Tag Archives: clowns

Book Festival

May 21, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Paranoia Smith was the most exhausting, obnoxious, insufferable, skate-punk, tattooed, cross dressing poseur I ever met at a book festival. Within a minute in this lunatic’s presence I wanted to rip off his head and crap down his neck. He babbled incessantly (when he wasn’t ‘rapping’ or screeching heavy metal lyrics) and his fake blonde goatee and dreadlocks smelled like a port-a-potty. He was one of those touchy-feely dudes who never let up. He had a finger puppet named Yak Feces who insisted on probing all of my facial orifices. And he simply could not convey any of his incomplete ‘ideas’ from a distance further than an inch from my nose with breath like the putrid steam at the edge of a volcano. He was a wild eyed maniac with no self control….actually dribbled chaw juice on my shoe, then apologized as he hosed it off with urine…..BUT, he just bought a copy of my ridiculous new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” and I love him for it. I think we could be brothers.

Oh no! Next in line was Lisa, an enormous middle aged woman in a teeny-tiny Sailor Moon costume with bits bulging from under her adorable skirt that I didn’t know women even had. I think her blue hair was her REAL hair. “Could you sign mine?” she croaked like Jabba the Hut…and I was grinning (as she pulled out exact change) too horrified to look away from…this beautiful, elegant creature who loves my book. I could have married her on the spot.

Next in line is…oh, sweet Jesus…..

***John and I brought our new book out to sell at the Gaithersburg Book Festival in Maryland last weekend. It rained…but it was brilliant. We met so many talented, decent, cool people – and artists – and vendors…What a great time – and you would not believe how many books we sold (my mother told me we should have brought more…). Wish you were there. -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction, Freaks

Freaky Uncle

May 7, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

We never spoke about Uncle Dixon. Our whole family tip-toed around the subject…but I could tell there were powerful feelings just under everybody’s skin. He was a horrible pariah. The black sheep of the family.

We kept him straight-jacketed in one of the padded cells in the catacombs below our cabin. He was never allowed out in the light of day (lest one of the neighbors spot him), only after midnight on stormy nights and always tightly chained, gagged and bound in one of those psycho metal hockey mask get-ups. He got wheeled around in a steel cage on a hand truck under constant, heavily armed guard.

As if that wasn’t bad enough…Uncle Dixon was never allowed to go wilding with the rest of the family, never allowed to invade homes, to rape and burn and shoot folks in the face with shotguns or dismember them with his best machete before skinning and roasting them on the Bar-B-Que for the family feast…..how sad and dull.

I felt bad for him. What possible meaning could his life have? I always wondered what awful thing he could have done to deserve such treatment – until I overheard Pappa Ripper telling old cousin Head-Stomper that Dixon was a pacifist, an atheist and… a vegetarian (whatever that was). He also said that he had NEVER murdered a baby in his whole life – actually refused to do it!!! Eeeeew! What a Freak!?!

***Every family has at least one crazy relative that makes Thanksgiving an unforgettable event, rivaling any ten episodes of The Jerry Springer Show….and worth 6 months of therapy. I think my illustrator, John, serves that role in his family. John’s illustration is from our new book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown.’ You need this book. It explains EVERYTHING! Find it at www.sallemander.com (links above) -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction, Freaks

Sundae the Clown

April 30, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

“Ohhh…its not so bad.” his wife told him with thinly veiled sarcasm. “You look absolutely delicious…..!” she smiled sardonically. But it was a hot summer day and he was melting on the spot. He wouldn’t last much longer.

Billy was so intent on pleasing his estranged wife (poor henpecked bastard) that he took her desire for an ice cream sundae too far and transmogrified himself into one, without considering the consequences. And still, as he slowly disintegrated into a sweet soupy mess, she would not favor him with her attentions – except to say, “Ugh! You know I don’t like pistachio…..!”

***The image is another piece from our new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks”. You can find it here at www.sallemander.com (or follow the link above). The story…is based on actual events. -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks

Lester the Jester

April 23, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Lester the Jester threw up his supper, emerging instead as a fool named Skupper who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob expelling another named Bob, who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile, appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle who turned to his mates and stuck out his tongue saying, “Better off here… than out Lester’s bung.”

***He must have eaten something funny. This is from our new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.” Buy the book. It will transform your life. Visit our website (find the link at the top of the page); www.sallemander.com -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, Flash Fiction

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

April 16, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Food was scarce. People were struggling. The war was taking it’s toll as there were shortages of everything from fuel to toilet paper to empathy. Rationing was severe and people were showing signs of stress. There was unemployment, hunger and daily violent protests against the corporate government who caused this blowback war after decades of capitalist conquest. There was no sign of improvement on the horizon and…..food was scarce.

