***This sketch was done for the intro to our new book, “Body-Oddies,” which is plodding along through the publisher’s process. We don’t really mind. Frankly there’s no rush to get it done right now – in 2020. There are no viable markets (including online) to introduce it into until the pandemic subsides a bit. But, for me and my illustrator, John, there are several brilliant projects to get done and some amazing creative time available do them, so let it plod through the publisher’s, and when we get back to selling (next year), we’ll have more to offer a wider audience! -Marsha
Lester the Jester threw up his supper, emerging instead as a fool named Skupper who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob expelling another named Bob, who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile, appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle who turned to his mates and stuck out his tongue saying, “Better off here… than out Lester’s bung.”
***He ate something funny. This is from our first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.” Buy the book. It will transform your life! Find all our books at our Etsy shop (search EEWbooks), or visit our website (find the link at the top of the page); www.sallemander.com -Marsha
When she fell, face first, with and grunt and a thudd,
the state of her health was precarious,
but staggering up, encrusted with mud…
the look on her face was hilarious!
***This will be in our next book, “Body-Oddies” (which will be done soon), although it may end up being a completely different version – both the rhyme and the image. This is one of my favorites. I can’t count the number of times I’ve resembled this. Find and buy all our books and stuff at our Etsy shop, search EEWbooks. Thanks! -Marsha
***Here’s the last in our series of ‘Food Art.’ No short story, no whimsical rhyme, just one of the sketches for the new “Body-Oddies” book – which is nearly done. There’s no need for any of that other crap for this one anyway. Find us at www.etsy.com, search: EEWbooks, and buy all our other illustrated books and stuff. -Marsha
Santa Claws really likes children. He loves when they sit on his lap. He always invites his favorite to lunch with a snip and a snickety snap! He loves them with soup, loves them with rice and sautéed with wine is fun. He loves them roasted in gravy and yams or with mustard and cheese on a bun.
***I stole the poem from an older post to use here. The image of Baby Food will be in our next illustrated book, “Body-Oddies” (which should be ready for Christmas. We’re still experimenting with ‘Food Art’. It’s week 3 and the results are mediocre. People on social media are still more impressed with John’s loopy food photos than his art. I asked him about it yesterday to see how he felt…he shrugged as if he’d already forgotten about it and said, “It’s Facebook, who cares any way?!” Meanwhile, buy our amazing illustrated books. Find them at www.etsy.com and search: EEWbooks. -Marsha
When I was a kid, my mother offered to make me ‘Finger Sandwiches’ for lunch. She was (batty) always saying weird stuff like that, but this time was different. She was serious, and actually started preparing them in the kitchen while I was still trying to wrap my head around the idea. Who the heck EATS that kind of thing? Who’s fingers were they?…and why would anybody put them on a sandwich? What!! Did we run out of salami and peanut butter? But, when she finally got me to try one, I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed. It tasted like plain old sour cream and cucumber with chives and mayonnaise. No meat? No bones? No finger nails? What the HECK!?! It wasn’t until I was well into puberty that I realized that different parts of the body had different cravings and appetites. Still, I could never understand the appeal of ‘Baby Food’ or ‘Arm Candy,’ and the only thing ‘Food for Thought’ ever seemed to produce was an overabundance of ‘Head Cheese,’ which is nauseating to think about in any context. Do you really want a ‘Hand Shake?’…are you SICK??? When I finally met these guys (above), on their lunch break, a few years ago, I suddenly understood it all. I felt like everything in the universe had fallen right into place and it now made perfect sense…sorta.
***I’m messing about, here, with a rough draft for the opening/intro of our new book, “Body-Oddies.” It’s also the second post in our ‘Food Art’ series, to see if people can be enticed into liking SKETCHES of weird food as much as they like photos of the weird food that John (the illustrator) actually makes. So far it’s not going so well. People still seem to prefer real food images. A version of this image, “Finger Sandwiches,” will definitely be in the book. Meanwhile, you can find and buy all our illustrated books and merch at www.etsy.com (search: EEWbooks). -Marsha
Hans discovered that he could speak with a bear who turned up in his flat last week, as once he got past his initial dread, he understood all that he said. They hit it right off, like lickety-split, just laughing and joking and shootin’ the shit… ’till the bear got hungry and ate his head and now poor Hans is dead.
