Tag Archives: clowns

Do They Come Any Weirder?

June 7, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Skippy the Jester came with a grunt. Leopold came with a smile. Pat came juggling big squishy balls in a highly provocative style.

Montalban came in his polka dots. Willy came wearing a dress. Mimsy came bouncing and shaking in white but left an absolute mess.

Timothy came in a Santa suit. Bob came dressed as a cop, shoving his night stick in everyone’s face and no one could make him stop.

Bill the Mime came with Sissy the Clown. Do they come any weirder?…..Please! But when the guy with the camera came, they all came in close and said: “CHEESE!!”

***John took our new book, ‘Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks’ to the Scare-A Con in Springfield Mass. this weekend. It was amazing. The place was infested with Clowns, actors, freaks and nerds…and every one was brilliant. There were photo ops, selfies and even the odd grin-n-grab and every famous person we met was warm and kind. This post seemed to capture the whimsy and chaos of the convention. -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction

Freaky Uncle

May 31, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

We never spoke about Uncle Dixon. Our whole family tip-toed around the subject…but I could tell there were powerful feelings just under everybody’s skin. He was a horrible pariah. The black sheep of the family.

We kept him straight-jacketed in one of the padded cells in the catacombs below our cabin. He was never allowed out in the light of day (lest one of the neighbors spot him), only after midnight on stormy nights and always tightly chained, gagged and bound in one of those psycho metal hockey mask get-ups. He got wheeled around in a steel cage on a hand truck under constant, heavily armed guard.

As if that wasn’t bad enough…Uncle Dixon was never allowed to go wilding with the rest of the family, never allowed to invade homes, to rape and burn and shoot folks in the face with shotguns or dismember them with his best machete before skinning and roasting them on the Bar-B-Que for the family feast…..how sad and dull.

I felt bad for him. What possible meaning could his life have? I always wondered what awful thing he could have done to deserve such treatment – until I overheard Pappa Ripper telling old cousin Head-Stomper that Dixon was a pacifist, an atheist and… a vegetarian (whatever that was). He also said that he had NEVER murdered a baby in his whole life – actually refused to do it!!! Eeeeew! What a Freak!?!

***Every family has at least one crazy relative that makes Thanksgiving an unforgettable event rivaling any ten episodes of The Jerry Springer Show….and worth 6 months of therapy. I think my illustrator, John, serves that role in his family. John’s illustration is from our book, ‘Bludgeon the Clown’, scheduled for publication in 2017. -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction

Worse Day of My Life

May 24, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

“Worse day of my life…” began the stranger at the bar, “…the day I lost my HEAD!” He stared at me oddly, chuckling. His words hung in the air for a while as I wondered who the heck this guy was and why he was chatting me up. He sounded absurd! “What?!” I asked, a little annoyed. “Yeah!” he continued, “It just tumbled off and rolled away. I couldn’t find it for a YEAR!” ‘How ridiculous’ I thought – but then, I remembered hearing about that sort of thing happening more and more these days. “I found it conjoined with some other dude’s left hand like a circus freak-show exhibit …awkward!”

I reached for my beer glass but knocked it over with the empty stump of my wrist. The stranger grinned at me and chuckled again knowingly. It seems that both my hands had quietly popped off and were crawling down the bar toward the attractive woman in the breasty, low cut blouse at the end…the one I was too shy to approach earlier. I didn’t know what they planned but I could just imagine what MY brainless hands might like to do with HER. That’s when I noticed the stranger’s collar – bolted tightly ‘round his neck. It looked positively medieval but locked his wayward head soundly to his torso. ‘How clever?!’ I thought.

The barkeep wiped up my spilled beer with a lovely pair of shapely, ladies arms –which did NOT match the rest of his otherwise burly, tattooed frame. He caught me staring but shrugged and nodded me in the direction of my hands as they broke into a run…..while the woman’s breasts leapt out of her blouse and took off in opposite directions.

