Tommy the Clown got sliced in half, to expose his charm and wit but all I could see as he came apart was maggoty chunks of shit.
***A page from “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks”, the finest example of clown literature ever published in America. -Marsha
Spartacus Spittle woke up the moment he hit the wall. What should have hurt like hell, only exhilarated him as he gasped his first breath and his first gooey thought shat through his brain bubbles. His brand new eyes popped open in time to spot his birth father tromping away in floppy, over-sized shoes, a bright orange wig and a baggy, polka dotted jumpsuit. Spartacus felt a wave of affection wash down his still unformed leg jizzle.
The impact with the wall spattered most of his foamy mass of phlegm in an impressive spread, but he was already retracting elastically into a sloppy infant form. Just below him, however, was the spittoon that his father was aiming for as he made his glorious journey; rumbling up from the lungs and simultaneously snorking down from the sinuses, commingling on the birth canal tongue…to be fired out of his silly painted gob with a convulsive “HORK!!”
As Spartacus clung to the wall for dear life – lest he fall into the spittoon and die – he felt confident that if he’d inherited his father’s bad aim he would probably miss the pot anyway.
***As much as I’d love to expound on all the fascinating data we’ve compiled on Clown reproduction and birth in our book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’, I’m even more excited about our ‘Creepy Clown Coloring Book’, which is where this week’s image comes from. Even better, we have an Etsy shop where you can find all our books and merch by searching “EEWbooks”…or just use the www.sallemander.com link above. -Marsha
I once met a clown named Jack who shoved a grenade up his crack. They recovered his penis halfway to Venus and both of his balls in Iraq.
***Today we celebrate our ‘195th post’…and every195 posts we publish the most offensive dick-n-balls, exploding clown limerick we can find. This one comes to us from Venus the Clown (a major contributor to our new book “Bludgeon the Clown”). John (the artist) claims Venus lifted it from John’s notes and reworked it to put his own name in it. He says he heard it a decade ago from an old friend, Robert Kopecky, when they worked on ‘Codename: Kids Next Door’ together. I think John just hates my good friend Venus and likes to ruin my ‘195th post’ celebration… -Marsha
*P.S. The only problem with Venus’ limerick (besides being disgusting) is that you have to mispronounce Iraq like a typical American (eye-rack), for the rhyme to work properly. Find our books, buy them all at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. -M
Excerpt from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 4, page 55.
They Only Happen by Accident
Cockeysville, Maryland. Until I met Jonny-Bot 5, I was often puzzled to encounter robot clowns….Jonny set me straight! As most of you know, clowns make some of the finest handmade toys in the world. They say that a little bit of their magic rubs off on them. It’s the only explanation we have for why so many of their products get so out of hand. Considering what happens to clown houses and cars, it stands to reason that a toy robot could become sentient. Robot clowns are pretty rare; they only happen by accident. Once they exist, however, clowns readily accept them into their culture. Military corporations like to kidnap them for secret dissection and weapons development…but the freak inside always clusterfucks their program. It’s a good thing they do, or we’d all be losing our corporate jobs to enhanced tech…..wait…
***Find our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. Thanks. -Marsha
Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 5, page 79.
Class War
“Tipping points are what clowns really look forward to.” said Zig-Zag the Clown, who was thrilled to offer his comments on a painting featuring his old friend, Thorgrind the Giant, beheading a sleazy medieval aristocrat; “In history’s rich pageant, tipping points are the main event…the height of entertainment…and the tipping point in our broken culture is inevitable.” He went on to say that; “Class war brings inequality and instability, which leads to revolution and transformation. It can take decades, even centuries for the oppressed to fester and pop, but they eventually rise up; they always have and they always will. The best we can hope for is that it happens with as little violence as possible.” I can agree with that.
Note: Since the Dark Ages, clown culture has consistently identified the giant as the embodiment of the population as a whole (the disenfranchised proletariat), while the knight represents the aristocracy. We found epic clown ditties documenting the tipping points of long-lost civilizations stretching back for eons.
***Another all-new, never before posted image from our latest book, “Bludgeon the Clown”. Why do I bother? …because I know that if you buy this book, it will poke you in the eye, kick your ass and completely diddle your whimsy. Buy it at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy .com. -Marsha
The Buttox Brothers were unlucky chaps who answered to Rupert and Rory. Don’t ask me how they got this way, It’s a really disgusting story.
…but wait ’till you hear how we got ’em apart. It was bloody and smelly…and gory.
