Category Archives: Clowns

Comic Con

April 26, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Paranoia Smith was the most exhausting, obnoxious, insufferable, skate-punk, tattooed, cross dressing poseur I ever met at a Comic Con. Within a minute in this lunatic’s presence I wanted to rip off his head and crap down his neck. He babbled incessantly (when he wasn’t ‘rapping’ or screeching heavy metal lyrics) and his fake blonde goatee and dreadlocks smelled like a port-a-potty. He was one of those touchy-feely dudes who never let up. He had a finger puppet named Yak Feces who insisted on probing all of my facial orifices. And he simply could not convey any of his incomplete ‘ideas’ from a distance further than an inch from my nose with breath like the putrid steam at the edge of a volcano. He was a wild eyed maniac with no self control….actually dribbled chaw juice on my shoe, then apologized as he hosed it off with urine…..

BUT, he bought one of my ridiculous ‘Blue-ish Freaks’ books just now and I love him for it. We could be brothers.

Oh no! Next in line was Lisa, an enormous middle aged woman in a teeny-tiny Sailor Moon costume with bits bulging from under her adorable skirt that I didn’t know women even had. I think her blue hair was her real hair. “Could you sign mine?” she croaked like Jabba the Hut…and I was grinning (as she pulled out exact change) too horrified to look away from…this beautiful, elegant creature who loves my book. I could have married her on the spot.

Next in line is…oh, sweet Jesus…..

***John brought our new book out to sell at the Philadelphia Comic Con last weekend. It was brilliant. He met so many talented, decent, cool people and artists and vendors…What a great time – and you would not believe how many books he sold (my mother told me we should have brought more…). Wish I had been there. -Marsha

Clowns

Lester the Jester

April 19, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Lester the Jester threw up his supper, emerging instead as a fool named Skupper who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob expelling another named Bob, who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile, appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle who turned to his mates and stuck out his tongue saying, “Better off here… than out Lester’s bung.”

***This piece, from our new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks”, is the one we chose as the backdrop/banner for our comicon table. Come see us at our first show at The Great Philadelphia Comic Con, on April 22-24. If you’re not in the area, please visit our website (link at top of page); www.sallemander.com -Marsha

Clowns

Blue-ish Freaks

April 5, 2016 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

***Our new book is finally out and available for sale at; www.sallemander.com (just use the link at the upper right). Its also been a while since we posted a decent (horrible) Clown poem, so… -Marsha

Blue-ish the Clown was a dangerous Freak, not just because of his looks, so to speak; True, both his legs were mismatched and lame but neither were both of his arms quite the same. So he scuttled about on his one giant hand which dwarfed his oversized skull, understand? Those weren’t the things, though, that made him a prick. There was something much deeper and darker and sick. See, Blue-ish was closeted, Christian and white from the Neo-con, fascist corporate right. Need I say anything more tonight?

Clowns

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

March 15, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Food was scarce. People were struggling. The war was taking it’s toll as there were shortages of everything from fuel to toilet paper to empathy. Rationing was severe and people were showing signs of stress. There was unemployment, hunger and daily violent protests against the government who caused this blowback war after decades of capitalist conquest. There was no sign of improvement on the horizon and…..food was scarce.

Leon’s Bar and Grill, however, seemed to be an exception to the misery. Leon, the proprietor, had a brilliant (desperate) idea a few months back when he realized he had too many cooks in the kitchen and not enough food to serve. Seeing his business on the brink of failure, he did the only logical thing; He ‘fired’ all his cooks and took over in the kitchen personally. He posted a new menu featuring ‘Chef’s specials’ like Chef’s Stew, Chef Pot Pie and Roasted Leg of Chef. He fired them all… in the big convection oven (though a few got deep fried, stewed…or grilled…..and one guy got sautéed in a wok) and his business has been thriving ever since.

Funny thing, though…once he solved his cook problem, he settled an old issue with that annoying waitress, Marge and finally took care of that pesky neighborhood Clown who always annoyed his customers as they came and went.

These days, ‘Leon’s’ is the only establishment in town with a ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the window…and I hear the food’s really good.

***We thought a little cannibalism this week would be a welcome break from what has become the norm in America; Illegal war, torture, kidnapping, rape, assassination, terrorism, corruption, usury, inequality and a massive political freak show. Hmmmm…..eating people’s got nothin’ on the U.S. gov’t. – so, bon appetit! -Marsha

Clowns

Loser!!!

March 8, 2016 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

I won! I am the richest man on Earth. I have more money than God! I’m not just the richest, though…I’m the winner! I am the inevitable culmination of centuries of unregulated capitalism. I own everything; All the money, all the gold, all the oil, the water, infrastructure, stocks, bonds, real estate – EVERYTHING!

