Category Archives: body-oddies

Splitting Headache

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Hey!… Do you remember that thing? You know…that THING??  Oh, you remember.  We saw it the other day when we were doing the other thing…..what’s-is face was there.  Oh, you know who I mean, the one from… oh gosh…from over yonder with the thing-ummy-thing on his who’s-is-what’s-it?…And we laughed and laughed about it the whole time?  But he wasn’t so amused.  He took the issue up with…oh, you know who, the one at the place…..um, the place right next door to the other MAIN place?  And she went totally ballistic about everything, especially that one thing…..but not the thing I’m talking about.  I meant the OTHER thing.  Yeah!  The thing with the thing-a-ma-jig…Yes!!!  You know the thing!  UGH!!!  I seem to forget EVERY thing…but I definitely remember THAT!

***This conversation isn’t all that unusual. It happens more often than I’d care to admit.  What amazes me is how often we completely understand each other whenever we do…..whoever it is.  -Marsha 

Open Mike

open-mike-63 Mike stood on stage in the spotlight…..terrified. Something about it seemed to be working for him.  They probably found his trembling voice charming as he spoke sincerely about his life…his completely bizarre, absolutely strange, totally unlikely life…and the cynical way it came across.  The crowd laughed at the tragic death of his wife in a mundane laundry incident.  They howled at how the wind blew her ashes into everybody’s mouth at the funeral.   And the five-day-old lasagna in a broken fridge, causing a vivid conversation with Lucifer, left them in stitches.  Every word he spoke, every glib anecdote, felt like a hole being ripped open in his soul, allowing his demons to spill out – only to be consumed and obliterated in the laughter of the audience…and when it was over…Mike stood open and bloody and spent and…..completely relieved.  It was better than therapy, better than liquor or sex or CHOCOLATE.  And he walked off stage to a standing ovation feeling light as a feather.

***This post is another excerpt from our ‘Body-Oddies’ book project and the art will be available as an original art print soon.  I am rewriting ‘Bludgeon the Clown’ and John is reworking the layout so it will be published and ready for sale in the spring of 2017.  Find our 2 books at www.sallemander.com or search ‘EEW Books’ at Etsy.com and Amazon.com.  They make a great gift.  -Marsha 

Foreheads

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Mulberry Jelly sat on the edge of the stage covered in sticky egg juice and rotten vegetable pulp.  He couldn’t figure out what the crowd hated more, his cliché street-rapper name or the combination-spoken word/death metal version of “I’m a little tea pot” he was performing before the riot broke out.  One thing he knew for sure;  His brilliant career in show biz was over before it started…again.  The same thing happened last week when he tried a blues/ballet combo of “Freak” in front of the local Middle School Talent Show Fundraiser.  He refused to accept his Mom’s advice to study dentistry or go into his sticky Uncle Morty’s carpet cleaning business.  Who were they to call him a talentless hack?  No!  He would go on!  He would make Mulberry Jelly a household name and prove to the world…

Aw hell!  Who was he kidding?  The only reason people showed up to these things was to gawk at him for the bizarre growth on his…..

***This piece is slated for our “Body-Oddies” book.  Its another unrevised rough concept sketch by John.  While he works on the final artwork for that, I am rewriting and reworking our “Bludgeon the Clown” book so it is ready for print and sale in the spring.  There are links to our books above or you can find them on Etsy and Amazon (search EEW Books)…’they make an excellent gift’  -Marsha

Why The Long Face?

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Last Wednesday a dude walked into the bar with a REALLY long face. The barkeep looked up and grinned.  I knew exactly what he was thinking.  He opened his mouth to say…..but thought better of it and simply asked, “What’ll ya have, pal?”

***Everything you were afraid might happen is pretty much already happening.  Your craptastic election doesn’t change much.  Take a minute or two to get your shit together, then pull up your big boy pants, get off your lazy asses and come join the rest of us in the revolution.  Whatever you think or believe, its time to quit your bellyaching and rise up.  -Marsha

My Favorite Place

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I really can’t think of a favorite place                                                                    but I love the idea of flavored space,                                                                     which happens to rhyme with ‘baby face’                                                          like the horrible growth on my cheek.

