It’s Not The Size Of Your Clown

May 30, 2017 john Leave a comment

Book Excerpt:

Its Not The Size Of Your Clown…

Peevish, North Dakota. It seems that the smaller the clown, the angrier, more irritable they are. This image was made during the last of three riots that day. There was no media coverage and no arrests. In fact, nobody in town even realized they had an infestation of teeny-tiny clowns…or what they were so upset about.

While clowns come in all shapes and sizes, the tiny ones are the trickiest. They come smaller than you’d think possible and they get into everything. They wrote an amusing folk tail or two about one no bigger than a thumb…but the teeniest ones are often mistaken for a viral outbreak (clever). When I agreed to have a wild party with that kooky bunch, I didn’t realize I’d be hosting it in my belly for three solid days (not solid…ugh!!!).

***Another page that did not make the final cut of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” The illustration, by John Allemand, was originally commissioned for the June 2003 cover of Analog Magazine. -Marsha

robot, Sci-Fi

Designated Driver

May 23, 2017 john Leave a comment

***Marsha is away, arguing with the publisher again, probably in a belligerent blind rage. It’s okay though, she does her best work when she’s angry…or drunk (or both). As you can imagine, I’m used to it by now. But while we’ve been busy finishing our new book, she had no time to do a clever story for this illustration. It’s an old one, the 3rd assignment I ever did for Analog Magazine (out of nearly 100); a 2 page spread for the May, 2003 issue…..I still like it. -John

Clowns

Wazu The Clown

May 9, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Wazu the Clown-84

Wazu the Clown had trouble at home; His girlfriend kept getting fatter. The fact that she was due to give birth, just didn’t seem to matter. SHE wanted him to get married, but he wasn’t going along. He’d never marry a blow-up-doll, ’cause that would be “morally wrong.”

***We’re busy…really busy. Here is an image from our “Blue-ish Freaks” book, to pass the time. The poem didn’t make it into that book, nor will it be in the new one…..Oh well. -Marsha

Sci-Fi

Alien Space Battle Thing

May 2, 2017 john Leave a comment

*****This is the 83rd post…and every 83rd post, Marsha takes a break and lets ME post one. Hooray! Marsha is away, arguing with the editor and publisher at EEW Books, trying to keep all her crappy mistakes IN the manuscript of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown,” now that they’ve been edited out (and fixed). It’s vanity and hubris to think her departure from proper English is her ‘artistic prerogative.’ She’ll argue and get concessions – and compliments – and come away satisfied…while the publishers will do whatever they want after she leaves, anyway. It’s a messy, but necessary process….and it works. Meanwhile, I’ve posted an illustration I did for the September ’06 issue of Analog Magazine, for a story by Edward M. Lerner. It was a fun one to do…one of my favorites (though I’m no fan of war). -John

Clowns, Sci-Fi

Hans and the Talking Bear

April 25, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Hans-talking-bear-82

Hans discovered that he could speak with a bear who turned up in his flat last week, as once he got past his initial dread, he understood all that he said. They hit it right off, like lickety-split, just laughing and joking and shootin’ the shit… ’till the bear got hungry and ate his head and now poor Hans is dead.

***This is another illustration/poem that didn’t make the cut for our new book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’. It’s easy to see why the image didn’t make it (it’s not very good). It was originally commissioned for a story in Analog Magazine back in 2008…but I had hoped the publisher would find a way to keep my amazing poem in the book. Oh well, that’s out of my hands – and the whole thing is coming along splendidly. -Marsha

Clowns

Briny Brown

April 18, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Briny Brown was a giant clown, roughly the size of a tiny town. We know this now ’cause he tripped and fell down… and flattened the place to the ground.

From the heiney of Briny, a clown quite tiny, emerged, disheveled and slimy. As he staggered around, he said with a frown, “Holy crap!…I’m alive!! Go’ blimey!!!”

***It’s tax day in America, the day on which none of us can evade complicity. -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction, fragment

Potty Mouth

April 11, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Something in the smell wafting from the bathroom told me that things were going badly. The crap being shouted was definitely not appropriate for television. Negotiations had broken down and a strike was well underway. Worse…the strikers were in open revolt, flinging their sacred deposits all over the walls and ceiling. The trust between us was broken. Innocents were soiled, stained and who knew if the scars would ever heal…..but all that was secondary to the fact that…I really had to go. I REALLY had to go — BAD!

