Tag Archives: graffiti

Book Exerpt, Clowns, Freaks

Fudge the Clown

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There once was a Clown named Fudge,                                                     whose bowels refused to budge.                                                                       He’d sit and he’d sit                                                                                                         but just couldn’t shit,                                                                                                       not even a gob or a smudge.

***Fudge was the first ‘REAL’ Clown we ever interviewed (who we regard with some affection), as he exploded shortly after John sketched out this scene.  He turned out okay but destroyed a 14-store strip mall – along with 27 parked cars – and pasted us all in fudge…we laughed…..and laughed…    I’ve reposted this one, our 5th post,  from Nov., 2015, as it has finally been published in our new book “Bludgeon the Clown.”   -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks

Happy Holidays!

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Lester the Jester threw up his supper,                                                   emerging instead as a fool named Skupper                                                  who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob                                      expelling another named Bob,                                                                             who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile,                                                        appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle                                                               who stuck out his tongue and said with a leer                                             “Happy Christmas to all and a Merry New Year.”

 

body-oddies, Clowns

Santa Claws

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***I found this in one of John the illustrator’s discard files while looking for images to attach to my wonderful flash-stories.  I absolutely love it.  It will be perfect for this week’s post – the last week before Christmas, there’s just something a little ‘off’ about this one, though…I just can’t put my finger on it…  Oh well,  Merry Christmas everybody!!!…go to our site and buy our books.   -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction, fragment, Freaks

Labyrinth

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      His dreams were frantic.  She was always just out-of-reach and each time he caught a glimpse, she was further away than before as he chased her through the labyrinth of his anxiety.  He KNEW he was only dreaming…  he KNEW she lay right next to him, asleep…but he could neither escape any more than catch up to her.  And as his heart broke apart and crumbled to pieces for the one he had loved unconditionally, he realized that these pathetic dreams were better than his reality.  This was all he had left, so he relished in the chase each night…..for just one more night…and tried to remember all the good things they’d had for a few precious moments more…before she faded completely, leaving him alone in the labyrinth.

***My poor friend Balthazar lost his cat recently…well, she’s not missing – we’re not out searching or anything – I mean, he had a falling out with his precious Miss Fuzzy Britches a few weeks ago and hasn’t been able to patch things up.  I wrote this little piece for them…though I don’t hold out much hope.  Meanwhile, our new book is out; “Bludgeon the Clown.”  It’s beautiful and awful and available by following the link at the top/right to our site;  www.sallemander.com .  -Marsha

Flash Fiction, fragment, Freaks, Sci-Fi

Aghast

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When Mike rented his new place he’d never even tried a hot tub before. It wasn’t the feature that attracted him to the building. It was the two extra bedrooms – that would allow his grown kids to visit on holidays and between college semesters – that he liked most. Six months went by before he even tried it out, but when he did….it was gooood! In fact it felt wonderful…so relaxing, it took all his cares away.

He came back to it again and again and started making time, once a week, to soak in its warm embracing waters, gently massaging jets and steamy, soothing solace. Soon he found himself hopping in every day – even twice a day. A quick soak before the morning commute or a nice long one after the stress of a long day’s work became an absolute necessity. He felt an affinity for it bordering on affection. He lost himself in the comfort and imagined himself in the warm embrace of the womb.

     “Mmmmmmm!” he said…..wait…did he just say that? Strange, his voice seemed unusually low today, must be the bathroom acoustics …yeah! He relaxed again and submitted, to the moist tongues of ecstasy lapping his exhausted body….. “OOOOOOH, SCRUMMMPTIOUS!” he said in a deep, slow baritone.

Mike’s eyes bugged out as he leapt from the tub, twisting and convulsing like a housewife covered in spiders. Aghast, he screamed, “What the…I didn’t say that!?!” “OOOOH….DON’T GO MY LITTLE LOLLIPOP…..COME BAAACK.” said the booming voice from the tub. “Huh?” was all he could manage, shaking and dripping on the tiles, “AAAAAAAW,” boomed his tub, “MY SAUSSSSAGE DUMMMPLING, MY SPICY LITTLE MEATBALLL…..COME BACK TO MEEEEEE…I COULD JUST EEEEEAT YOU UP!!!”