I like the idea of an ‘open mic’                                                                                  as long as I’m never the Mike.                                                                                 Exposing my guts to a crowd if you like                                                             might make some people freak.

 I never accepted an open ‘Hand Shake’                                                               though I don’t mind a hand made cake.                                                              Swallowing fingers is awful to take                                                                        but easy to grasp – so to speak.

But my favorite place is up my nose                                                                        where adorable ‘nose hair’ grows,                                                                           which is usually better than ‘smelly toes’                                                             ’cause its cute and fuzzy and chic.

***Lets take a little break from the national disgrace of our elections for something light and adorable and wholesome.  This little ditty makes John giggle like a tickled toddler every time he reads it.   He’s done rough sketches of all the ‘Body-Oddies’ it mentions so far(even though we only used ‘baby face’ for this post).  Our EEWbooks Etsy store is getting some good sales and attention.  Go there, fave our shop and help us get it off to a solid launch.  Thanks.  -Marsha

Slack Jaw

slackjaw-50     Father Rodriguez Domingo Emanuel Castillo stood on the dais before his congregation at Sunday mass, slack jawed and silent – as if in a trance. Everyone was (respectfully) baffled as he committed his minor, weekly spectacle.  Intense prayers hissed through humid air, a mumbled chanting, eyes lolling, bodies swaying, swooning and barfing in awe as his lips and cheeks slackened while the agonizing minutes passed.  A thick silence fell as  his melting jaw splashed into a dribbley puddle at his feet.  Nobody moved or said anything… everyone just stared, stupidly…..it must be a miracle… right?

***I love religion, so entertaining, so debilitating…but no matter how I’d love to rant on about it, I’m even more compelled to announce that we now have our ETSY shop up and running (just follow the link to www.sallemander.com and you’ll find the link to the site/shop).  You can get our two books and soon, original art prints.  Also, we now have both our books for sale at St. Mark’s Comics in New York City (one of our favorite places on Earth), so go there and buy our shit!  -Marsha

Headstand

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Henry Higgenbottom had an amazing talent. Welllll, maybe not so amazing as, lets say, ‘quirky’.  You see, Henry could “headstand”.  Yeah,  not so amazing…but since nobody else could ever do it quite like him, it kinda became his ‘thing’.  And despite all practical advice. he ‘did’ the crap out of his ‘thing’.  He became a minor local celebrity (oddity), got his fifteen minutes of fame on the T.V. news and bartered that into a stint on the state carnival circuit which propelled him into a pretty good gig with a circus sideshow troupe as a ‘Tumbling Contortionist’.  All things considered, however, his convulsive hiccupping act usually stole the spotlight (and all the laughs) and made his ‘headstand’ gimmick look pretty dull.  But Henry never gave up on it.  It was his own unique gift to the world, a sacred piece of his very soul and he made sure it was part of every show he did…..until one day he accidentally mixed his hiccups with his ‘headstand’ and so disrupted his specially balanced stance that he snapped his own ridiculous neck.

***Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE who has seen the image above seems to think it has some political meaning – perhaps implying the state of the nation or of the American voting public… Bollocks and drivel!  It is no such thing.  Read the post!  Its nothing more than a tragic fragment of an ambitious loser.  We don’t do politics in this blog!

John and I will have a table in Artist Alley at the Newark Comic Con on Saturday, August 20 (1100 McCarter Hwy., Newark, NJ) where we will be presenting advance copies of my new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Creepy Clown Coloring Book”, as well as original art prints and copies of three books by our good friend Joe Del Priore.  -Marsha  

Old Wives’ Tail

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Last night she came in through the bathroom window…the one up on the third floor.  At this point I’m too numb to be surprised.  Last week, before bed, she reached up to take her glasses off and her whole head came away.  She paid it no mind, just set it down on the nightstand next to her spittoon and went to sleep – I slept on the couch that night.

Three days ago she came home from a visit with her mother dragging a massive, spiked tail behind her as if nothing was amiss (talk about an old wives tail).  The dogs were pretty upset.  I spent the night ‘working’ in my office with a bottle of scotch and a joint.

