Tag Archives: bizarre

Freaky Uncle

May 7, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

We never spoke about Uncle Dixon. Our whole family tip-toed around the subject…but I could tell there were powerful feelings just under everybody’s skin. He was a horrible pariah. The black sheep of the family.

We kept him straight-jacketed in one of the padded cells in the catacombs below our cabin. He was never allowed out in the light of day (lest one of the neighbors spot him), only after midnight on stormy nights and always tightly chained, gagged and bound in one of those psycho metal hockey mask get-ups. He got wheeled around in a steel cage on a hand truck under constant, heavily armed guard.

As if that wasn’t bad enough…Uncle Dixon was never allowed to go wilding with the rest of the family, never allowed to invade homes, to rape and burn and shoot folks in the face with shotguns or dismember them with his best machete before skinning and roasting them on the Bar-B-Que for the family feast…..how sad and dull.

I felt bad for him. What possible meaning could his life have? I always wondered what awful thing he could have done to deserve such treatment – until I overheard Pappa Ripper telling old cousin Head-Stomper that Dixon was a pacifist, an atheist and… a vegetarian (whatever that was). He also said that he had NEVER murdered a baby in his whole life – actually refused to do it!!! Eeeeew! What a Freak!?!

***Every family has at least one crazy relative that makes Thanksgiving an unforgettable event, rivaling any ten episodes of The Jerry Springer Show….and worth 6 months of therapy. I think my illustrator, John, serves that role in his family. John’s illustration is from our new book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown.’ You need this book. It explains EVERYTHING! Find it at www.sallemander.com (links above) -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, robot, Sci-Fi

Jonny Bot 5

April 2, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Jonny Bot 5 got horny and hot for a high fashion mannequin girl (who did NOT!). Classy and fine, Jonny loved her a lot, she turned up her nose…a high minded snot. He brought wild flow’rs by the bunch, by the pot, tried candy, tried gems, read poems – what ROT! But kindness in turn Jonny 5 never got, not an ounce, not a peck, not even a jot. Tried…..and tried ’till his brains were quite shot until finally…Jonny went cold……and forgot.

***This is an image and poem from my new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” which you can buy if you follow the links, above, to my website www.sallemander.com. When we met Jonny Bot 5 he was already retired from the department store and well beyond his bad marriage with the mannequin…but was now engaged in a sordid online sex thing with Siri the phone chick…it was…well, lets just say ‘I wish I could un-see some things.’ I think John got some good sketches of them during the interview but our publisher (EEW Books) censored them. -Marsha

Flash Fiction, Freaks, Sci-Fi

Goblin

February 12, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Don’t look at me like that! I always knew he was a Goblin. He made no secret of it. I thought he was kinda hot…in that greenish, warty way – with his long, sharp tusks and rancid smell of rotting puppies. Turns out we have a lot in common – HAH!!…not what you’re thinking (my tusks are neither long nor sharp). Really though, both of us have always had terrible luck in romance with our own species. Why, just yesterday he confided to me that despite my incredible human ugliness, I was so much better than any ogress he’d ever had (so adorable)…and I had to admit the same. Intellectually, we’re a perfect match. He loves my awful Clown poetry and I love when he stomps about smashing things with a fat gnarly club – while we both hate smartass intellectuals and have a kinky thing for exotic firearms…..aaaaaah, true love at last.

***This should, in no way, be construed as a true story (and you better keep your damned mouth shut Delia, you weren’t even there!). The illustration was first used in 2013 by Surprising Stories DCWI (an online sci-fi magazine)…and HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!! -Marsha

Flash Fiction, Freaks, Sci-Fi

A Stranger’s Fleeting Glance

February 5, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

He was lonely. He saw her on a crisp Tuesday morning as he got on the train. She gave him just a fleeting glance…but he was lonely and it was enough. She was attractive. His mind wandered after her all day….no, it raced!

He saw her the following Thursday. She smiled at him (he thought) and he lost himself again in sweet daydreams full of romance.

He was lonely.

Two days later, in a light snow, he saw her drop a glove without noticing. He got there first and took it to her…she thanked him in a voice like pure milk chocolate. He was SO lonely. He dreamed of them holding hands on the beach, of spooning by the fire, of marriage and contentment. She was so nice…so perfect…

Monday night was a late night at work – a late train home – a late walk through the park toward his lonely apartment building. He saw her standing in the cold. She greeted him with a warm smile. They spoke together quietly. His fatigue melted into a pool of elation…anticipation…happiness. This was his moment! She was so much more wonderful than he ever dreamed. He asked her to join him for a drink – perhaps dinner – sometime? She smiled as she reached elegantly into her purse…pulled out an exotic handgun and forcibly inserted the barrel into his left nostril. And as she fleeced him of his wallet, cash and remaining self esteem, she melted into a screaming demon harpy…..and shot him in both kneecaps before she walked away.