***John did this image for our new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks” which is available now, just follow the link above to www.sallemander.com. -Marsha

Clowns

Sammy the Clown

May 10, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Sammy the Clown thought he could fly so he threw himself off the roof and flapped his arms for eighty-nine floors ‘fore he realized his tragic goof.

***Even if Uncle Sammy here is only an inch or two off the ground he’ll still make a painful, messy landing. There isn’t much more to say about American politics today…except that we do real Clowns a disservice by associating them with politicians. It taints their integrity and sense of decency. This is a page from our new book, ‘Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks’. You can find it at; www.sallemander.com -Marsha

Clowns, Flash Fiction

Comic Con

April 26, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Paranoia Smith was the most exhausting, obnoxious, insufferable, skate-punk, tattooed, cross dressing poseur I ever met at a Comic Con. Within a minute in this lunatic’s presence I wanted to rip off his head and crap down his neck. He babbled incessantly (when he wasn’t ‘rapping’ or screeching heavy metal lyrics) and his fake blonde goatee and dreadlocks smelled like a port-a-potty. He was one of those touchy-feely dudes who never let up. He had a finger puppet named Yak Feces who insisted on probing all of my facial orifices. And he simply could not convey any of his incomplete ‘ideas’ from a distance further than an inch from my nose with breath like the putrid steam at the edge of a volcano. He was a wild eyed maniac with no self control….actually dribbled chaw juice on my shoe, then apologized as he hosed it off with urine…..

BUT, he bought one of my ridiculous ‘Blue-ish Freaks’ books just now and I love him for it. We could be brothers.

Oh no! Next in line was Lisa, an enormous middle aged woman in a teeny-tiny Sailor Moon costume with bits bulging from under her adorable skirt that I didn’t know women even had. I think her blue hair was her real hair. “Could you sign mine?” she croaked like Jabba the Hut…and I was grinning (as she pulled out exact change) too horrified to look away from…this beautiful, elegant creature who loves my book. I could have married her on the spot.

Next in line is…oh, sweet Jesus…..

***John brought our new book out to sell at the Philadelphia Comic Con last weekend. It was brilliant. He met so many talented, decent, cool people and artists and vendors…What a great time – and you would not believe how many books he sold (my mother told me we should have brought more…). Wish I had been there. -Marsha

Clowns

Lester the Jester

April 19, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Lester the Jester threw up his supper, emerging instead as a fool named Skupper who gagged on his guts as they spilled from his gob expelling another named Bob, who horked up a loogie of phlegm and bile, appearing at last as a Jester named Lyle who turned to his mates and stuck out his tongue saying, “Better off here… than out Lester’s bung.”

***This piece, from our new book, “Marsha Mellow’s Blue-ish Freaks”, is the one we chose as the backdrop/banner for our comicon table. Come see us at our first show at The Great Philadelphia Comic Con, on April 22-24. If you’re not in the area, please visit our website (link at top of page); www.sallemander.com -Marsha

Flash Fiction

Labyrinth

April 12, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

His dreams were frantic. She was always just-out-of-reach and each time he caught a glimpse, she was further away than before as he chased her through the labyrinth of his anxiety. He KNEW he was only dreaming… he KNEW she lay right next to him, asleep…but he could neither escape any more than catch up to her. And as his heart broke apart and crumbled to pieces for the one he had loved unconditionally, he realized that these pathetic dreams were better than his reality. This was all he had left, so he relished in the chase each night…..for just one more night…and tried to remember all the good things they’d had for a few precious moments more…before she faded completely, leaving him alone in the labyrinth.

