{"id":1292,"date":"2019-06-24T09:02:33","date_gmt":"2019-06-24T13:02:33","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/?p=1292"},"modified":"2019-06-24T09:02:33","modified_gmt":"2019-06-24T13:02:33","slug":"gob-the-clown-2","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/?p=1292","title":{"rendered":"Gob the Clown"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/Gob-the-Clown-49.jpg\"><img loading=\"lazy\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-607\" src=\"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/Gob-the-Clown-49-232x300.jpg\" sizes=\"(max-width: 635px) 100vw, 635px\" srcset=\"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/Gob-the-Clown-49-232x300.jpg 232w, http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/Gob-the-Clown-49-768x992.jpg 768w, http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/09\/Gob-the-Clown-49-793x1024.jpg 793w\" alt=\"Gob the Clown-49\" width=\"635\" height=\"821\" \/><\/a>Spartacus Spittle woke up the moment he hit the wall.\u00a0 What should have hurt like hell, only exhilarated him as he gasped his first breath and his first gooey thought shat through his brain bubbles.\u00a0 His brand new eyes popped open in time to spot his birth father tromping away in floppy, over-sized shoes, a bright orange wig and a baggy, polka dotted jumpsuit.\u00a0 Spartacus felt a wave of affection wash down his still unformed leg jizzle.<\/p>\n<p>The impact with the wall spattered most of his foamy mass of phlegm in an impressive spread, but he was already retracting elastically into a sloppy infant form.\u00a0 Just below him, however, was the spittoon that his father was aiming for as he made his glorious journey; rumbling up from the lungs and simultaneously snorking down from the sinuses, \u00a0commingling on the birth canal tongue&#8230;to be fired out of his silly painted gob with a convulsive \u201cHORK!!\u201d<\/p>\n<p>As Spartacus clung to the wall for dear life \u2013 lest he fall into the spittoon and die \u2013 he felt confident that if he\u2019d inherited his father\u2019s bad aim he would probably miss the pot anyway.<\/p>\n<p><em>***As much as I\u2019d love to expound on all the fascinating data we\u2019ve compiled on Clown reproduction and birth in our book, &#8216;Bludgeon the Clown&#8217;, I\u2019m even more excited about\u00a0our \u2018Creepy Clown Coloring Book\u2019, which is where this week\u2019s\u00a0image\u00a0comes from.\u00a0 Even better, we have an Etsy shop where you can find all our books and merch by searching \u201cEEWbooks\u201d&#8230;or just use the www.sallemander.com link above.\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><em>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0-Marsha\u00a0\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Spartacus Spittle woke up the moment he hit the wall.\u00a0 What should have hurt like hell, only exhilarated him as he gasped his first breath and his first gooey thought shat through his brain bubbles.\u00a0 His brand new eyes popped open in time to spot his birth father tromping away in floppy, over-sized shoes, a &hellip; <a href=\"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/?p=1292\" class=\"more-link\">Continue reading <span class=\"screen-reader-text\">Gob the Clown<\/span> <span class=\"meta-nav\">&rarr;<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[242,125],"tags":[210,105,128,248,38,176,96,102],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1292"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1292"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1292\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1293,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1292\/revisions\/1293"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1292"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1292"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/sallemander.com\/wordpress\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1292"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}