***I’m always inspired when I see young people reading my book (or any book), even if it is while they’re in the toilet. My new book “Bludgeon the Clown” will, indeed, cheer you up when you’re feeling down – better than a year of psychotherapy in one neat 100 page package. OH!…and Happy New Year!!! -Marsha
Lester the Jester threw up his supper, emerging instead as a fool named Skupper who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob expelling another named Bob, who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile, appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle who stuck out his tongue and said with a leer “Happy Christmas to all and a Merry New Year.”
His dreams were frantic. She was always just out-of-reach and each time he caught a glimpse, she was further away than before as he chased her through the labyrinth of his anxiety. He KNEW he was only dreaming… he KNEW she lay right next to him, asleep…but he could neither escape any more than catch up to her. And as his heart broke apart and crumbled to pieces for the one he had loved unconditionally, he realized that these pathetic dreams were better than his reality. This was all he had left, so he relished in the chase each night…..for just one more night…and tried to remember all the good things they’d had for a few precious moments more…before she faded completely, leaving him alone in the labyrinth.
***My poor friend Balthazar lost his cat recently…well, she’s not missing – we’re not out searching or anything – I mean, he had a falling out with his precious Miss Fuzzy Britches a few weeks ago and hasn’t been able to patch things up. I wrote this little piece for them…though I don’t hold out much hope. Meanwhile, our new book is out; “Bludgeon the Clown.” It’s beautiful and awful and available by following the link at the top/right to our site; www.sallemander.com . -Marsha
When Mike rented his new place he’d never even tried a hot tub before. It wasn’t the feature that attracted him to the building. It was the two extra bedrooms – that would allow his grown kids to visit on holidays and between college semesters – that he liked most. Six months went by before he even tried it out, but when he did….it was gooood! In fact it felt wonderful…so relaxing, it took all his cares away.
He came back to it again and again and started making time, once a week, to soak in its warm embracing waters, gently massaging jets and steamy, soothing solace. Soon he found himself hopping in every day – even twice a day. A quick soak before the morning commute or a nice long one after the stress of a long day’s work became an absolute necessity. He felt an affinity for it bordering on affection. He lost himself in the comfort and imagined himself in the warm embrace of the womb.
“Mmmmmmm!” he said…..wait…did he just say that? Strange, his voice seemed unusually low today, must be the bathroom acoustics …yeah! He relaxed again and submitted, to the moist tongues of ecstasy lapping his exhausted body….. “OOOOOOH, SCRUMMMPTIOUS!” he said in a deep, slow baritone.
Mike’s eyes bugged out as he leapt from the tub, twisting and convulsing like a housewife covered in spiders. Aghast, he screamed, “What the…I didn’t say that!?!” “OOOOH….DON’T GO MY LITTLE LOLLIPOP…..COME BAAACK.” said the booming voice from the tub. “Huh?” was all he could manage, shaking and dripping on the tiles, “AAAAAAAW,” boomed his tub, “MY SAUSSSSAGE DUMMMPLING, MY SPICY LITTLE MEATBALLL…..COME BACK TO MEEEEEE…I COULD JUST EEEEEAT YOU UP!!!”
***The image above is “AGHAST” recently published in our newest book “Bludgeon the Clown.” Before that, it was loaned out as the cover to a book of flash-fiction entitled “Aghast” by Joe Del Priore (a VERY funny book and well worth reading). But it was originally commissioned by Analog Magazine for their Jan/Feb 2007 issue. This post was our 3rd post ever, from Oct., 2015. Follow the www.sallemander.com links above to find all of my books. -Marsha
***Oh thank God! We’ve been praying for this for a long time. The banning of our book finally came through. Not to be TOO cynical about it, but nothing helps spread good ideas, good art and important issues like telling God’s children they can’t have it. What a wonderful prize! This announcement is better than any prestigious book award (and far less expensive). None of our competitors has a church ban…ooooh, we are gonna be so rich! …but our ‘thoughts and prayers’ are with them. Meanwhile, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’ makes a terrific CHRISTMAS gift. -Marsha
Larry had no objection to toes. He never thought much about them, really. Sure, they help us to stand up straight and balance on two feet…but so what!? They’re just little nubbly things. They’re not sexy or cool like fingers (at least you can pick your nose and scratch your ass with fingers). Toes are shit. They make lousy ear rings, smell worse than ass crack and are too bony to eat (even sautéed in olive oil with mushrooms and onions) and they taste like chum, anyway.
So why?…..What’s the sense of growing one right out from the center of his forehead? How could he have gone to bed last night, feeling like a perfectly normal modern man (with hypertension, diabetes and chronic back pain) …and wake up the next morning with such bad luck? What kind of rotten cosmic karma did he upset for nature or god (or whatever) to decide to put a big gnarly, fully grown toe, right smack between his eyes?
Seriously though, wasn’t it bad enough that he already had a whole festering patch of them growing down his back?…..UGHHH!!! What’s the sense of it all!!?