***The image above is “AGHAST” recently published in our newest book “Bludgeon the Clown.”  Before that, it was loaned out as the cover to a book of flash-fiction entitled “Aghast” by Joe Del Priore (a VERY funny book and well worth reading).  But it was originally commissioned by Analog Magazine for their Jan/Feb 2007 issue.  This post was our 3rd post ever, from Oct., 2015.  Follow the www.sallemander.com links above to find all of my books.   -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks, Political

NAUGHTY!!!

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***Of course, we’ve been friends with Santa Clause since we were kids and got a great interview with him for our “Bludgeon the Clown” book (although the publisher cut it in the final edit).  Still, we were surprised when he showed up on Thanksgiving for a free meal (and this guy can really stack and pack it).  But he REALLY stunned us with a  whopping order of all 3 of our new books.  He mentioned (mumbled) something like “…can’t use COAL in naughty peoples stockings any more ’cause it’s TOXIC…so…..ho, ho, ho!”  Well, fantastic!  He loves it!  You should get one too.   -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks, Political

Church Bans Clown Book!

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***Oh thank God!  We’ve been praying for this for a long time.  The banning of our book finally came through.  Not to be TOO cynical about it, but nothing helps spread good ideas, good art and important issues like telling God’s children they can’t have it.   What a wonderful prize!  This announcement is better than any prestigious book award (and far less expensive).  None of our competitors has a church ban…ooooh, we are gonna be so rich!  …but our ‘thoughts and prayers’ are with them.  Meanwhile, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’ makes a terrific CHRISTMAS gift.   -Marsha

body-oddies, Flash Fiction, Freaks

What’s The Sense of it All?

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Larry had no objection to toes.  He never thought much about them, really.  Sure, they help us to stand up straight and balance on two feet…but so what!?  They’re just little nubbly things.  They’re not sexy or cool like fingers (at least you can pick your nose and scratch your ass with fingers).  Toes are shit.  They make lousy ear rings, smell worse than ass crack and are too bony to eat (even sautéed in olive oil with mushrooms and onions) and they taste like chum, anyway.

So why?…..What’s the sense of growing one right out from the center of his forehead?  How could he have gone to bed last night, feeling like a perfectly normal modern man (with hypertension, diabetes and chronic back pain) …and wake up the next morning with such bad luck?  What kind of rotten cosmic karma did he upset for nature or god (or whatever) to decide to put a big gnarly, fully grown toe, right smack between his eyes?

Seriously though, wasn’t it bad enough that he already had a whole festering patch of them growing down his back?…..UGHHH!!!  What’s the sense of it all!!?

***I’m pretty sure Larry isn’t the only one who wakes up every morning with awkward growths or nasty lumps.  Some are easy to dispatch, others we just have to live with.  But…all is not lost, the solution to all your woes can be found in the pages of our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.”  You can find it by following the link above to www.sallemander.com.  (This piece is reposted from June of last year.)   -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, Flash Fiction, Political

Loser!

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I won!  I am the richest man on Earth.  I have more money than God!  I’m not just the richest, though…I’m the winner!  I am the inevitable culmination of centuries of unregulated capitalism.  I own everything;  All the money, all the gold, all the oil, the water, infrastructure, stocks, bonds, real estate – EVERYTHING!

The entire population of Earth, all 7 million, are my employees and tenants.  Wait…did I say 7 million?  No, there’s only 5.8 million as of this week…heck, I remember when there were 7 billion…but never mind that, they’re just little people.  Losers!  I won and they lost.

Too bad for them.  Is it my fault they were born poor and unlucky, that they made bad life decisions, were unable to afford the finest education money could buy and had no inherited wealth with which to game the system?  If God didn’t favor me he would not have made me so rich.  That’s what makes me so much better than you.

The only question now is…What to do with it all?  My only goal was to win…now what?  I own ten thousand fishing yachts but the oceans are dead.  I used to like the beach but they’re polluted now and storms have destroyed all the coastal cities.  I used to hunt but there’s no wildlife, no more forests, either.  Everything is desert and all the clouds are gone and I burn so easily…

But never mind all that…..I’m the winner!  It must have been worth it, because I WON!!!  I’m richer than you.  I’m better than you and I won!  So piss off!!…..and bring me a fresh canister of air! (gasp)  I’m friggin’ suffocating over here…LOSER!!!

***It’s election day in NJ and this seemed like the perfect one to repost.  Besides, the image, ‘Corporatism,’ has just been published in my new book “Bludgeon the Clown” (which you can buy if you follow the links to www.sallemander.com).  Good luck picking the ‘lesser-of-two-evils’ again, I mean, it’s worked out perfectly so far…..  -Marsha