclear hell (or whatever) if they didn’t do what he said.

Well, that was it.  The world ended as we knew it (and it really backfired on the media who figured he was their puppet).  Toby brought an end to all wars and banned usury (which pretty much ruined capitalism).  He stopped fossil fuel use and forced everybody to respect the environment…and that was just for starters.  Every time he rested his pudgy finger on that big red button, the world went into a panic.  He managed to bully everybody on Earth into being….. better…OR ELSE!!!

Huh!…I wish I had thought of that.

***Is Toby a terrorist?  Sure!  Why not?  Is he a “bad guy”?  Well, not within two paragraphs…but power goes hand in hand with corruption and tyranny, so he’ll get there eventually…always will.  This is a piece from our 5th book, “Body-Oddies” which will not be published until 2020.  On the upside, you can buy our first 3 books at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks at etsy.com.   -Marsha  

Book Exerpt, Clowns

The Buttox Brothers

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The Buttox Brothers were unlucky chaps                                                     who answered to Rupert and Rory.                                                               Don’t ask me how they got this way,                                                                  It’s a really disgusting story.

…but wait ’till you hear how we got ’em apart.                                                  It was bloody and smelly…and gory.

***Another all new image and poem from our spectacular book, “Bludgeon the Clown”.  More than just literary wit and extraordinary illustrations, Bludgeon explores the fascinating and very REAL world of the clown race and their impact on our fetid American culture.  Find it and all our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com.   -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Sir Bludgeon the 1st.

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Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 1, page 12.

Sir Bludgeon the First

Let us never forget Sir Bludgeon the First, a clown who rose to greatness during the fourth crusade in 1203, while employed as a belly-button groomer and a peek-a-boo latrineer by Lord Periwinkle the Incontinent of Swabia.

In the darkest days of the campaign, before the massacre of Adrianople, when the crusaders were under siege and facing starvation…and having eaten all their horses, servants and unnecessary limbs, they turned to their Muslim prisoners for food.  During a heated argument between our intrepid Bludgeon and the venerable Doge Dandolo, of Venice, over a young Muslim child (on whether to pummel him into hamburger or simply roast him whole over a spit), the intellectually frustrated Bludgeon flung the child away.  Luckily, he landed safely in a vat of boiling oil and fried to an enticing crisp.  The odor and taste of deep fried meat was so popular with the crusaders that Bludgeon was knighted on the spot and dubbed “The Duke of Deep Fry.”  Today, deep fried food is the staple diet of America’s growing (rotund) population…whose quality of health is almost as good now as it was in the Dark Ages.

***Yes, this is an image and excerpt from our third book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, that we haven’t posted before (though John did use the head-shot of Bludgeon the 1st for his FB profile pic. for a while).  Bludgeon is an impeccably written and illustrated marvel of whimsy and wit.  You can buy it at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks on etsy.com.  You need this book.  It will change your life.   -Marsha

 

body-oddies, Book Exerpt, Flash Fiction

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

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Milton was an odd fellow. Everybody thought so. He had wild ideas about everything from politics to gardening. He thought animals would be healthier if we didn’t butcher them. He thought terrorism was a bad way to fight terrorism and had, daily, heated arguments about transference with the wooden Indian outside the smoke shop….very odd.

He painted a creepy clown face with purple polka-dots on his van (even though he can’t drive). He muttered bizarre things to ladies as he passed them in the streets, like: “Have a nice day!” and “Love your head scarf!!” – it was horrifying. Last week he predicted the world would end two years ago and hung unauthorized presidential campaign posters for ‘asparagus’ and ‘enchiladas’ (even though they were probably better candidates)…and every time he ate pickled anchovy sandwiches with mayo and peanut butter, his breath still smelled like beef jerky…..Huh!

For all this and much more, Milton was the subject of intense gossip all over town. He often made the front page of the local Gazette and people got into fist fights over the consistency of his guacamole. To some, he was a nuisance, to others a local folk hero – and to others still, a tourist attraction.

Well, that was all good and fine for most folks…but for me, seeing him stroll about with three fully grown legs – one facing front and two facing back, was truly a marvel…..and wow, what a snazzy dancer!

***This is a sketch and flash fiction piece for my “Body-Oddies” book project, which is well underway and on schedule for publication in 2020 (that is, if John can get his lazy ass in gear and finish the illustrations).  The publisher is really excited with the whole project.  You can buy our first 3 books by following the links to www.sallemander.com or go to EEWbooks at Etsy.com.    -Marsha Mellow

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Briny Brown

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Briny Brown-81Briny Brown was a giant clown,                                                                       roughly the size of a tiny town.                                                                               We know this now ’cause he tripped and fell down…                            and flattened the place to the ground.

From the heiney of Briny,                                                                                              a clown quite tiny,                                                                                                             emerged, disheveled and slimy.                                                                                 As he staggered around, he said with a frown,                                                 “Holy crap!…I’m alive!!  Go’ blimey!!!”

***This was based on a true story (as all my clowns are), it’s just that most people never notice giants (or REAL clowns for that matter).  Briny Brown is featured in my 3rd and latest book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, which you can buy at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks at etsy.com  -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Stigma The Clown

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stigma-the-clown-60 

Stigma the Clown was a master of wit.                                                                His gift was ‘the awkward and creepy’.                                                               On the corner, at night, he’d stand (or he’d sit)                                               upsetting the neighborhood deeply.

He wasn’t a violent, dangerous bloke,                                                                  never groped or ran about naked,                                                                           was never obnoxious or rude when he spoke                                                    but some people just couldn’t take it.

Just stood on the corner, creepy and proud,                                                   toying with people’s prejudice.                                                                                A few of us ‘got it’ and laughed out loud                                                               but everyone else was incredulous.

“He’s a leech! He’s a thief!!  He’s disturbing the peace!”                          “He’s exposing our kids to his DICK!!!”                                                                And once they started to call the police,                                                             things got really bad…quick.

“YOU should stay in your OWN neighborhood!”                                           “Your kind aren’t welcome here!”                                                                          And they chased him down and shot him, for good                                      out of bigotry, hatred and fear.

Stigma continued his terrorist reign                                                                     form St. Patties’ Day to Thanksgiving.                                                                    Wherever he went they reacted the same,                                                        ’cause this is the ‘Merica we live in.

***I wrote this lovely little ditty to commemorate ‘The Great Clown Scare of 2016’…we never got full and proper credit for that brilliant act of social terrorism.  That stupid “IT” movie stole our thunder.  The image is the chapter 2 title page for our 3rd book,“Bludgeon The Clown.”  To find our books and buy, go to www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at Etsy .com.   -Marsha