The entire population of Earth, all 7 million, are my employees and tenants. Wait…did I say 7 million? No, there’s only 5.8 million as of this week…heck, I remember when there were 7 billion…but never mind that, they’re just little people. Losers! I won and they lost.

Too bad for them. Is it my fault they were born poor and unlucky, that they made bad life decisions, were unable to afford the finest education money could buy and had no inherited wealth with which to game the system? If God didn’t favor me he would not have made me so rich. That’s what makes me so much better than you.

The only question now is…What to do with it all? My only goal was to win…now what? I own ten thousand fishing yachts but the oceans are dead. I used to like the beach but they’re polluted now and storms have destroyed all the coastal cities. I used to hunt but there’s no wildlife, no more forests, either. Everything is desert and all the clouds are gone and I burn so easily…

But never mind all that…..I’m the winner! It must have been worth it, because I WON!!! I’m richer than you. I’m better than you and I won! So piss off!!…..and bring me a fresh canister of air! (gasp) I’m friggin’ suffocating over here…LOSER!!!

***This is NOT about Trump! It has nothing to do with our freak show elections and we don’t take sides, anyway (although, the corporate dude riding Uncle Sam like a bitch DOES look more like Hillary than Trump). This isn’t even a political website! It was simply the scheduled date for this story and image. Is it our fault that all the candidates piled into a mini-Clown Car and crashed it straight into the gaping ass of an elephant? -Marsha

Clowns

Mulligan

February 2, 2016 Marsha Mellow 2 Comments

There once was a Clown who fell in his glass who went by the name of Mulligan. He drank it all down before he passed… but when he woke up it was full again.

***The thing to understand about Clowns here, is that they can transmute their body fluids. I met one fellow who could drink lemonade and piss grape soda. Another Clown turned red wine into pure maple syrup. Some can do different flavors depending on their mood. Mulligan usually pissed single malt whiskey when he was feeling sassy but could only manage a weak mimosa when he was glum. Clowns are SO fascinating… I even saw one cheeky freak squeeze cherry ice cubes from vodka…OUCH!!! -Marsha

Clowns

Can’t take it with you

January 12, 2016 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

We stood at the intersection looking down on the body – hit by a bus…how ridiculous! After all the times I’d stopped people on their stupid phone gadgets from walking into traffic…now this? I must have been daydreaming…what an idiot!

Cars were still swishing through the scene while a small crowd of cynical bystanders gathered to make snarky comments in hushed voices (as if they might offend me). The police arrived to push the crowd away and redirect traffic. One of them walked right through me…uugh! Weird!! I shuddered. My companion just grinned.

I felt some regret. It was a good body for a middle aged clown. I’d kept it fit and healthy – not too bad looking, either…but now it was broken and mangled. There were scattered bits of gristle and a thick dark liquid splashed across the asphalt. One of my eyes hung by a thread down my cheek and my skull was split wide open like a busted watermelon – but hey, I always wondered what my own brains looked like….Eeeeew!!!…(Cool!)

My companion stepped over to me with a ‘we should go soon’ attitude. I must say, for a scythe wielding hippy weirdo in a medieval bathrobe, he seemed like a decent chap. He was good enough to give me time to adjust. Finally, with a friendly clap on the shoulder he whispered, “Come along, son. You can’t take it with you…” We turned away and began walking off into the ether.

“Hey Grim!” I said, “You think I’ll come back as a sea slug or a tapeworm? I hope not…maybe I could be a hockey puck! Yeah!…That’s where all the action is…” He shook his head and rolled his eye sockets. “Hey, can you introduce me to Jesus? No…ELVIS!!!…..Yeaaaah!”

***My little fiction aside, Liam the Clown did his best work squashed like a bug. Not much of a song-and-dance guy, Liam’s twitchings had an artsy aesthetic. Anybody who knows anything about Clowns, knows they’re incredibly hard to kill, so Liam never met Jesus – or Elvis but he and Grim became pretty close. -Marsha

Clowns

Jack in the Box

December 15, 2015 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Jack the Jester lived in a box ’cause he had no legs or feet and liked popping out of his box -SURPRISE!! -to frighten the children…NEAT! He loved young children most of all, so innocent, kind and sweet. The crunchier ones always tasted best but the chubby ones had more meat.

***Aaaaah, for some reason this one always makes me think of Christmas; Mindless shopping, mall traffic, gaudy decorations, gluttony and crass consumerism (that should have been the title). Mmmmmm…and every year it just gets better and better. -Marsha