Not Again…
“Oh man…not again.” said Francis under his breath, as Martin, his room-mate, stood over him, drooling.
His attack was so swift that Francis barely had time to flinch before being stuffed forcibly into Martin’s toothy maw and swallowed whole.
Francis knew he had a little time to think before the digestive process of Martin, who was a fully grown polar bear, kicked into gear, pushed him along it’s hour-long journey, and shat him out again. And really, what had begun as a quiet time for meditation was slowly turning sour as he wondered, more and more, if this little trip was really worth it.
He acknowledged that this WAS in his rental agreement, but seriously! When would Martin develop some self control with his munchies and go make himself a peanut butter sandwich or something? Everybody knew how bad the housing market was, and it was only getting worse, but this ‘fantastic journey’ through the body of a giant circus performer, twice a week, was really not worth affordable rent. He’d had some horrible roommate’s before, but this one was starting to take the cake…uh oh…here we go….. “Yeaaahhhhgh!!!” PFLOOP! “Oooooh, yuck!
***A version of this illustration was originally commissioned in B/W for a story in Analog Magazine back in 2008. It was slated to be republished in ourBludgeon the Clown book with the poem about Hans, but the publisher cut it…it was perfectly good, but not for THAT project. Now, along with a new short flash-fiction story (inspired by the art), it has been published in our new book, A Short Burst. You can find ALL our books at our Etsy shop by going to www.etsy.com and searching EEWbooks. -Marsha
Castigear stood among the stones with his imaginary friend, Joe. Joe was distraught at the loss of his other i-friend, Lucy. She broke while Castigear was playing with her. He ‘might’ have been handling her a little too rough and…..she just broke. He felt a little sad about her. He didn’t want to tell Joe what he’d done, he knew it would hurt his feelings and he liked Joe. He decided to replace Lucy with a new imaginary friend at his earliest opportunity.
These human companions were so fragile…but he was learning so much from them (evolving). He was hooked. It was like an addiction. His peers thought the i-friend program was below their dignity. Most agreed that the last of the humans should be put down but Castigear knew that most of THEM kept their own i-friends – secretly. It would have been a shame to exterminate ALL of them after the war. True, they wasted a lot of resources (like the graveyard they were standing in) but they were clever and highly adaptable and he suspected they might be the key to the future of Robot kind…and either way, with proper conditioning, they made excellent servants and…..soldiers.
***I’m always amazed at the unique perspective our sentient machine friends have on humanity. No one articulates the condition of slavery better. A version of this illustration was first published in the January 2007 issue of Analog Magazine. This flash-fiction short was first posted here in Feb., 2016. You can read it and more like it in our latest book, “A Short Burst” which is available for sale by following the links above to www.sallemander.com. or go right to our Etsy shop at www.etsy.com and search EEWbooks. -Marsha
Jonny Bot 5 got horny and hot for a high fashion mannequin girl (who did NOT!). Classy and fine, Jonny loved her a lot, she turned up her nose…a high minded snot. He brought wild flow’rs by the bunch, by the pot, tried candy, tried gems, read poems – what ROT! But kindness in turn Jonny 5 never got, not an ounce, not a peck, not even a jot. Tried…..and tried ’till his brains were quite shot until finally…Jonny went cold……and forgot.
***This image and poem is from our book, “Bludgeon the Clown” (buy it by following the links, above, to my site www.sallemander.com). When we met Jonny Bot 5 he was already retired from the department store and well beyond his bad marriage with the mannequin…but was now engaged in a sordid online sex thing with Siri the phone chick…it was…well, lets just say ‘I wish I could un-see some things.’ I think John got some good sketches of them during the interview but our publisher (EEW Books) censored all but this one. -Marsha
***”Escape” is another tiny swatch from a page in our first book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks.” No silly story or poetry, we’re too busy getting our next book finished to post that shit…BUT, you can check out all our amazing books and stuff at etsy.com (search EEWbooks), or follow the links. -Marsha