***Another all new image and poem from our spectacular book, “Bludgeon the Clown”. More than just literary wit and extraordinary illustrations, Bludgeon explores the fascinating and very REAL world of the clown race and their impact on our fetid American culture. Find it and all our books at www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at etsy.com. -Marsha
Excerpt from “Bludgeon the Clown”, chapter 1, page 12.
Sir Bludgeon the First
Let us never forget Sir Bludgeon the First, a clown who rose to greatness during the fourth crusade in 1203, while employed as a belly-button groomer and a peek-a-boo latrineer by Lord Periwinkle the Incontinent of Swabia.
In the darkest days of the campaign, before the massacre of Adrianople, when the crusaders were under siege and facing starvation…and having eaten all their horses, servants and unnecessary limbs, they turned to their Muslim prisoners for food. During a heated argument between our intrepid Bludgeon and the venerable Doge Dandolo, of Venice, over a young Muslim child (on whether to pummel him into hamburger or simply roast him whole over a spit), the intellectually frustrated Bludgeon flung the child away. Luckily, he landed safely in a vat of boiling oil and fried to an enticing crisp. The odor and taste of deep fried meat was so popular with the crusaders that Bludgeon was knighted on the spot and dubbed “The Duke of Deep Fry.” Today, deep fried food is the staple diet of America’s growing (rotund) population…whose quality of health is almost as good now as it was in the Dark Ages.
***Yes, this is an image and excerpt from our third book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, that we haven’t posted before (though John did use the head-shot of Bludgeon the 1st for his FB profile pic. for a while). Bludgeon is an impeccably written and illustrated marvel of whimsy and wit. You can buy it at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks on etsy.com. You need this book. It will change your life. -Marsha
Briny Brown was a giant clown, roughly the size of a tiny town. We know this now ’cause he tripped and fell down… and flattened the place to the ground.
From the heiney of Briny, a clown quite tiny, emerged, disheveled and slimy. As he staggered around, he said with a frown, “Holy crap!…I’m alive!! Go’ blimey!!!”
***This was based on a true story (as all my clowns are), it’s just that most people never notice giants (or REAL clowns for that matter). Briny Brown is featured in my 3rd and latest book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, which you can buy at www.sallemander.com or by searching EEWbooks at etsy.com -Marsha
Stigma the Clown was a master of wit. His gift was ‘the awkward and creepy’. On the corner, at night, he’d stand (or he’d sit) upsetting the neighborhood deeply.
He wasn’t a violent, dangerous bloke, never groped or ran about naked, was never obnoxious or rude when he spoke but some people just couldn’t take it.
Just stood on the corner, creepy and proud, toying with people’s prejudice. A few of us ‘got it’ and laughed out loud but everyone else was incredulous.
“He’s a leech! He’s a thief!! He’s disturbing the peace!” “He’s exposing our kids to his DICK!!!” And once they started to call the police, things got really bad…quick.
“YOU should stay in your OWN neighborhood!” “Your kind aren’t welcome here!” And they chased him down and shot him, for good out of bigotry, hatred and fear.
Stigma continued his terrorist reign form St. Patties’ Day to Thanksgiving. Wherever he went they reacted the same, ’cause this is the ‘Merica we live in.
***I wrote this lovely little ditty to commemorate ‘The Great Clown Scare of 2016’…we never got full and proper credit for that brilliant act of social terrorism. That stupid “IT” movie stole our thunder. The image is the chapter 2 title page for our 3rd book,“Bludgeon The Clown.” To find our books and buy, go to www.sallemander.com or search EEWbooks at Etsy .com. -Marsha
A Really Bad Poem
A really bad poem is one without rhyme. It sounds really awkward every single recitation. (time) It’s meter and beat are uneven and base. Just rhyming won’t do it, it needs a good – bouncy rhythm and a spot-on, neeto-keen…..pace. And don’t forget poets who make up new words, who clutter the page with “scruffulous” turds. A really bad poem just might make you cry. Not like…from “feelings!” but a poke in the eye. Yeah, a really bad poem will poke out you’re eye, will stomp on your toes and might make you…..screech like a howler monkey! (cry) But a really bad poem is funny sometimes if you get past bad meter and horrible rhymes. A really bad poem might just be crap ’cause the person who wrote it’s a horrible chap. You might just not care for their poetic shit and feel like you just want to…..GAG. (spit)
***We have all the BEST poop (and the worst bad poems). Our poop is so good it almost looks delicious (if you only knew what we had to eat to get it to look like that…) in Fact, all the shit we make with EEW Books is the best, locally produced and free of corporate influence. Find our books at www.sallemander.com and our stickers, cards (and books) at our Etsy shop, (search EEWbooks). -Marsha