***I’m pretty sure Larry isn’t the only one who wakes up every morning with awkward growths or nasty lumps. Some are easy to dispatch, others we just have to live with. But…all is not lost, the solution to all your woes can be found in the pages of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” You can find it by following the link above to www.sallemander.com. (This piece is reposted from June of last year.) -Marsha
I won! I am the richest man on Earth. I have more money than God! I’m not just the richest, though…I’m the winner! I am the inevitable culmination of centuries of unregulated capitalism. I own everything; All the money, all the gold, all the oil, the water, infrastructure, stocks, bonds, real estate – EVERYTHING!
The entire population of Earth, all 7 million, are my employees and tenants. Wait…did I say 7 million? No, there’s only 5.8 million as of this week…heck, I remember when there were 7 billion…but never mind that, they’re just little people. Losers! I won and they lost.
Too bad for them. Is it my fault they were born poor and unlucky, that they made bad life decisions, were unable to afford the finest education money could buy and had no inherited wealth with which to game the system? If God didn’t favor me he would not have made me so rich. That’s what makes me so much better than you.
The only question now is…What to do with it all? My only goal was to win…now what? I own ten thousand fishing yachts but the oceans are dead. I used to like the beach but they’re polluted now and storms have destroyed all the coastal cities. I used to hunt but there’s no wildlife, no more forests, either. Everything is desert and all the clouds are gone and I burn so easily…
But never mind all that…..I’m the winner! It must have been worth it, because I WON!!! I’m richer than you. I’m better than you and I won! So piss off!!…..and bring me a fresh canister of air! (gasp) I’m friggin’ suffocating over here…LOSER!!!
***It’s election day in NJ and this seemed like the perfect one to repost. Besides, the image, ‘Corporatism,’ has just been published in my new book “Bludgeon the Clown” (which you can buy if you follow the links to www.sallemander.com). Good luck picking the ‘lesser-of-two-evils’ again, I mean, it’s worked out perfectly so far….. -Marsha
BLUDGEON THE CLOWN
“Bludgeon the Clown” is a fully illustrated ‘graphic novel’ exposing the grizzly details of our ongoing, nationwide clown conspiracy and cover-up. The material in this book could irrevocably alter life as we know it (for the better)…unless we’re really careful. Written by Marsha Mellow (with over 100 illustrations by John Allemand), it is 100 pages, perfect bound, stiff cover, 8.5x11in. size – of candy-coated, yummy clown-infected goodness. Price $29.95
***Hooray!!! Our new book is finally out. It’s big, it’s beautiful, tastes great and smells like filthy blue-ish nose crystals dipped in spleen juice, slathered in gooey irony and deep fried to a crispy hubris. Check it out on our website (linked above), as well as Etsy and Amazon. BUT…even if clowns aren’t your thing, it makes the perfect gift for your most annoying in-laws – or that estranged sibling you only ever argue with on the holidays. -Marsha
Spindle the Clown was really old, so he went to Miami for rest but drank more vodka than he could hold and collapsed with a pain in his chest.
He died that night in his hotel suit but not before fouling his shorts and hurling his lunch from his chest to his feet in retching, heaving, snorts.
Nobody knew he was there, by chance, having very few friends, to be sure, and his room was paid for the month in advance with “DO NOT DISTURB!” on the door.
So his body sat in the heat to bloat and his organs turned to soup and flies laid eggs in his nose and throat and beetles infested his poop.
Rats and roaches came up through the shower, the odors were pungent and fresh and feasted on Spindle for 93 hours, stripping his bones of flesh.
When housekeeping finally entered the room, hardly a crumb remained. Spindle the Clown was completely gone, except for his creepy brain.
***We met Spindle the Clown a few years ago while researching death rituals among the Clown species. We spent a week documenting his demise – only to witness him defy death in the end. Sadly, his brain grew up to be a corporate banker…..very tragic. John insisted that we use this image for our first post (back in Oct., 2015) for some strange symbolism that only idiotic artists understand. Whatever! We’re recycling some of our old favorites while everyone is busy setting up our websites and shows to make our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” available for sale. Contact me through www.sallemander.com if you want an advance copy (only $29.95). -Marsha
Oh man…not again! They are NOT going to be ready for dinner. Why do they DO this? Every time I marinate the steaks, THEY treat it like a wild hot-tub party. They invite their weirdo friends – honey ham, sausage links and chicken thigh – and make a gigantic sloppy mess of the fridge. They drink all my cold beer, they turn my soft tortillas into soggy pulp, using them as towels, getting in and out of the sauce all day…and the Mariachi Brother’s Hot Sauce breaks most of the glass bottles, blasting their ‘Cha-cha-cha’ music! I can’t even describe what they’re doing to my poor hotdogs and fresh vegetables, eeeeeew, but they are NOT going anywhere near MY mouth after that! This has gotten to be a high steaks problem. Those steaks are LIT! They’re high as a kite…again!? UGH!!
***We finally have advance copies of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” We were able to have them in time for the Lehigh Valley Comic Con on Saturday…it was amazing!!! E-mail me through our website (www.sallemander.com) if you want a copy. It’s only $29.95, 100 pages of full color clown delight (horror), and it explains…everything. Meanwhile, we’re working on getting the book posted up on our ‘buy it’ page, as well as onto Etsy and Amazon. We’ll also have new 4x4in stickers and a bunch of new original prints for sale, asap. WOO-HOO!!! I’m so excited. -Marsha