Category Archives: Clowns

She Tasted Like Blue

July 30, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

All speckled and fuzzy, she tasted like blue with spiny black tendrils of yellowish goo. She dribbled and hissed in licorice throes and sang like a frog-apple shoved up her nose. Shredded and pulpy and gnawing in heat while her farts were so pungently sweet. flailing in fancy with peppermint splashes, her mango-bat claws left slashes. And when she was salty she prattled and leapt and when she was orange she slept. And when she was rancid, with droplets of dew, she definitely tasted like blue.

***I didn’t write this drivel. Even my artist, John, in all his bizarre idiocy couldn’t compose this kind of brilliant shat. But, as I recall…I think it was the mutant tiger chick and her kinky prey who did it. Well, read it again and try to find the clever hidden meaning to it – then buy my books (find them at www.sallemander.com). John’s illustration was first licensed for use as the Jan/Feb 2009 cover for Analog Magazine, for a story by Rajnar Vajra (one of John’s favorite authors) -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns, Freaks

Blue-ish Freaks

July 23, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Blue-ish the Clown was a dangerous Freak, not just because of his looks, so to speak; True, both his legs were mismatched and lame but neither were both of his arms quite the same. So he scuttled about on his one giant hand which dwarfed his oversized skull, understand? Those weren’t the things, though, that made him a prick. There was something much deeper and darker and sick. See, Blue-ish was closeted, Christian and white from the Neo-con, fascist corporate right. Need I say anything more tonight?

***This is the cover for our first amazing book…this blog is rife with pages and passages from it and our other works. You can find our books (and buy them) by following the link above to www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Trousers and Clot

July 16, 2018 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

I once saw a Clown named Trousers swallow a Juggler named Clot, who didn’t quite like being swallowed (it was smelly inside and hot). So he kicked and hollered and squirmed and shoved and pushed and punched and swore, ’till poor old Trousers burst at the seams dropping Clot (and his guts) on the floor.

***Trousers and Clot are featured in our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown.” for all 3 of our books, follow the link above to www.sallemander.com -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Now That He’s Dead

July 9, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Now that he’s dead we can mess with his shit. We can dance really loud. We can holler and spit.

We can carry him ’round. We can make him look silly, dressing him up in girly-girl frilly.

We can poke out his eyes. We can cut off his nose, twist-off and break all his fingers and toes.

Now that he’s dead we can draw on his skin, give him a Clown face – a big stupid grin.

We can hang him outside for the vultures and beetles, shave his whole head and poke it with needles.

We can stuff him or shred him or chop him in chunks, then cook him and feed him to hobos and drunks.

Now that he’s dead, he’s starting to rot. Should we bury him now…or not?

But where is the joy? Where’s all the whimsy? There’s plenty to do while the corpse is still flimsy.

And when he goes stiff and gives off a smell, we’ll set him on fire and send him to hell.

He can’t hurt us now. It’s over and done, so now that he’s dead…..let’s have FUN!!

***This poem and image comprise the title page for ‘Chapter 6: Death,’ in our newest book, “Bludgeon the Clown” which you can find by following the link above to www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Clowns, Freaks

Creepy Clowns

July 2, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

***This is the cover art for our “Creepy Clown Coloring Book.” There’s no short, flash-fiction story or clever rhyme for this one, John simply saw these guys hanging out at the blues club on 17th Street one night and did a sketch of them on the spot. Besides the coloring book, we’ve used this image for a sticker, a 11X14 print and a greeting card. You can find our books by following the links above to www.sallemander.com. For all the other stuff we make, you can find us at the Atlanta Comic Con, July 13-15. -Marsha

Book Exerpt, Clowns

Uprising

June 11, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

The Clowns rose up in anger one day deciding enough was enough. They poured out into the streets en masse, yelling and juggling stuff.

They wanted ‘equal rights’, they said, to be ‘taken seriously’. An end to random giggles and leers. They wanted respect, you see.

Snarling traffic with mini Clown cars, squirtling flowers and ties, their strike turned into a riot (of sorts) pelting police with pies.

They overwhelmed the barricades, storming the walls and ditches and made their way up to capital hill, leaving the cops in stitches.

But as they breached the chamber doors, their smiles turned into frowns, for the senate was already occupied by Idiots, Mimes and Clowns.

I wrote this piece (and John illustrated it) almost two decades ago. I thought, for sure, things MUST change for the better by now. Anyway, it finally got published in our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown”…which you can find (and buy) following the www.sallemander.com link at the top. -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction

Worse Day of My Life

June 4, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

“Worse day of my life…” began the stranger at the bar, “…the day I lost my HEAD!” He stared at me oddly, chuckling. His words hung in the air for a while as I wondered who the heck this guy was and why he was chatting me up. He sounded absurd! “What?!” I asked, a little annoyed. “Yeah!” he continued, “It just tumbled off and rolled away. I couldn’t find it for a YEAR!” ‘How ridiculous’ I thought – but then, I remembered hearing about that sort of thing happening more and more these days. “I found it conjoined with some other dude’s left hand like a circus freak-show exhibit …awkward!”

