They came for me in the dead of night, grabbed me forcibly and shoved a black sack over my head. They took me to an undisclosed location, locked me in a room with nothing in it but a table and chair and set a plate of food in front of me. Weird. They told me I could leave…..but only if I finished everything on my plate. I wasn’t hungry.
I tried to reason with them but they ignored me. I ranted and raged and pounded my fists in a heroic hissy fit. I even begged…but they ignored me and by then, hours later, I WAS getting hungry.
The plate of food was still sitting there but I didn’t recognize any of it. It looked like it could be some kind of exotic vegetables. It certainly didn’t smell so good – like farts in a moldy sleeping bag. I resisted.
A few hours later I was famished. I took a closer look at the food. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad – but just then, something twitched. I squeemed with the heebie-jeebies!!…..and looking again, I could swear it was breathing. I thought I would puke but had nothing to give, then it all started to stir and writhe and become agitated – it was REALLY weird (but I was sooooooo hungry).
I grabbed a piece off the plate, wrestled it into my mouth and down my throat. It resisted, kicking and screaming all the way down. That’s when I puked…but as it limped away angrily, I caught it again, ripped it apart with my teeth and ate it. I managed to round up every single piece of those awful, jabbering bits of freakish vegetables….and I must say, it was the best meal I’d had in ages. In fact, I was looking and feeling much more like my old self again. Man! Best Thanksgiving EVER!!!
***Now that THAT’s over and we are well into the corporate buying frenzy marked by the high holy day of ‘Black Friday’, I can shamelessly plug my books. With all the garbage out there you COULD buy to purchase the affections of your loved ones for the year, I stand behind my books for their quality, cynicism and sheer awfulness. They make the best possible Christmas gift for those you love AND those you can’t stand. They’ll help you get laid, enhance your penis and put luster in your stringy hair while that extra ten pounds you’ve been trying to shed will come right off…but be careful, you may become more popular than you can handle. Available on Amazon and Etsy, you can find the links at www.sallemander.com. -Marsha