Category Archives: fragment

Flash Fiction, fragment, robot, Sci-Fi

Without a Clue

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Without a Clue-43 

Cornelius lost his head…just went completely off.  One moment he was calm, cool and collected, the next – frantic and frustrated.  He had no idea where he left the darned thing.  It was gone without a clue.  Sometimes he left it somewhere he wanted to remember to return to later (which was smart, right?) but couldn’t remember where it was later without his head.  Some times it just rolled off and bounced away on its own.  Somebody said he should get it fixed… but it wasn’t broken.  That’s just the way he was.  Besides, what would all the others say if HIS head was permanent…but what does everybody else do when they lose theirs?  Oh phoooey!!  Permanent heads…..that’s just crazy, it just isn’t done!

***This image was originally published in Analog Magazine, Sept., 2006.  My short, flash-fiction fragment is good for keeping my twitter friends comfortable.  Long posts make them skiddish.  You can find my first 3 books by following the link, above, to www.sallemander.com.  -Marsha 

Clowns, Flash Fiction, fragment, Freaks

Labyrinth

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      His dreams were frantic.  She was always just out-of-reach and each time he caught a glimpse, she was further away than before as he chased her through the labyrinth of his anxiety.  He KNEW he was only dreaming…  he KNEW she lay right next to him, asleep…but he could neither escape any more than catch up to her.  And as his heart broke apart and crumbled to pieces for the one he had loved unconditionally, he realized that these pathetic dreams were better than his reality.  This was all he had left, so he relished in the chase each night…..for just one more night…and tried to remember all the good things they’d had for a few precious moments more…before she faded completely, leaving him alone in the labyrinth.

***My poor friend Balthazar lost his cat recently…well, she’s not missing – we’re not out searching or anything – I mean, he had a falling out with his precious Miss Fuzzy Britches a few weeks ago and hasn’t been able to patch things up.  I wrote this little piece for them…though I don’t hold out much hope.  Meanwhile, our new book is out; “Bludgeon the Clown.”  It’s beautiful and awful and available by following the link at the top/right to our site;  www.sallemander.com .  -Marsha

Flash Fiction, fragment, Freaks, Sci-Fi

Aghast

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When Mike rented his new place he’d never even tried a hot tub before. It wasn’t the feature that attracted him to the building. It was the two extra bedrooms – that would allow his grown kids to visit on holidays and between college semesters – that he liked most. Six months went by before he even tried it out, but when he did….it was gooood! In fact it felt wonderful…so relaxing, it took all his cares away.

He came back to it again and again and started making time, once a week, to soak in its warm embracing waters, gently massaging jets and steamy, soothing solace. Soon he found himself hopping in every day – even twice a day. A quick soak before the morning commute or a nice long one after the stress of a long day’s work became an absolute necessity. He felt an affinity for it bordering on affection. He lost himself in the comfort and imagined himself in the warm embrace of the womb.

     “Mmmmmmm!” he said…..wait…did he just say that? Strange, his voice seemed unusually low today, must be the bathroom acoustics …yeah! He relaxed again and submitted, to the moist tongues of ecstasy lapping his exhausted body….. “OOOOOOH, SCRUMMMPTIOUS!” he said in a deep, slow baritone.

Mike’s eyes bugged out as he leapt from the tub, twisting and convulsing like a housewife covered in spiders. Aghast, he screamed, “What the…I didn’t say that!?!” “OOOOH….DON’T GO MY LITTLE LOLLIPOP…..COME BAAACK.” said the booming voice from the tub. “Huh?” was all he could manage, shaking and dripping on the tiles, “AAAAAAAW,” boomed his tub, “MY SAUSSSSAGE DUMMMPLING, MY SPICY LITTLE MEATBALLL…..COME BACK TO MEEEEEE…I COULD JUST EEEEEAT YOU UP!!!”

***The image above is “AGHAST” recently published in our newest book “Bludgeon the Clown.”  Before that, it was loaned out as the cover to a book of flash-fiction entitled “Aghast” by Joe Del Priore (a VERY funny book and well worth reading).  But it was originally commissioned by Analog Magazine for their Jan/Feb 2007 issue.  This post was our 3rd post ever, from Oct., 2015.  Follow the www.sallemander.com links above to find all of my books.   -Marsha

Flash Fiction, fragment, Sci-Fi

Just Pretend You’re One of Them

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Captain’s Log: Oct. 31, 2017, 4:16 pm. Earth time.

Oh my…this is going to be SO easy!  All that hard work preparing costumes and disguises for this mission…..completely unnecessary.  Just look at this place.  The natives here are CRAZY!  All day since we landed they’ve been running around dressed up in outrageous costumes, as monsters and zombies and hookers and well…even aliens.  I think we’re gonna fit in here, just fine.  But hooo-boy, when I get back home, I’m going to tear the advanced team a new one.  Their intelligence reports painted such a boring, conservative picture of this species…SHEEESH, were they wrong!?  Why, just now I saw a tiny little demon girl approaching our safe-house door…..hang on…’DING—DONG!’…..”Trick or treat!!!”