Leon’s Bar and Grill, however, seemed to be an exception to the misery. Leon, the proprietor, had a brilliant (desperate) idea a few months back when he realized he had too many cooks in the kitchen and not enough food to serve. Seeing his business on the brink of failure, he did the only logical thing; He ‘fired’ all his cooks and took over in the kitchen personally. He posted a new menu featuring ‘Chef’s specials’ like Chef’s Stew, Chef Pot Pie and Roasted Leg of Chef. He fired them all… in the big convection oven (though a few got deep fried, stewed…or grilled…..and one guy got sautéed in a wok) and his business has been thriving ever since.

Funny thing, though…once he solved his cook problem, he settled an old issue with that annoying waitress, Marge and finally took care of that pesky neighborhood Clown who always annoyed his customers as they came and went.

These days, ‘Leon’s’ is the only establishment in town with a ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the window…and I hear the food’s really good.

***We thought a little cannibalism this week would be a welcome break from what has become the norm in America; Illegal war, torture, kidnapping, rape, assassination, terrorism, corruption, torture usury, inequality and a massive political freak show. Hmmmm…..eating people’s got nothin’ on Corporate America – bon appetit! (This is another page from our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” Find it – and buy it – by following the www.sallemander.com link above.) -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, Freaks

Jack in the Box

April 9, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Jack the Jester lived in a box ’cause he had no legs or feet and liked popping out of his box -SURPRISE!! -to frighten the children…NEAT! He loved young children most of all, so innocent, kind and sweet. The crunchier ones always tasted best but the chubby ones had more meat.

***This is “Jack in the Box,” an image and rhyme from my first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks,” find it and buy it at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, robot, Sci-Fi

Jonny Bot 5

April 2, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Jonny Bot 5 got horny and hot for a high fashion mannequin girl (who did NOT!). Classy and fine, Jonny loved her a lot, she turned up her nose…a high minded snot. He brought wild flow’rs by the bunch, by the pot, tried candy, tried gems, read poems – what ROT! But kindness in turn Jonny 5 never got, not an ounce, not a peck, not even a jot. Tried…..and tried ’till his brains were quite shot until finally…Jonny went cold……and forgot.

***This is an image and poem from my new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” which you can buy if you follow the links, above, to my website www.sallemander.com. When we met Jonny Bot 5 he was already retired from the department store and well beyond his bad marriage with the mannequin…but was now engaged in a sordid online sex thing with Siri the phone chick…it was…well, lets just say ‘I wish I could un-see some things.’ I think John got some good sketches of them during the interview but our publisher (EEW Books) censored them. -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks

Mulligan

March 26, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

There once was a Clown who fell in his glass who went by the name of Mulligan. He drank it all down before he passed… but when he woke up it was full again.

***The thing to understand about Clowns here, is that they can transmute their body fluids. I met one fellow who could drink lemonade and piss grape soda. Another Clown turned red wine into pure maple syrup. Some can do different flavors depending on their mood. Mulligan usually pissed single malt whiskey when he was feeling sassy but could only manage a weak mimosa when he was glum. Clowns are SO fascinating… I even saw one cheeky freak squeeze cherry ice cubes from vodka…OUCH!!! This is a page from my first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.” Follow the links above to www.sallemander.com…and buy it! -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks

Niggle the Clown

March 19, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

I once had a Jester named Niggle ooze from my nostril and wiggle. With a grunt and a hack, I snorted him back but he dribbled back out with a giggle.

***This extraordinary piece of highbrow literature is featured in my new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” on sale now (follow the link above to www.sallemander.com). I don’t actually remember writing this horrible little rhyme (though it amuses the hell out of John…), but Niggle was a little jerk who made a runny, sniffly nuisance of himself on a ten hour flight to Dusseldorf – with no tissues. When I finally managed to snag him on a fingernail I took immense pleasure in kneading him between two fingers until he dried up and stopped screaming. He is now a permanent smear in the booger graveyard under seat #22F on flight 1134. -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction

It’s Not About You…

January 9, 2018 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

“It’s not about you…” she said in her kindest, most sincere tone, “Really. You’re fine. I’m really okay with it…it’s just that, I think…I’m in a different place in my life right now…” She smiled, looking away, trying to remember some of her gentlest brush-offs as a bead of sweat began it’s descent on the back of her neck…..even as frustration and indignation came up in her bile. “Oh, to HELL with it! I can’t DO this! Listen…you seemed like a nice, normal person and all, but JESUS effin’ CHRIST!! Your dating profile NEVER said anything about THAT!!! I mean, come ON!” She pulled up her boot zipper, buttoned the top button on her blue jeans and grabbed her rumpled jacket off the floor as she made for the bedroom door… “You might have warned me at some point during dinner!” She was really hollering now. “Seriously? I had to wait until we both undressed to find out about…..THAT?!?” She slammed the door, making the whole room shudder, and with one final “AAAAAUGHHH!!!!! FRIGGIN’ FREAK SHOW!!” she stomped out.

***Jeeeezz! If I had a nickel for every time that happened….. -Marsha