So, the bathroom window thing was hardly a bother – and the mystery of how she managed the climb was solved when I noticed her folding leathery bat wings up under her coat.  What those long curly tusks could possibly be used for, I cannot guess…..but I think I’ll sleep out in the car tonight.

***This is a true story.  It happened to a guy I knew…well actually the next door neighbor of a second cousin, twice removed of my best friend’s cubicle mate (from her old job’s) mother-in-law.  It’s really sad how people drift apart but its inevitable and sometimes we just have to adapt to the new paradigm.  This is another unofficial ‘red rough’ sketch from our upcoming book “Body-Oddies” which I’m forbidden to post…but what John (my illustrator) doesn’t know won’t kill him.   -Marsha

 

Say It Isn’t So

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“Oh no!…Say it isn’t so!!!” Willy whined, staring down at his belly in horror.  “This is just getting weird…”  His therapist told him time and again to let his ‘inner child’ out but THIS was ridiculous!  What began as common heartburn blossomed into something completely bizarre.

Willy was the typical modern American man; A politically connected (racist), deeply religious (extremist), highly educated (affluent) corporate executive (dullard) – a completely normal, well adjusted person in a desperately broken society.  So naturally, he was quite fucked.  It was no wonder he developed chronic aches and pains…and over time they became rather terrible.

Willy’s doctors found nothing wrong with him, no infections, no disorders, no cancers.  They told him it was ‘all in his head’ (it was actually in his torso, an inch above his liver and just to the left of his pancreas) but his shrink found him just as fit as his peers.  Still, the pain got worse and worse until finally, at his absolute breaking point, Willy had…..a breakthrough.

He woke up one night from a juicy steak and alcohol-induced stupor to find a finger sticking out of his belly (and the complete absence of pain).  It was so weird he thought he must be dreaming and dropped off again but by morning a whole arm had emerged while a pair of feet proceeded to push out of his back with a gooshie spluck.  He was so freaked out, he fainted…..and when he got up again, he could do nothing but watch as a whole person emerged form his torso, front and back.

“Holy crap on a cracker!!!” he screamed.  But the Willy in his belly, who looked just as frantic, hollered, “Shut up, old man!…How do you think I feel?!  Oh no…Say it isn’t so!!!”

***We spent the better part of two days in the NJ motor vehicle gauntlet this week, getting licenses renewed and title, tags and registration done for a car.  John did this sketch while we waited which perfectly captured the experience in one shot.  -Marsha

 

Primal Urge

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I love brains!…LOVE them.  Can’t remember why I ever ate anything else…ever.  I vaguely remember being bitten, I think there were six of them.  They ripped out my stomach and organs as I turned…..then I joined in…and I tasted pretty good – but not as good as brains.

I don’t talk much any more, nobody in my group does.  It’s okay, I never was much of a conversationalist…and most folks seem too afraid of me to chat, anyway.  They run away screaming a lot or try to stab me in the head with sharp stuff… I never liked most people that much, so it doesn’t really hurt my feelings.  Their brains, though…ooooooohhh, nice!  Better than goose liver pâté and double fudge brownies.

I saw my own reflection yesterday, I’m looking pretty rugged.  I’ve really slimmed down without my guts…finally lost that extra thirty pounds.  And my skin, well…a mottled blue-ish grey with black streaks – reminds me of camouflage, my favorite color.  But oooooohh, the brains…did I tell you how good those are?  I highly recommend them.  Ooooooom!  Ughhh!!  Brains!!!  I love the brains.  Ummmmmm…I can’t remember why I ever ate anything else…ever.  I vaguely remember being bitten, I think there were six of them.  They ripped out my stomach……

***I’m obligated (by John, my illustrator) to mention that the image for this post is an “unrevised original rough sketch” and below his normal standard of quality.  I actually LIKE this one…but its also a crap-load of fun watching John have an OCD hissy-bitch fit over his stupid etchings.  I’m a big fan of zombies, even the bad ones are beautiful.  -Marsha