{"id":1358,"date":"2019-10-07T09:00:04","date_gmt":"2019-10-07T13:00:04","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/?p=1358"},"modified":"2019-10-07T09:00:04","modified_gmt":"2019-10-07T13:00:04","slug":"spare-rib","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/?p=1358","title":{"rendered":"Spare Rib"},"content":{"rendered":"

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BAT CRAP CRAZY<\/strong><\/p>\n

Ancient Christian texts claim that when God removed one of man’s ribs to make “woman,” he also yanked out the other, just to even things up…but not needing it for anything, tossed it into a dung heap.\u00a0 This, according to Christians, is the key to the miracle of their existence.\u00a0 That single bit of rib bone and ragged flesh flourished in God’s blessed poop, reforming as a gangly, festering, embryonic growth.\u00a0 When it finally gained enough strength to scrape and scrabble into the light of the world (like a schloppity bubble of methane), it burst forth and immediately began juggling rancid chunks of excrement for God’s divine amusement “…and it was gooood…”\u00a0 Apparently, early Christians were as loopy as our modern, bat-crap-crazy kind.<\/p>\n

Ancient Babylonians were quite certain that the first clown hatched like an egg from the severed nut sack of a pregnant goat, caressed by the triple tongue of Ama-Arhus, goddess of fertility.\u00a0 This theory has some merit, as I’ve observed and documented similar occurrences in this book.<\/p>\n

Most American Natives agree that clowns came to the “New World” from Europe as a plague of sickly, pale ghouls in great smelly wooden canoes.\u00a0 They say they were invited here by the legendary trickster “Coyote” as a prank…which backfired when he became an alcoholic and died of smallpox.<\/p>\n

In all, I unearthed about 407 clown origin myths from the records of dead religions across the globe, some of whose sheepish followers still blindly believe…and continue to provide a rich source of entertainment to American popular culture (bless them).<\/p>\n

The U.S. University of Clown Knowledge (U.S.U.C.K.), in Waldo, Maine, are the government contractors who track and monitor clown activity throughout North America (they are also the esteemed fact-checkers for this book) and are the ones who ultimately revealed the truth.\u00a0 They discovered that early clowns (about 7 billion years ago) made a significant evolutionary choice which divided them forever;\u00a0 A majority of clowns decided to fully integrate with the most dynamic and intelligent race on Earth…and live out their lives in contented, peaceful bliss.\u00a0 The remaining minority chose to merge with primitive humans…..who by now, have managed to hunt their brethren, the whales, to the brink of extinction.<\/p>\n

These days, there are clowns so integrated into our society, they no longer realize they’re clowns…and their subversive influence is incalculable.\u00a0 The fate of the world, it would seem, now rests in the hands of the sort of delightful fellows featured in this book.<\/p>\n

After all my intense research on the history of clowns (an entire Saturday afternoon…wasted) a couple of things stand out.\u00a0 First, people think clowns are creepy (surprise!!), and second, nobody gives a squirt about history.\u00a0 As long as clowns distract the kids, folks will overlook just about anything.\u00a0 Not even the telltale stench of rancid armpits and boozy puke breath – or a police rap sheet of armed robbery and indecent exposure – will put people off these days.\u00a0 And here they remain, hidden in plain sight…waiting.<\/p>\n

***This post is NOT from our latest book, “A Short Burst.”\u00a0 It is an excerpt from our third book, “Bludgeon the Clown.”\u00a0 While the image makes me want to puke (John loves it of course), it is the most exhaustively researched article on the true history of clowns ever written.\u00a0 True, it’s kinda short, but piss off!\u00a0 It’s all we REALLY know about the clown species.\u00a0 You can find “Bludgeon” and all our books and stuff by following the link above to www.sallemander.com.\u00a0 \u00a0-Marsha\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

BAT CRAP CRAZY Ancient Christian texts claim that when God removed one of man’s ribs to make “woman,” he also yanked out the other, just to even things up…but not needing it for anything, tossed it into a dung heap.\u00a0 This, according to Christians, is the key to the miracle of their existence.\u00a0 That single … Continue reading Spare Rib<\/span> →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[242],"tags":[210,248,38,176,41,10,247,102,22],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1358"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1358"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1358\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1360,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1358\/revisions\/1360"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1358"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1358"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1358"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}