Shamefully, in typical corporate fashion, I snuck out to the back yard, found a tree and used it like a primitive monkey. Disgusting. Yes, I found a cheap scab replacement to the striking toilet — but I just couldn’t hold out any longer…ugh! I felt dirty.

I say, give the strikers whatever they demand before this gets any worse and we have a real shit storm on our hands…our shoes… our trousers…..

***Two weekends and two 3-day shows in a row, selling our beautiful clown books and hawking amazing (and tasteful) ‘Poop’ stickers…..boy oh boy, this is the life. If I knew this was going to be so good I’d have quit my old career 10 years ago. John wholeheartedly concurs. But, Now we have a clean stretch of uninterrupted time to finish “Bludgeon the Clown”, hopefully in early May so we can resume our show schedule. -Marsha

Sci-Fi

Roger!

April 4, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

***No clever poetry this week and no flash fiction, just an old sketch originally done (by John) for Analog Magazine back in January ’04. It seems to be the perfect image to illustrate the incredibly mediocre NJ Horror Con and Film Festival we worked last weekend. NEXT weekend we’ll be sharing a table at the Great Philadelphia Comic Con in Oaks PA. with our good friend Richard Laslo, the Cel King. After that, there will be no shows until our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown”, is done and published. We’re still shooting for the first week in May for our release…but it will just have to take whatever time it takes. -Marsha

Clowns

Poop.

March 28, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

A Really Bad Poem

A really bad poem is one without rhyme. It sounds really awkward every single…recitation. (time) It’s meter and beat are uneven and base. Just rhyming won’t do it, it needs a good – bouncy rhythm and a spot-on, neeto-keen…..pace. And don’t forget poets who make up new words, who clutter the page with “scruffulous” turds. A really bad poem just might make you cry. Not like…from “feelings!” but a poke in the eye. Yeah, a really bad poem will poke out you’re eye, will stomp on your toes and might make you…..screech like a howler monkey! (cry) But a really bad poem is funny sometimes if you get past bad meter and horrible rhymes. A really bad poem might just be crap ’cause the person who wrote it’s a horrible chap. You might just not care for their poetic shit and feel like you just want to…..GAG. (spit)

***I’ve paired ‘A Really Bad Poem’ with our new “POOP.” sticker design just in time for our first Comic Con of the year. John and I will have a table (with a load of new orig. art prints and stickers) at the NJ Horror Con and Film Festival, March 31st to April 2nd, in Edison NJ. Find it online at; http://www.newjerseyhorrorcon.com/. Come find us at the show. -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction

Doug the Slug

March 21, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Doug felt sluggish sitting through another mind numbing meeting. Boring people, like him, in boring suits, like his, sat around the conference room table giving boring briefs on their departments. Doug’s section had nothing to report, he was only there to fill his boss’ seat while he was off golfing. They droned on and on like lazy bees; “Turn to page 68 and review diagram 123g…” and “good news in marketing assessment accounts payable, see the bar graph in addendum 6…” and Doug was too hyped up on caffeine to fall asleep like Bob from Legal.

Then…..he had a funny feeling. Not a laugh out loud feeling – a strange, funny feeling…and the last thing he heard before it all went sideways was another inane comment from Alice, the CFO; “…and sales were sluggish again last week…” and POW!!

A drip formed on the tip of Doug’s nose and slid off onto his tie, which he noticed was already flowing like liquid into his lap. He watched as his fingers dissolved into sludge and his hands turn to pulp. He felt his hair and eyebrows melt, his skin go flubbery and sag and finally his whole head collapse into an eggy mess down his torso before everything sploshed down into a viscous puddle of goo around his shoes (which didn’t take part in the transformation for some reason).

Funny thing is, he doubted that anybody in the meeting even noticed what had happened. Perhaps everyone there was melting like him…but he doubted it…he could still hear Alice droning and Bob snoring.

***I think melting in meetings was the best part of working in corporate America, surpassed only by exploding like a hamster in a microwave just to see the mess all over everybody’s boring suit. Happy Spring everybody. -Marsha