{"id":664,"date":"2016-11-29T09:02:28","date_gmt":"2016-11-29T14:02:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/?p=664"},"modified":"2016-11-29T09:02:28","modified_gmt":"2016-11-29T14:02:28","slug":"persistently-inedible","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/?p=664","title":{"rendered":"Persistently Inedible"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"persistantly-inedible-61\"\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n

They came for me in the dead of night, grabbed me forcibly and shoved a black sack over my head.\u00a0 They took me to an undisclosed location, locked me in a room with nothing in it but a table and chair and set a plate of food in front of me.\u00a0 Weird.\u00a0 They told me I could leave…..but only if I finished everything on my plate.\u00a0 I wasn’t hungry.<\/p>\n

I tried to reason with them but they ignored me.\u00a0 I ranted and raged and pounded my fists in a heroic hissy fit.\u00a0 I even begged…but they ignored me and by then, hours later, I\u00a0WAS getting hungry.<\/p>\n

The plate of food was still sitting there but I didn’t recognize any of it.\u00a0 It looked like it could be some kind of exotic vegetables.\u00a0 It certainly didn’t smell so good – like farts in a moldy sleeping bag.\u00a0 I resisted.<\/p>\n

A few hours later I was famished.\u00a0 I took a closer look at the food.\u00a0 Maybe it wouldn’t \u00a0be so bad – but just then, something twitched.\u00a0 I squeemed with the heebie-jeebies!!…..and looking again, I could swear it was breathing.\u00a0 I thought I would puke but had nothing to give, then it all started to stir and writhe and become agitated – it was REALLY weird (but I was sooooooo hungry).<\/p>\n

I grabbed a piece off the plate, wrestled it into my mouth and down my throat.\u00a0 It resisted, kicking and screaming all the way down.\u00a0 That’s when I puked…but as it limped away angrily, I caught it again, ripped it apart with my teeth\u00a0and ate it.\u00a0 I managed to round up every single piece of those awful, jabbering bits of freakish vegetables….and I must say, it was the best meal I’d had in ages.\u00a0 In fact, I was\u00a0 looking and feeling much more like my old self again.\u00a0 Man!\u00a0 Best Thanksgiving EVER!!!<\/p>\n

***Now that THAT’s over and we are well into the corporate buying frenzy\u00a0marked by\u00a0the high holy day of ‘Black Friday’, I can shamelessly plug my books.\u00a0 With all the garbage out there you COULD buy\u00a0to purchase the affections of your loved ones for the year, I stand behind my books for their quality, cynicism and sheer awfulness.\u00a0 They make the best possible Christmas gift for those you love AND those you can’t stand.\u00a0 They’ll help you get laid,\u00a0enhance your penis and put luster in your stringy hair while that extra ten pounds you’ve been trying to shed will come right off…but be careful, you may become more popular than you can handle.\u00a0 Available on Amazon and Etsy, you can find the links at www.sallemander.com.\u00a0 -Marsha<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00a0 They came for me in the dead of night, grabbed me forcibly and shoved a black sack over my head.\u00a0 They took me to an undisclosed location, locked me in a room with nothing in it but a table and chair and set a plate of food in front of me.\u00a0 Weird.\u00a0 They told … Continue reading Persistently Inedible<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[150,124],"tags":[79,213,176,19,22],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/664"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=664"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/664\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":667,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/664\/revisions\/667"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=664"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=664"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=664"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}