He never saw her again but his loneliness wasn’t much of an issue for a long while after.

***Aaaaaaaah! There’s nothing like a bit of romance to soothe those lonely winter nights. This little piece sums it all up neatly for people in our modern society. Some writers waste volumes to come to the same conclusion about relationships. John’s image was first published in the November 2013 issue of Analog Magazine. This is reposted from 2 years ago to warn you away from pathetic Valentines Day dreams. -Marsha

Flash Fiction, Freaks, Sci-Fi

How Do I Look?

January 29, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Nothing actually happened for a solid fifteen minutes after Eddie drank the formula. He turned to us (once again) with a forlorn look and asked, “Any change yet? How do I look?”

We knew he was crazy. He was one of those people: perpetually dissatisfied, determined to prove that he was ‘special’. He wanted fame, popularity, success (despite being an already brilliant scientist) and he was driven…you know, crazy…AND he had full use of the company’s laboratory. He had access to all the good stuff too; plasma reactor, laser diffractional transmogrifier, crazy glue – not to mention ebola, thermite and flu vaccine…and I think our awkward, mild mannered (crazy) Eddie used all of it on this new batch.

By the sixteenth minute, everything changed and Eddie’s fondest wish was realized. He began mutating wildly, spreading outward in every direction, emitting the strangest squeaking moan. He shook, twisted and bloated. He grew tendrils, sprouted claws and screeched Latin gibberish from three of his seven worm-haired monkey faces as horns emerged from his leathery spine. He puffed a sweet yellow smoke, shed tufts of pink fur and dribbled buckets of gooey puss. He was a frightful sight…but he was just sooooo excited we didn’t have the heart to terminate him.

When he finally slowed and stabilized, he turned all of his seventeen eyes-on-a-stalk to us and in a clever series of musical farts, he asked, “Okay!…How do I look now?”

***This brings me right back to my days writing side-effects disclaimers for big Pharma…and Eddie helped me come up with some doozies. He’s still alive and well and the subject of great intrigue at a secret government laboratory in Nevada. I think the locals refer to it as “a sighting” every time he manages to get out for a stroll. John’s image was his very first cover for Asimov’s Science Fiction Magazine (Jan. 2003). This is reposted from around this time in 2016…another good old one to wear away the winter days. -Marsha

Flash Fiction, robot, Sci-Fi

Imaginary Friend

January 22, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Castigear stood among the stones with his imaginary friend, Joe. Joe was distraught at the loss of his other i-friend, Lucy. She broke while Castigear was playing with her. He ‘might’ have been handling her a little too rough and…..she just broke. He felt a little sad about her. He didn’t want to tell Joe what he’d done, he knew it would hurt his feelings and he liked Joe. He decided to replace Lucy with a new imaginary friend at his earliest opportunity.

These human companions were so fragile…but he was learning so much from them (evolving). He was hooked. It was like an addiction. His peers thought the i-friend program was below their dignity. Most agreed that the last of the humans should be put down but Castigear knew that most of THEM kept their own i-friends – secretly. It would have been a shame to exterminate ALL of them after the war. True, they wasted a lot of resources (like the graveyard they were standing in) but they were clever and highly adaptable and he suspected they might be the key to the future of Robot kind…and either way, with proper conditioning, they made excellent servants and…..soldiers.

***I’m always amazed at the unique perspective our sentient machine friends have on humanity. No one articulates the condition of slavery better. John and I are working on a special project to bring more robot voices to the mainstream. This illustration was first published in the January 2007 issue of Analog Magazine. This piece was first posted in Feb., 2016. Our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” is out and available for sale by following the links above to www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Flash Fiction, robot, Sci-Fi

Circling The Issue

January 16, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The Issue was listing badly in a failing orbit around Jupiter. She was dead in the water and her distress signal cut out abruptly on our approach. She was a heavy freighter loaded with uranium ore, bound for the refineries on Mars and long overdue…something didn’t feel right.

We circled The Issue slowly about ten miles out – but with our engines hot in case it was a trap. There were raiders in this sector who often used derelicts to stage their attacks. There was no response to my hail, no wi-fi, no beams…no strobes. Sensors showed cold engines and no (human) life signs. I found a weird glitch in the data, something unrecognizable….but not enough to put the crew off their prize. The salvage on The Issue would make every man on board filthy rich. I was the only one still arguing for caution but none of the men wanted the opinion of someone like me. I was property and was not entitled to a share anyway.