I reached for my beer glass but knocked it over with the empty stump of my wrist. The stranger grinned at me and chuckled again knowingly. It seems that both my hands had quietly popped off and were crawling down the bar toward the attractive woman in the breasty, low cut blouse at the end…the one I was too shy to approach earlier. I didn’t know what they planned but I could just imagine what MY brainless hands might like to do with HER. That’s when I noticed the stranger’s collar – bolted tightly ‘round his neck. It looked positively medieval but locked his wayward head soundly to his torso. ‘How clever?!’ I thought.

The barkeep wiped up my spilled beer with a lovely pair of shapely, ladies arms –which did NOT match the rest of his otherwise burly, tattooed frame. He caught me staring but shrugged and nodded me in the direction of my hands as they broke into a run…..while the woman’s breasts leapt out of her blouse and took off in opposite directions.

***This image is featured in our new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” which is available now, just follow the link above to www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction, Freaks

Book Festival

May 21, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Paranoia Smith was the most exhausting, obnoxious, insufferable, skate-punk, tattooed, cross dressing poseur I ever met at a book festival. Within a minute in this lunatic’s presence I wanted to rip off his head and crap down his neck. He babbled incessantly (when he wasn’t ‘rapping’ or screeching heavy metal lyrics) and his fake blonde goatee and dreadlocks smelled like a port-a-potty. He was one of those touchy-feely dudes who never let up. He had a finger puppet named Yak Feces who insisted on probing all of my facial orifices. And he simply could not convey any of his incomplete ‘ideas’ from a distance further than an inch from my nose with breath like the putrid steam at the edge of a volcano. He was a wild eyed maniac with no self control….actually dribbled chaw juice on my shoe, then apologized as he hosed it off with urine…..BUT, he just bought a copy of my ridiculous new book, “Bludgeon the Clown” and I love him for it. I think we could be brothers.

Oh no! Next in line was Lisa, an enormous middle aged woman in a teeny-tiny Sailor Moon costume with bits bulging from under her adorable skirt that I didn’t know women even had. I think her blue hair was her REAL hair. “Could you sign mine?” she croaked like Jabba the Hut…and I was grinning (as she pulled out exact change) too horrified to look away from…this beautiful, elegant creature who loves my book. I could have married her on the spot.

Next in line is…oh, sweet Jesus…..

***John and I brought our new book out to sell at the Gaithersburg Book Festival in Maryland last weekend. It rained…but it was brilliant. We met so many talented, decent, cool people – and artists – and vendors…What a great time – and you would not believe how many books we sold (my mother told me we should have brought more…). Wish you were there. -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction, Freaks

Freaky Uncle

May 7, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

We never spoke about Uncle Dixon. Our whole family tip-toed around the subject…but I could tell there were powerful feelings just under everybody’s skin. He was a horrible pariah. The black sheep of the family.

We kept him straight-jacketed in one of the padded cells in the catacombs below our cabin. He was never allowed out in the light of day (lest one of the neighbors spot him), only after midnight on stormy nights and always tightly chained, gagged and bound in one of those psycho metal hockey mask get-ups. He got wheeled around in a steel cage on a hand truck under constant, heavily armed guard.

As if that wasn’t bad enough…Uncle Dixon was never allowed to go wilding with the rest of the family, never allowed to invade homes, to rape and burn and shoot folks in the face with shotguns or dismember them with his best machete before skinning and roasting them on the Bar-B-Que for the family feast…..how sad and dull.

I felt bad for him. What possible meaning could his life have? I always wondered what awful thing he could have done to deserve such treatment – until I overheard Pappa Ripper telling old cousin Head-Stomper that Dixon was a pacifist, an atheist and… a vegetarian (whatever that was). He also said that he had NEVER murdered a baby in his whole life – actually refused to do it!!! Eeeeew! What a Freak!?!

***Every family has at least one crazy relative that makes Thanksgiving an unforgettable event, rivaling any ten episodes of The Jerry Springer Show….and worth 6 months of therapy. I think my illustrator, John, serves that role in his family. John’s illustration is from our new book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown.’ You need this book. It explains EVERYTHING! Find it at www.sallemander.com (links above) -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction, Freaks

Sundae the Clown

April 30, 2018 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

“Ohhh…its not so bad.” his wife told him with thinly veiled sarcasm. “You look absolutely delicious…..!” she smiled sardonically. But it was a hot summer day and he was melting on the spot. He wouldn’t last much longer.

Billy was so intent on pleasing his estranged wife (poor henpecked bastard) that he took her desire for an ice cream sundae too far and transmogrified himself into one, without considering the consequences. And still, as he slowly disintegrated into a sweet soupy mess, she would not favor him with her attentions – except to say, “Ugh! You know I don’t like pistachio…..!”

***The image is another piece from our new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks”. You can find it here at www.sallemander.com (or follow the link above). The story…is based on actual events. -Marsha