Tag Archives: pencil sketch

Book Exerpt, Clowns, Freaks, Political

Now That He’s Dead

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Now that he’s dead we can mess with his shit.                                             We can dance really loud. We can holler and spit.

We can carry him ’round. We can make him look silly,                     dress him up nice in girly-girl frilly.

We can poke out his eyes. We can cut off his nose,                              twist-off and break all his fingers and toes.

Now that he’s dead we can draw on his skin,                                              give him a Clown face – a big stupid grin.

We can hang him outside for the vultures and beetles,                          shave his whole head and poke it with needles.

We can stuff him or shred him or chop him in chunks,                          then cook him and feed him to hobos and drunks.

Now that he’s dead, he’s starting to rot.                                                   Should we bury him now…or not?

But where is the joy? Where’s all the whimsy?                                   There’s plenty to do while the corpse is still flimsy.

And when he goes stiff and gives off a smell,                                              we’ll set him on fire and send him to hell.

He can’t hurt us now. It’s over and done,                                                           so now that he’s dead…..let’s have FUN!!

***This poem and image comprise the title page for ‘Chapter 6: Death,’ in our third book, “Bludgeon the Clown” which you can find by following the link above to www.sallemander.com., or go right to Etsy and search EEWbooks.   -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks

Jack

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I once met a clown named Jack, who shoved a grenade up his crack. They recovered his penis halfway to Venus and both of his balls in Iraq.

***Today we celebrate our ‘279th post’…and every 279 posts we publish the most offensive dick-n-balls, exploding clown limerick we can find.  This one comes to us from Venus the Clown (a major contributor to our new book “Bludgeon the Clown”).  John (the artist) claims Venus lifted it from his notes and reworked it to put his name in it.  He says he heard it a decade ago from an old friend, Robert Kopecky, when they worked on ‘Codename: Kids Next Door’ together.  I think John just hates my good friend Venus and likes to ruin my ‘279th post’ celebration. Fuck you, John!  -Marsha

*P.S.  The only problem with the Venus’ limerick (besides being disgusting) is that you have to mispronounce Iraq, like an ignorant American (eye-rack), for the rhyme to work properly. 

body-oddies, Book Exerpt, Sci-Fi

There Must Be Some Mistake

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The atmosphere in the ballroom went positively rancid the moment I walked in.  People stopped dancing mid-step.  The band struck a sour chord and shambled into silence.  Drinks spilled.  A waiter dropped a tray of dishes with a loud, lingering clatter.  A woman fainted, hitting the floor with a dull thud.

Everyone in the place turned to look at me as if I had two heads.  Something was ‘off’ about these people; I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

The groom, looking quite put out, detached himself from his bride and strolled elegantly toward me, the tails of his tuxedo brushing the onlookers as they parted to let him through.  He handed me a scrap of paper with the neatly written words: “There must be some mistake” and gestured to a banner over the dais which read: “Congratulations to Headless Charlie and Sue the Body!”

That’s when I realized that it wasn’t my two heads that disturbed them…it was that I was the only freak in the room who had any head at all.

How embarrassing!

***This is from our 4th book, “A Short Burst” a collection of flash science fiction.  Most of what you find in this blog is a light dusting of what you’ll find in our books.  Follow the links above to www.sallemander.com or go to our Etsy shop at www.etsy.com and search EEWbooks.   -Marsha

body-oddies, Freaks

Baby Face

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I really can’t think of a favorite place                                                                    but I love the idea of flavored space,                                                                     which happens to rhyme with ‘baby face’                                                          like the horrible growth on my cheek.

I like the idea of an ‘open mic’                                                                                  as long as I’m never the Mike.                                                                                 Exposing my guts to a crowd if you like                                                             might make some people freak.

I never accepted an open ‘Hand Shake’                                                               though I don’t mind a hand made cake.                                                              Swallowing fingers is awful to take                                                                        but easy to grasp – so to speak.

But my favorite place is up my nose,  where adorable ‘nose hair’ grows, which is usually better than ‘smelly toes’  ’cause its cute and fuzzy and chic.

***Lets take a little break from the national disgrace of American elections and corporatized holidays for something light, adorable and wholesome.  This little ditty makes John giggle like a tickled toddler every time he reads it.   He’s done rough sketches of all the ‘Body-Oddies’ it mentions (even though we only used ‘baby face’ for this post), for the new “Body-Oddies” book.  Find our first four books at our EEWbooks Etsy store.  Thanks.  -Marsha

body-oddies

Fighting Tooth and Nail

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***This sketch was done for the intro to our new book, “Body-Oddies,” which is plodding along through the publisher’s process. We don’t really mind. Frankly there’s no rush to get it done right now – in 2020. There are no viable markets (including online) to introduce it into until the pandemic subsides a bit. But, for me and my illustrator, John, there are several brilliant projects to get done and some amazing creative time available do them, so let it plod through the publisher’s, and when we get back to selling (next year), we’ll have more to offer a wider audience! -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks

Lester the Jester

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lester-the-Jester-29

Lester the Jester threw up his supper,                                                   emerging instead as a fool named Skupper                                                  who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob                                      expelling another named Bob,                                                                             who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile,                                                        appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle                                                               who turned to his mates and stuck out his tongue saying,                         “Better off here… than out Lester’s bung.”

***He ate something funny.  This is from our first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.”  Buy the book. It will transform your life! Find all our books at our Etsy shop (search EEWbooks), or visit our website (find the link at the top of the page);  www.sallemander.com   -Marsha 

body-oddies

Faceplant

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When she fell, face first, with and grunt and a thudd,

the state of her health was precarious,

but staggering up, encrusted with mud…

the look on her face was hilarious!

***This will be in our next book, “Body-Oddies” (which will be done soon), although it may end up being a completely different version – both the rhyme and the image. This is one of my favorites. I can’t count the number of times I’ve resembled this. Find and buy all our books and stuff at our Etsy shop, search EEWbooks. Thanks! -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Flash Fiction, Sci-Fi

My Best Foot Backwards

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My Best Foot Backwards

     I call my left foot Lefty.  I’ve always called him Lefty.  There’s never been any argument from him and he gets no complaints.  We get along just fine, but the other foot, well…it’s like apples and oranges.

     My other foot calls himself “Backwards.”  I named him Louis but he won’t answer to that.  That one is constant trouble!  Sure, he has better balance and coordination, heck!…if not for him I’d fall flat on my face.  Let’s not even mention my dancing!  But Backwards, even as my best foot, is a hand-full (so to speak).  He likes randomly kicking things, splashing in mud puddles and somehow, always smells of doggy doo.  And “BACKWARDS?”…I don’t even get it.  Why call himself Backwards?!?

     Now, my other-OTHER foot, my right foot…that bastard!  He decided to call himself Backwards TOO!!!  What the hell!?!  I think that one goes out of his way JUST to piss me off (I can hear him giggling now).

     Honestly though, my feet aren’t even the worst of my problems right now…try keeping three wayward hands in check when you’re trying to conquer the world…

***This flash-fiction story and illustration was recently published in our newest book, “A Short Burst.” A rougher version of the image was originally commissioned for the March, 2009 issue of Analog Magazine. Find and buy all our books at our Etsy shop, search EEWbooks. -Marsha