When the Captain (despite my misgivings) gave the order to board, we moved in and docked with reckless abandon. A combat team stood at the ready as I popped the air lock. They made me go first. They always made the android go first. I was the most expendable…expensive but not valuable.

And…as I swung the hatch open, a sudden violent flood of spidery greenish critters swarmed through the airlock by the hundreds. I guess I didn’t taste good because they left me alone and flowed past me, devouring the crew as they went. I waited. It took them 19 minutes to scour the ship from bow to stern and I listened to each and every man screaming his last – the men who treated me like shit for two solid years – the men who sneered at my warnings.

I waited…to see what this NEW crew had to offer. It couldn’t be any worse than the last one…..this could be interesting…

***I thought this would be a good piece to re-post in the bitter cold of January doldrums. We’re pretty busy during our hibernation; I’m designing a set of 10 greeting cards and 4 postcards for the spring shows while John is illustrating a children’s book and doing final art for our next book. John’s sketch for this post was originally published in the May 2006 issue of Analog Magazine for a story by Edward M. Lerner. -Marsha

body-oddies, Clowns

Santa Claws

December 19, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

***I found this in one of John the illustrator’s discard files while looking for images to attach to my wonderful flash-stories. I absolutely love it. It will be perfect for this week’s post – the last week before Christmas, there’s just something a little ‘off’ about this one, though…I just can’t put my finger on it… Oh well, Merry Christmas everybody!!!…go to our site and buy our books. -Marsha

Flash Fiction, Political

Faith, in Brand Name Products

December 12, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The worms had invested several generations in this project. They were steadfast and intrepid. It took months to meticulously scour every inch of the box to find flaws in the smooth laminate – the tiniest gaps in the seal – then year upon year of boring , rotting and tunneling through hard woods and glues. They had never met Faith…had no idea what kind of person she was, but from the quality of her box, they trusted that she had taste…was tasteful. (Tasty?)

The worms celebrated their first breakthrough as a holiday. It was a momentous achievement. A pauper’s box was easy to tap but was quickly overrun by poachers, a rich person’s box, though a major endeavor, was a rich prize. The worms took time to reflect and remember their forebears who began this campaign with such hope and ambition. It was good to be a worm and sure to get better…

…But, when they finally breached Faith’s inner cavern, they were appalled at the stench. It wasn’t the tasteful (rotten) odor of a well fed, well groomed lady, whose conquest would fill their bellies as much as their pride, it was the vile reek of toxins…death to worms. They found Faith, in brand name products.

She was slathered in chemical cosmetics, pumped full of formaldehyde, lead and mercury and her flesh, saturated with food additives and preservatives. She had fake hair, fake nails, fake boobs, lips and joints. She looked as perfectly pickled now as the day she was buried…but for the worms, Faith was completely inedible. Disconsolate and defeated, they turned away wondering what the modern world was coming to.

***Some would qualify Faith, with all her enhancements, as a “cyborg” (how exciting!). However, the products which enhanced her beauty also shortened her life. Oh, but never mind that! I’m sure she’s been looking up at her corpse this past decade, quite proud of its everlasting glamour. As to the worms, I’m afraid there isn’t much hope. Perseverance and integrity don’t count for much any more. Meanwhile, today’s graveyards are tomorrow’s superfund sites. This image is published in our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” as the ‘Chapter 6: Death’ page illo. It was originally our 21st post from Feb., 2016. Good luck Christmas shopping…try not to poison your children. -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction, Freaks

What’s The Sense of it All?

November 14, 2017 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Larry had no objection to toes. He never thought much about them, really. Sure, they help us to stand up straight and balance on two feet…but so what!? They’re just little nubbly things. They’re not sexy or cool like fingers (at least you can pick your nose and scratch your ass with fingers). Toes are shit. They make lousy ear rings, smell worse than ass crack and are too bony to eat (even sautéed in olive oil with mushrooms and onions) and they taste like chum, anyway.

So why?…..What’s the sense of growing one right out from the center of his forehead? How could he have gone to bed last night, feeling like a perfectly normal modern man (with hypertension, diabetes and chronic back pain) …and wake up the next morning with such bad luck? What kind of rotten cosmic karma did he upset for nature or god (or whatever) to decide to put a big gnarly, fully grown toe, right smack between his eyes?

Seriously though, wasn’t it bad enough that he already had a whole festering patch of them growing down his back?…..UGHHH!!! What’s the sense of it all!!?

***I’m pretty sure Larry isn’t the only one who wakes up every morning with awkward growths or nasty lumps. Some are easy to dispatch, others we just have to live with. But…all is not lost, the solution to all your woes can be found in the pages of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” You can find it by following the link above to www.sallemander.com. (This piece is reposted from June of last year.) -Marsha