***Our poor friend Balthazar lost his cat recently…well, she’s not missing – we’re not out searching or anything – I mean, he had a falling out with his precious Miss Fuzzy Britches a few weeks ago and hasn’t been able to patch things up. I wrote this little piece for them…though I don’t hold out much hope. Meanwhile, Our new book is out. Its beautiful and awful and available by following the link at the top/right to our site; www.sallemander.com . -Marsha

Clowns

Blue-ish Freaks

April 5, 2016 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

***Our new book is finally out and available for sale at; www.sallemander.com (just use the link at the upper right). Its also been a while since we posted a decent (horrible) Clown poem, so… -Marsha

Blue-ish the Clown was a dangerous Freak, not just because of his looks, so to speak; True, both his legs were mismatched and lame but neither were both of his arms quite the same. So he scuttled about on his one giant hand which dwarfed his oversized skull, understand? Those weren’t the things, though, that made him a prick. There was something much deeper and darker and sick. See, Blue-ish was closeted, Christian and white from the Neo-con, fascist corporate right. Need I say anything more tonight?

Clowns

Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

March 15, 2016 Marsha Mellow Leave a comment

Food was scarce. People were struggling. The war was taking it’s toll as there were shortages of everything from fuel to toilet paper to empathy. Rationing was severe and people were showing signs of stress. There was unemployment, hunger and daily violent protests against the government who caused this blowback war after decades of capitalist conquest. There was no sign of improvement on the horizon and…..food was scarce.

Leon’s Bar and Grill, however, seemed to be an exception to the misery. Leon, the proprietor, had a brilliant (desperate) idea a few months back when he realized he had too many cooks in the kitchen and not enough food to serve. Seeing his business on the brink of failure, he did the only logical thing; He ‘fired’ all his cooks and took over in the kitchen personally. He posted a new menu featuring ‘Chef’s specials’ like Chef’s Stew, Chef Pot Pie and Roasted Leg of Chef. He fired them all… in the big convection oven (though a few got deep fried, stewed…or grilled…..and one guy got sautéed in a wok) and his business has been thriving ever since.

Funny thing, though…once he solved his cook problem, he settled an old issue with that annoying waitress, Marge and finally took care of that pesky neighborhood Clown who always annoyed his customers as they came and went.

These days, ‘Leon’s’ is the only establishment in town with a ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the window…and I hear the food’s really good.

***We thought a little cannibalism this week would be a welcome break from what has become the norm in America; Illegal war, torture, kidnapping, rape, assassination, terrorism, corruption, usury, inequality and a massive political freak show. Hmmmm…..eating people’s got nothin’ on the U.S. gov’t. – so, bon appetit! -Marsha

Clowns

Loser!!!

March 8, 2016 Marsha Mellow 1 Comment

I won! I am the richest man on Earth. I have more money than God! I’m not just the richest, though…I’m the winner! I am the inevitable culmination of centuries of unregulated capitalism. I own everything; All the money, all the gold, all the oil, the water, infrastructure, stocks, bonds, real estate – EVERYTHING!

The entire population of Earth, all 7 million, are my employees and tenants. Wait…did I say 7 million? No, there’s only 5.8 million as of this week…heck, I remember when there were 7 billion…but never mind that, they’re just little people. Losers! I won and they lost.

Too bad for them. Is it my fault they were born poor and unlucky, that they made bad life decisions, were unable to afford the finest education money could buy and had no inherited wealth with which to game the system? If God didn’t favor me he would not have made me so rich. That’s what makes me so much better than you.

The only question now is…What to do with it all? My only goal was to win…now what? I own ten thousand fishing yachts but the oceans are dead. I used to like the beach but they’re polluted now and storms have destroyed all the coastal cities. I used to hunt but there’s no wildlife, no more forests, either. Everything is desert and all the clouds are gone and I burn so easily…

But never mind all that…..I’m the winner! It must have been worth it, because I WON!!! I’m richer than you. I’m better than you and I won! So piss off!!…..and bring me a fresh canister of air! (gasp) I’m friggin’ suffocating over here…LOSER!!!

***This is NOT about Trump! It has nothing to do with our freak show elections and we don’t take sides, anyway (although, the corporate dude riding Uncle Sam like a bitch DOES look more like Hillary than Trump). This isn’t even a political website! It was simply the scheduled date for this story and image. Is it our fault that all the candidates piled into a mini-Clown Car and crashed it straight into the gaping ass of an elephant? -Marsha