***John’s illustration was originally published in the October 2014 issue of Analog Magazine for a story by Joyce and Stanley Schmidt.  Stan is an old friend and was the editor of Analog for about 3 decades.  You can find their orig. story in the archives at analogsf.com.  This was originally posted on Halloween in 2015 (my 4th post ever), but most of you will have missed it.   Happy Halloween!  -Marsha 

Flash Fiction, fragment

A High Steaks Problem

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Oh man…not again!  They are NOT going to be ready for dinner.  Why do they DO this?  Every time I marinate the steaks, THEY treat it like a wild hot-tub party.  They invite their weirdo friends – honey ham, sausage links and chicken thigh – and make a gigantic sloppy mess of the fridge.  They drink all my cold beer, they turn my soft tortillas into soggy pulp, using them as towels, getting in and out of the sauce all day…and the Mariachi Brother’s Hot Sauce breaks most of the glass bottles, blasting their ‘Cha-cha-cha’ music!  I can’t even describe what they’re doing to my poor hotdogs and fresh vegetables, eeeeeew, but they are NOT going anywhere near MY mouth after that!  This has gotten to be a high steaks problem.  Those steaks are LIT!  They’re high as a kite…again!?  UGH!!

***We finally have advance copies of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.”  We were able to have them in time for the Lehigh Valley Comic Con on Saturday…it was amazing!!!  E-mail me through our website (www.sallemander.com) if you want a copy.  It’s only $29.95, 100 pages of full color clown delight (horror), and it explains…everything.  Meanwhile, we’re working on getting the book posted up on our ‘buy it’ page, as well as onto Etsy and Amazon.  We’ll also have new 4x4in stickers and a bunch of new original prints for sale, asap.  WOO-HOO!!!  I’m so excited.  -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, fragment

The Common Clown

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 Book Excerpt

The Common Clown

Common clowns are often disregarded as low bred buffoons.  They are, in fact a surprisingly talented, hard working lot, although, for much of what they do, it hardly matters whether they’re ‘real clowns’ or not…and most people can’t tell.  Many have families and live in homes like regular folks.  Despite being the most steady and conservative of the species, they take the brunt of people’s fear and hatred and bigotry – as they are also the most recognized as clowns.  I encountered some heavy drinkers, rabble-rousers, dysfunctional lovers and one or two creepy invitations to get into a van for some free ice cream…but most were essentially harmless.

***This is the 4th of 4 in the series which originally had 6, but the other two were nixed from “Bludgeon the Clown” and repurposed earlier.  The intro to the book simply took a different (better) direction as we hammered and honed it into shape.  Now John is stuck in the new offices of EEW Books, finalizing the page layouts piece by piece.  This book is gonna be a dooozy when it’s done.  -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, fragment

The Jester

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 Book Excerpt

The Jester

The jester of today doesn’t (often) look this way anymore.  The ‘jester’ best represents the incredible influence clown culture has had on human art, music, literature, (engineering) and especially fashion.  Jesters are considered dangerous and subversive for inspiring creativity, craftsmanship and integrity.  While they often blend in with intellectuals, they are easily exploited by the corporate aristocracy.  Jesters have integrated with humankind more effectively than any other species of clown, though, many have no idea of their unique heritage.

Book Exerpt, Clowns, fragment

The Hobo

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 Book Excerpt

The HOBO

This poor, pathetic fellow has fallen completely out of favor with the public since the death of the American dream.  The hobo, once a celebrated icon of pop culture, is now despised by people taking heavy losses in the corporate class war and the ever widening income gap.  Too many people, who have fallen short of their parent’s success and have no hope for their own children, already resemble hobos…and don’t think they’re funny any more.  These days it is illegal for them to appear in public in many American cities.

***Yes, this is the next in a series of pages that were eliminated from the ‘Introduction’ my new book, “Bludgeon the Clown,” by the publisher.  It was a perfectly good illustration and blurb, but its point and purpose in the book was better illustrated with better material…I can hardly wait to show you.  Meanwhile, I can only share the juicy rejects…  Next week: The Jester.  -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, fragment

The Mime

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Book Excerpt

The Mime

I tried to interview several of these snooty ‘French’ creatures before the government started rounding them up with the ‘Muslims.’  I could neither distract, nor get a peep out of one, they ignored every question with expressionless contempt.  When I finally stormed off in righteous indignation, I tripped on an invisible rope and chipped a tooth on the edge of an invisible box…while their silent laughter danced up and down my spine.  There aren’t too many mimes around any more (’cause they’re A-holes) but John likes them.

***This one is part of a whole section of work nixed from my “Bludgeon the Clown” book by the editors at EEW Books.  It saddens me but still makes a good blog post.  -Marsha 

body-oddies, Flash Fiction, fragment

Fish Ed

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I woke up unconscious.  My aching head smelled funny.  There was something sticky between my cheek and the cold shelf in the refrigerator.  “Eat me!” demanded the chicken, “I taste great! Why…I taste like chicken!  Everybody loves chicken.”  He was hard to take seriously without a head – his neck hole made him lisp.  “Eat ME!!” he yelled again.

But the egg was just as bold: “NO!  Eat me!” and raising his eyebrows suggestively, with a sexy-baby voice, he said, “I’m young.  I’m soft.  You can do ANYTHING to meeee…fry me, poach me, slather me in mayonnaise… Mmmmmm!  I’m delicious!”  He grinned.

“Don’t listen to HIM!” said Chicken.  “I’m delicious with mayo too…and you LOVE barbeque and I have…”

   “WHUMP!!!”

I slammed the fridge.  I could see that the jelly was already awake and I always hated talking to her.  Besides, the guacamole was poised, just waiting for his chance to interrupt and frankly, my aching brain could not handle whatever the leftover stromboli had to say – with his nauseating salami and jalapeño breath…..and what was that funny smell?  Was that fish?  I don’t like fish.  “Hey buddy,” said the fish, “that’s not a very nice thing to think.”

“WHUMP!!!”